This month...

So, we went to the doctor on Monday morning. I was a bit paranoid about how we were going to pay for this round of drugs and tests and procedures - last month, the total was about $3,000 and I put off other bills to pay for everything.

Thankfully, S. went with me. We first went in for the blood work, then for the ultrasound. The ultrasound showed 2 large follicles remained on my left ovary.

The next thing we usually do is meet with a nurse, who tells us the "protocol" we're going to follow for the month, what dose, how to do it, etc.

This time, the nurse sat with us for a moment and told us that the follicles were very large and that in all likelihood, we would need to skip this month and hope those follicles would go back to normal. She said my doctor wanted to meet with us. When she left the room, I immediately started crying.

Dr. G. (who I've known since before we started having fertility issues) came in, closed the door, and sat down. He said, "I'm so sorry, you guys have been through so much already, but we can't do the treatments and IUI this month. The ovaries have been overstimulated and the follicles are too large." He asked me if I'd been in any pain, and I said I had, especially around the ovulation time. He said to call when I got my next period and they'd see what the ovaries looked like then.

I managed to keep it together through the waiting room (I didn't think breaking down in the fertility clinic waiting room was a very good idea). And then I broke down at the elevator, thank goodness S. was there to comfort me.

In a lot of ways, it's probably good - this was an emotional cycle for me. It took a toll emotionally, physically, and financially. Still, after getting my period, I had my few hours of depression, and then geared myself up to try again. I went in that morning with the expectation that this was "Round 2." I never expected that they would tell me I couldn't try this month. I didn't know this was a possibility.

I know it's only a month, but I just feel like so much time is slipping away. I don't want to waste any time!

So, this month, we lay low, no drugs, no injections, no tests, no procedures. But we're still allowed to keep trying on our own, so I guess not all is lost.

Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts and e-mails. Sorry I didn't update you on this before, I needed to wrap my mind around this, and also have had a nasty cold most of the week.

Plan B: A Crappy Week (in every sense)

For those who don't want to read the entire post about my week, the bottom line is: I'm not pregnant. Really. When I called the doctor today, the nurse said, "So, you're experiencing full flow right now?" Yep.

So, let's back up a couple of days.

TUESDAY
The first day of a long week of all day meetings (and I mean ALL day - 8:00am-8:00pm). The meeting is brutal. We spend from 2:30pm-8:30pm (with an hour break for dinner) giving "personal and professional" updates. 6 freaking hours of going around the room talking about ourselves. Yes, this is a nice thing to do, but isn't that why we're having meals together and going out to dinner the next evening??? Besides, I have a lot of work to do and I'd rather be HOME then sitting here being social all evening!

After dinner, I went back to my office for a couple of minutes to feed my fish. One fish is dead and stuck in a plant. His abdomen has been chomped out, seemingly by a fish much bigger than any in my tank (most likely the other fish were just nibbling on his carcass since they don't bite each other). I'm sad for a minute (you hate to see anything die), then take him to the restroom and flush him. It seems very fitting to the crappy day I'm having, and also I relate to this poor fish with a big chunk of him bitten off.

Before the evening "sharing time" begins, I learn there is somewhat of an issue that relates to what I do at work, except that I'm not included in the conversation about the issue or how to solve it. This really pisses me off. I spend the rest of the evening grinding my teeth and focusing on doing some work on the website while others continue to "share." I'm so angry by the time we adjourn for the evening, I'm just shaking. It's all built up from so much stuff - the "issue" (which turned out to not really be anything big), people complaining about how much work they have to do (which we ALL do!), etc. I pack up my stuff, head home, and go right to bed at like 9:30.

WEDNESDAY
I started spotting. It's just spotting, and it stops after the morning. I get a decent start to the day, but still miss the morning "worship" although this is not a big deal to me personally, since I no longer believe in God. Our morning meeting (3 hours) is not well-defined, so we end up using it as planning time in my team. This is a relief - for the first time since these meetings began, we're getting things accomplished. We work out some timelines and plans to get some projects done. This always feels good and makes things seem more manageable.

After lunch, other teams are meeting, but I don’t have to, so I go to my office and check e-mail for a while. This is some nice and much-needed downtime.

Our next meeting starts at 3:00 – we are to go over our “strategic plan” and evaluate what is done, what is next, etc. Keep in mind that I have still been experiencing cramping since Tuesday. At 2:55pm I feel a cramp. I think it’s gas. I let it go (I’m alone in my office). It’s not gas. I shit my pants. Big time.

I move quickly to the restroom. I guess because I was sitting when it happened, the shit went up my back. I sat on the toilet to poop out whatever was left, frantically trying to wipe off my underpants. This was futile, so I contemplated going commando, but it had gone through a bit to my pants (which were thankfully black). Also, I was still spotting and needed to have some “protection.” And the meetings were still going on, so I’d be in confined spaces with my colleagues and I’d be literally smelling like shit.

So, I did the best I could to wipe off my underpants and pants, and then when I stood up, there was poo all over the toilet and all over my ass, up past the crack and almost to my waist!

I wiped my ass, but there’s only so much you can do with dry toilet paper, then I cleaned to toilet thoroughly.

I walked (a very strange walk since I had poo everywhere) back to my office, then went to where we were meeting and told my boss, “I have to go home. I had a mishap and I need to change my clothes.”

Luckily, no one else knew and just a couple of people saw me. I went home as fast as I could, stripped, hopped in the shower and hosed off my ass, got dressed again, and zoomed back to work for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. Of course this couldn’t have happened earlier, when I had all that time just sitting around in my office!

Thankfully, the rest of the evening went OK. Then again, everything else seems rosy when you’ve just shit your pants.

THURSDAY
The spotting seems to pick up today, but it’s still just spotting. I think I should pick up a pregnancy test today since I’m out, but I forget.

This is the final day of the meetings, yay! Still find some particularly irritating things happening and contemplate finding a new job.

Leave work early, go home, and husband and I spend the evening thoroughly cleaning for a Mother’s Day cookout this weekend since it looks like rain and that means everyone will be inside.

FRIDAYOnce again, wake up feeling crampy. Go to the bathroom and pass a large clot (this is common for me after I’ve been laying down). I cry in the shower. I tell my husband, who just says, “OK.” I say, “Don’t you feel disappointed?” and he says “I’m getting pretty used to being disappointed.” He was joking, kind of. I ask him, “Do you think we’ll ever have a biological child?” and he says, “Yes, I really do believe we will.” That makes me feel better.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m letting everyone down who is pulling for us. I feel like my body was just messing with me the past 2 days with the spotting, just daring me to hope that I still might be pregnant. I don’t understand why nothing is working. I think, “What is WRONG with me???”

If I just KNEW that this wouldn’t work, I could deal with that and move on, but it’s the not knowing, the gambling every month, and the HOPING that it will work, even though statistically, it isn’t working for me.

I cry a little on the way to work. I cry a little at work. I get a little pissed when someone tells me that I just need to be “positive” and not get stressed because once she wasn’t stressed about it, she got pregnant right away! Yeah, I’m sure that the 9+ years we’ve been trying is all due to stress! WHATEVER!!!

I talk to one friend at work who says she just wishes there were something she could do. Depressionista says the same thing, and that she’s disappointed for me, not disappointed by me. I understand that helpless feeling – but what can anyone do? Just listen, be there for me, and keep hoping with us, I guess.

Later in the day, one of the people we work with in Asia sends photos of the destruction from the recent cyclone that hit Myanmar (Burma). The photos are full of dead babies and children floating in the water or washed up. I see things like this all the time at work, and it never stops ripping my heart out. I sat there in my office and just sobbed. I wept for the innocent lives and for the parents who now know the agony of losing a child, the worst loss there is. I can still see their beautiful little faces and bodies, now lifeless, and it makes me weep again.

The rest of today I experienced the “full flow” as described by the nurse. I have an appointment for Monday. They will once again do baseline tests (blood work for hormone levels, an ultrasound of my ovaries) and we will once again get the opportunity to shell out a huge chunk of money to pay for the injections, which we also get the opportunity to do again this month, starting next week.

I came home from work a little early, made myself some dinner, and, right before writing this, inhaled 6 Chips Ahoy Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies (my favorite packaged cookies) in under a minute. I think it helped.

All this, just in time for Mother's Day. Perfect.

Plan B Update 7

Just a quick note to say I haven't fully gotten my period yet, but still feeling crampy and still spotting. I don't know what to think, I know some people spot early on, it's pretty common, so I guess there's still hope, but maybe things are just weird with my period this month because of all the hormones.

Anyway, just wanted to say I'm still holding my breath.

Plan B Update 6

Thanks so much for all the positive comments and well-wishes. I'm crying right now from reading them and feeling so grateful that so many people care about me. Sometimes that feels overwhelming and I feel undeserving, but I need it right now, so I extremely grateful.

I think I'm getting my period. No full-on bleed yet, but I've been crampy all day and had a little spotting this morning. It seems to have subsided, but this is often how it begins for me.

Today is cycle day 34, so that's about right. Today is also 14 days since the IUI. I don't want to jump the gun, maybe this isn't it, but at the same time, I think it is.

What is wrong with me??? Why isn't this working???
Why does it have to be so f*#&ing hard!!??

Plan B Update 5

I gave myself the last shot on May 1. S. came down at like 11:00pm, his eyes half open, looking like he was going to fall over, and said, "You want me to give you your shot??" I looked at him and said, "You know what, I'm going to go ahead and take my chances and give it to myself tonight!"

It went fine. This whole week I've been feeling GREAT! I'm happy and energetic! I don't know if that's a good sign or what, but I'm glad to be feeling so much better after 2 weeks of lethargy and aches and pains.

My lower abdomen feels all puffy and swollen, but I'm only 1 day out from the last HcG shot, and that can mess with you and give you pregnancy symptoms, as I understand.

Just wanted to relay to everyone that I'm feeling really good! Now we have to wait 2 weeks to do a pregnancy test (unless I get my period) because I could get a false positive right now. Since home pregnancy tests test for HcG, the shots could make it show up as positive even though it might not be, so they want to wait until the HcG from the shots is out of my system.

So, that's today's quick update!