Please, please

Sometimes I wish I could share the horrors I see. But I don't want to put that burden on anyone else.

Please, please find compassion for Syrian refugees. A great number of them are women and children (80% in some refugee camps) and they are the ones suffering. I think of the faces of friends and family and how it would be if I had to flee bombings and shootings, taking the hands of the children I love, leaving behind the ones who have been killed. How do you even mourn for those you love when so many have been killed?

Bad people take advantage of every disaster, from looters to rapists to fringe groups to terrorists to those who exploit. Yes, the world needs to react, but punishing those already suffering from the same threat is NOT the way. Don't let our fear of the few be the reason we turn our backs on the many in need.

We, as humanity, are better than fear, we're better than hate, we're better than hiding under our beds while everyone else in our house is slaughtered. We are the ones who must let everyone in and, together, we can barricade the doors against hate. We CAN turn this world around, we CAN live in peace. But only if we refuse to react in fear.

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” - Yoda

"If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." - Jesus

The "Why"

After quite a long hiatus, I am determined to get back to blogging. Because I have so many important things to say that you must know!

My inspiration comes now because November is National Adoption Month, and I have been thinking about blogging my experience in adopting a child.

My first post about my adoption experience: The "Why" - Why adopt?  Every parent's answer will probably be different.  Here's mine.

I have always known I would adopt someday.  Maybe that sounds strange, but I remember even in school knowing I would adopt.  I didn't know if I'd ever get married, or have biological children, but I knew I wanted to adopt.

As a kid, I remember feeling empathy even for stuffed animals that no one else wanted - the one with a torn ear, or a head sewn on crooked.  I always picked those ones, because I thought no one else would want them and they needed to be loved.  I made sure all my stuffed animals had room on my bed to sleep, even when I was sleeping on the edge.  I remember watching "Wednesday's Special Child" on the news, which featured kids who needed homes.  I wanted to give a loving home to a child someday, and my biggest dream was to be a parent.

And I did get married.  And around the 3rd year of our marriage, we decided to start trying for a child.  We felt ready and we both wanted children.  We weren't desperate or anything, so we just relaxed and hoped it would happen.  And we hoped. And we hoped.  And after a couple of years, I talked to my doctor, who determined I had hypothyroid.  Then he put me on Clomid.  And he tried Glucophage because I had some insulin resistance.  Five years after we started trying, it happened.  After taking about 50 pregnancy tests, losing weight, charting my temperature, and taking pills, I got a positive pregnancy test in 2003.  I felt like it was my miracle, like I had waited for this, and that all the grief and effort was worth it because I was getting my miracle.

I wept, I slept a lot, I craved spicy food, I wished and hoped and dreamed.  And then one day I had lower back pain.  And I called my doctor's office, who thought I was just constipated.  And the next day, I felt pressure.  And my water broke.  At 22 weeks, I went into labor.  After 18 hours, I delivered a tiny, perfect, and stillborn baby boy on November 13, 2003.  I share my experience here on my blog at: This is My Story, This is My Son.

Everything changed on that day.  There's no word for the opposite of "miracle."  Tragedy doesn't begin to describe how it feels to lose a child.  I talk a lot about my feelings and coping and crawling out of hell on my hands and knees in my blog.

It wasn't long before I got pregnant again.  And miscarried at 9 weeks in 2004.  It took me over a year, maybe two, to recover enough to even think about taking the chance to try again.  But eventually, the voice that whispered "motherhood" became louder than the voice that wanted to protect me from heartache.

So, in 2008, we decided to pursue both fertility treatments and international adoption and see what happened first.  We had friends who had adopted internationally and we attended a seminar on adoption.  We put in our application and paid our fee.  And I underwent fertility tests - painful, humiliating tests, but I knew they would be worth it if I got a baby.  Soon, we started treatments for IUI - Intrauterine Insemination.  I won't go into all the details, but the process included pills, shots, vaginal ultrasounds every 2 days, and nothing covered by insurance.  I was an emotional mess, my hormones were all over the place, and the last thing I needed was paperwork, so we put the adoption on hold.

By the summer of 2009, we had done 6 IUI attempts, and none were successful. We decided to move to IVF - In Vitro Fertilization.  A lot of the prep was the same - pills, shots, vaginal ultrasounds.  But instead of inseminating me, the eggs would be removed and fertilized, watched as they grew, and then the best ones put back into my uterus.  We had to pay the IVF fee upfront.  Once that was in place, we proceeded.  As this cycle progressed, it was clear that I was not responding with enough viable eggs to do the IVF.  So the cycle was "dropped" for IVF, and, so as not to waste the eggs that did grow, an IUI was done.  And I got pregnant.  And I miscarried again - this time so early that I would never have known I was pregnant if we weren't monitoring everything.

So, in March 2010, we decided adoption was the road for us.  We submitted our application again and requested Kazakhstan.  We chose to adopt internationally because, for me, it was a sure thing.  I knew people who had adopted in the U.S. who had to give their children back when the birth mother changed her mind.  Or had an open adoption where the birth mother was involved in the child's life.  I just didn't think I could handle that.  In addition, I've always felt deeply connected with the world, and so it felt very natural to adopt a child from another country, someplace where they might not have the opportunities children have here in the U.S.

People often ask why I would adopt from another country when we have so much need here.  Those are my reasons.  I've traveled to other countries, and I know that many countries do not have systems in place to care for children like we do in the U.S.  And, after so much loss, I could not cope if a birth mother changed her mind.

Right after we submitted our application, we learned that the Kazakhstan program had been closed indefinitely.  Because we were anxious to become parents, we were put into the Russia program since it was close in nature to the Kazakhstan program.  And thus began our adoption journey.

For more on my infertility journey or on the son I lost, Eroll, click the labels "infertility" or "Eroll" on the right.

Marcy's Illustrated Illness Timeline

After 2 days of fever and then breaking out into a rash all over my body, I decided it was time to call the doctor. I called on Monday, and by the time I talked to the receptionist, the nurse called me back, the nurse talked to the doctor, and then the nurse called me again, they didn't have appointments left on Monday and set the appointment for Tuesday.

Having been in bed a lot, and afraid to do much lest I infect anyone else with whatever I have, I got creative with charting my symptoms. I knew she'd want to know what date the fever started, what date the rash started, etc. But I took it a little step further and added my (very crude) illustrations.

My doctor LOVED it - and she never shows any emotion. In fact, I kind of make it my quest to make her at least crack a smile when I'm there. I often do my typical jokey thing or make snarky remarks and she just looks at me and moves on. On rare occasions I've been able to get her to smile or even chuckle slightly. Well, what I called "Marcy's Illustrated Illness Timeline" did the trick. She read the whole thing and thought it was great, she showed tons of emotion! She also asked doctor-type questions along the way and I filled in the blanks about my symptoms.

After she checked me out (I still had the rash all over my body and had swollen lymph nodes in my arm pits), she asked if she could keep my diagram. I said yes - but I wanted a copy if possible (you know, for my blog!). She had her nurse make a copy and I heard the other nurses and doctors who were at the nurses station laughing and checking it out, which made me happy. Spreading my own special brand of cheer, I present to you:

Marcy's Illustrated Illness Timeline

Disclaimer: I do not in any way pretend to be an artist or illustrator.

The verdict from the doctor: still unknown, but she suspected either Parvovirus, commonly called "fifth disease" or Coxsackie virus (and yes, I kept giggling internally when they said it at the doctor's office and at the lab) commonly called "Hand foot and mouth disease."

Parvovirus would be the human variety - dog parvovirus is different and they do not cross species. Both viruses are pretty common and if you've had a toddler/preschooler, you'll probably know what they are. Turns out I was exposed to parvovirus as my nephew had it 2 weeks ago, so that is the more likely culprit. Both are just viruses (virusi?) and have to just get out of your system. It's just unusual to get them as an adult and the viruses are a little different in grownups (kinda like chicken pox vs. shingles - same virus, different manifestation).

Knowing I am leaving for the Middle East in 2 weeks, she also ordered a white blood cell count to make sure I'm not having any immune system issues. I also got some good anti-inflammatory drugs that have helped the joint swelling and pain considerably.

...

Hawk Eyes

Today, I went to the park. I'm still covered in a rash and my joints ache, but I can't stand to waste a sunny day by sitting inside when I could be observing wildlife. It was over 90 degrees today, so I decided to make it a relatively short venture. My plan, since I'm still achy, was to just find a quiet place and park it on a bench for a while with camera in hand.

I walked around a bit in this marshy area I like. Saw lots of birds, but wasn't able to capture all of them with the camera, they are too quick! And I only seem to see the frogs when they make a "peep!" and jump into the water after seeing me. Once I was drenched in sweat, I decided to sit on a bench in the shade. There were a lot of birds from this spot, but with all the trees, it's hard to capture them with the camera. Still enjoyable to watch them - many were eating the berries that are starting to ripen.

I heard a rustling noise to my right that sounded like something large. When I looked over, I first thought it was a groundhog or woodchuck - it was about the size of a basketball and looked brown and furry. There was a lot of brush, so I didn't get a very clear view of it, but then I saw its eyes and beak and realized it was a hawk or falcon or eagle.

I took a few photos as it looked right at me. Then it hopped forward and leaned down. I thought it was stalking some small prey in the brush and assumed at any moment I would see some commotion from that direction and the bird fly away with its meal. After several minutes, that did not happen. In fact, I saw no more movement from the direction of the bird, which was only about 15 feet from where I was sitting.

Before heading home, I decided to investigate the area. I figured when I got close, the bird would take flight. As I stepped into the brush, the only movement I saw was from hordes of flies converging on the feathered mass of the huge bird. It's body lay still in the grass. Twice I saw the bird shake the flies from its head, but that was the only movement I saw. It was obviously near death and the flies were wasting no time in the hot sun.

I didn't expect to find it dead, this majestic bird whose eyes had just been looking into mine. As I walked back to the car, I thought about the strange phenomenon of being the last living thing that another living thing saw before it died.

I have been the last living thing seen by a dying being before, both people and animals. I like to think it's an honor to have been that for another being, to be its last vision of this world. I hope my presence contributes to a gentle, empathic gateway to whatever realm waits for us in death. My experiences with death have been too often, but have also helped me to not be afraid of it. And I think being there when someone or something loses its grip on life connects you more closely to the spiritual.


*I now believe it was a Cooper's Hawk, but I'm not positive. It appeared to have died of natural causes (in other words, it wasn't shot).*
...

Random Thoughts from a Day Home Sick in Bed

I spent 2 solid days home sick this week. Symptoms were fever (topped at 102.2), body aches, nausea, and exhaustion. I could barely find the energy to get to the bathroom, but did have my phone available to send Tweets and my iPod for playing games (although my head hurt so badly, I couldn't play them). I had a lot of mindless TV on while I was awake, just because I couldn't concentrate on anything more cerebral than that. Later in day 2, as I started feeling a little better and the fever broke, I started writing down the random thoughts I was having. I seem to have a lot of random thoughts!

• Fevers make me feel all prickly, even on my head
• Those Sarah McLachlan commercials for the ASPCA (fight animal cruelty) make me want to kill myself
• Why am I still sweating???
• People who are home during the day must really need car insurance
• A power wheelchair really would improve my quality of life!
• My whole body hurts, especially my joints
• MonsterQuest on History might be my new favorite show
• Do you think I could break a rib with a hiccup? Feels like I did.
• Court shows teach you a good lesson: always get it in writing!
• Les Paul died. Bummer. :(
• Acetaminophen works better than ibuprofen for me. Good to know.
• Snake handling as a religious ritual is still legal in West Virginia
• I think it's a sign you are feeling better when you think your own body stinks
• A girl's name on a court show: "Soprecious"
• I think I would like a panic room, just for fun
• Being sick in the summer sucks. Having a fever in the summer really sucks.

Snuggie Love!

Just in time for the holidays (yes, the stores I've been to already have Christmas stuff out!!), Snuggie mania returns. Yes, even though I was sweating today, it's not too early to start thinking about keeping warm. Today on Facebook, I received links to 2 Snuggie-related items - Snuggies for Dogs and the "Snug Wow." I decided to post some of the funny Snuggie stuff I've seen here on my blog so you can keep up with the Pop-Cult of the Snuggie! Enjoy, minions!

New Snuggies!! (yes these are REAL)

Snuggie for Kids
(free slipper socks!)
Peekaru Baby Snuggie
A funny blog about the "Peakaru"
Weezer Snuggie (a Wuggie)

Snuggie for Dogs

(with free talking dog tag!)

Snuggies in Public
Snuggie Pub Crawl
Snuggie Fest
Snuggie Sightings

Snuggies in the News
Snuggie on ABC News
Snuggie Review
San Francisco Chronicle
New York Times

Snuggie Humor

Snuggie commercial parody

The WTF Blanket


In a Snuggie! Rap video


And this is my absolute FAVORITE one!
The SnugWow!

Ticked Off!

This morning, I woke up just a bit early. Did some eyebrow maintenance, and then got naked and turned on the shower. I put my hands on my hips while waiting for the water to get hot and then I felt… something. Still a little groggy (I am NOT a morning person), I thought it felt like something was just stuck to me (like a scab or a piece of something) at the back of my right hip.

So, I pulled. And it hurt, but I pulled the item right off. Looking at my fingers to see what it was, I at first thought it was a spider. I yelped and threw it into the shower. Looking at it again (still moving, of course), I realized it was a tick.

I started freaking out. I called for Sean to come take a look and make sure I got it, and make sure the place where the tick bit into me was OK and to look at the insect and see if he also thought it was a tick. And also, I needed him to check every inch of the rest of me and make sure it was the only one. The first thing he said was, “Do I need to get a match?” Apparently, he’s had more tick-removal experience than I have!

Of course, once I was assured my skin was OK, I ran to get the camera to take a picture of it for later identification and story telling purposes. It was a fast little bugger and I didn’t get a great shot of it before I decided to smash it. Sean tried to smash it with his fingers, but eventually I took a pen and just crushed the life right out of it. I was like, “My blood!!”

Sean said, “You’re lucky it didn’t really burrow in and you could just pull it off!”

I have this terrible fear of ticks. They are one of the most dreaded bugs to me, and their parasitic nature and blood-sucking-ness totally give me the heebie-jeebies! Thankfully, I have never had one on my flesh until today! But it was one of my biggest nightmares come to life!

Whenever I am outside where there might be a possibility ticks would get on me, I’m constantly saying “tick check!” And I don’t even wear “Off” bug repellant because there isn’t enough DEET in it (not even in the Deep Woods version, which has 25% DEET!). What I use is Sawyer Maxi Deet, which contains 95% DEET! Yeah!

I almost always wear this stuff, but did not when out for a nature walk this week. But, even though it was a prime “tick area,” I don’t think that’s where I got this tick. I think I would have noticed it before today since that was Wednesday, and also it would have been way more engorged with blood and embedded then it was. I think it is more likely that I got this tick from playing with a stray cat at my in-laws house yesterday. In fact, I did pick up and pet the cat, holding it on the very side of my body where I found the tick this morning.

I got in the shower to detox from the tick experience. I felt so… dirty! And anyone who knows me knows that I am militant about personal hygiene, so the whole tick thing just made me want to scrub my skin right off! While I was in the shower, Sean googled ticks to see if we could figure out what kind it was. It looks to me like it was probably a dog tick (I’m guessing American dog tick), which thankfully do not carry Lyme disease, but also do not usually bite people. Since it was not very embedded in my skin and because it was about the size of a pencil eraser, this is the most likely suspect. Deer ticks, which can carry Lyme disease, are usually very tiny.
Still, I’m supposed to keep the look out for fever and rash, as dog ticks can carry Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and other diseases.

-- Note: the blurry pictures are of the tick that was on me, the clear photo is a picture from the web of an American dog tick --

Holy S'mores!

I originally posted this on my blog on MyUCC, but since no one can find it there, I'm reposting it here...

I was recently talking to a friend who said that his kids were making S'mores in their Sunday School class the next day. When I asked what lesson that went with, he wasn't really sure. So, I came up with this theory of the divine S'more.

Just to clarify, the S'mores I am referring to are the camp desserts made from toasted marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers. Three ingredients. A trinity.

In my S'more theology, the graham cracker is God - the substance, the part that holds everything together and surrounds all. Jesus is represented by the "good stuff" - the chocolate. And what holds it together is the Holy Spirit, melted by the fire of inspiration and connecting us with God and Jesus.

While each ingredient is tasty on it's own, combined together is what makes a S'more such a treat. Without any of those ingredients, a S'more just wouldn't be the same. It is complete and yet made up of separate parts that become one.

And yes, S'mores are messy. Just like life and faith. Does anyone have it all figured out? I like that we are all on this big camping trip together, sitting around the campfire. When we really enjoy our S'mores, we're covered in marshmalow, melted chocolate, and graham cracker crumbs!

Random Thoughts from the Road: The Return

In the spirit of my first post, "Random Thoughts from the Road," I present part two - my return drive to Cleveland and the many random thoughts I had along the way. I was really tired after the week-long convention, so the thoughts were a little few and far between.

• There is a town called Clarksville in Michigan, which made me start singing the Monkees' song, "Take the Last Train to Clarksville" and I wondered if this was the town they were talking about, although I doubt it. (turns out, it's about Clarksville, TN)
• Billboards of Michigan: Awful picture of a scorning woman and it says, "Be a Hero - Report Vulnerable Adult Abuse"
• I passed a track that was apparently to train police officers to drive the police cars - like a test track for police cars. Never thought about something like that before.
• Billboards of Michigan: Leinenkugel beer. We have these in Ohio, too. And I enjoy Leinenkugel. And I really like saying Leinenkugel. Leinenkugel.
• Flipping around the radio dial, I stop at a talk show because I thought it might be NPR, but turns out to be a pastor who says he refuses to pray in an interfaith prayer or service because he won't pray to false gods, but wonders if it's OK to pray without using the name of Jesus, as he has been asked to do on occassion for city meetings and other public events. He even says it's OK, because he knows he's still praying to his god and his Jesus. So, I wonder, you can't do that at an interfaith prayer or service? Maybe I'm naive, but if there is a god, I like to think the omnipotent is listening to all of us - no matter what religious affiliation we subscribe to.
• Billboards of Michigan: GIGANTIC cleavage shot for Harley Davidson motorcycles
• Not even out of Michigan, I was REALLY tired and falling asleep, so I had to pull over at a rest stop and take a nap. I set my cell phone alarm for 20 minutes, ended up sleeping for 45 minutes. I was glad that no one came up to the car to see if I was OK, which is something that always seems to happen when I nap in the car. Yeah, because if I was dead, I would have reclined the seat, gotten a pillow, cracked the windows, and had the radio on something soothing. People, if I'm slumped over the steering wheel, THAT'S when you can ask if I'm OK.
• Was hungry mid-afternoon, so I finally stopped for a snack at a KFC/Taco Bell combo. I found it kind of amusing that there were 5 Hispanic gentlemen in front of me who ordered KFC, not Taco Bell.
• What is THAT SMELL?
• Turns out the smell was a truck full of live pigs.
• Truck full of live pigs makes me want to become a vegetarian.
• Growing up, I never liked ABBA. Now I LOVE ABBA!
• I am both deathly afraid of bridges and impressed and fascinated by their engineering. The bridge that replaced the drawbridge over the Maumee River in Toledo is a pretty cool, but very tall bridge. I remember getting stuck at that drawbridge whenever we went to Toledo or Detroit to visit my dad.
• I hate having the hiccups
• Thinking about how this weekend is July 4th and fireworks. I remember being pregnant with Eroll and going to late-summer baseball games where they had fireworks and I remember worrying about if it upset him in there because it was so loud.
• There are few stranger lyrics than "Alligator lizards in the air" from America's Ventura Highway. (apparently there really is such a thing as alligator lizards, which are a type of lizard and are not alligators, and you very well might see them along Ventura Highway. But they don't fly.)

Random Thoughts from the Road

Yesterday, I drove to the UCC General Synod in Grand Rapids, MI. It was actually a nice drive, perfect weather (a little hot, but I had the A/C on) and pretty smooth as far as traffic goes. As I got started, I realized that I do a lot of thinking on these car drives (and also a lot of singing at the top of my lungs) and I decided to keep a notebook nearby and write down my random thoughts along the way. Now, I share them with you...

• I can no longer hear Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" without thinking of those ASPCA pet rescue ads with the sad puppy dog eyes that makes me want to cry and makes me change the channel. (It came on the radio and I had to turn it off)
• The super glue I got on my phone is never coming off
• Did I pack everything?? What did I forget??
• Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson are coming to Classic Park in Eastlake in July. I should probably go see them in concert before they die.
• What IS that smell?
• There sure are a lot of presidents from Ohio
• I freaking LOVE Led Zeppelin!
• What is the deal with those trucks that say "A. Duie Pyle?" Really??
• Those "Real Men of Genius" ads crack me up! (The one I've been hearing lately is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeQnEqvrkO8 I find myself saying "Chili CHEEEESE!" a lot!)
• I hate Delilah and syndicated radio shows
• Billboards of Michigan: "Beef Jerky Unlimited (we are not a gas station)"
• Why do I bother getting my job done on time? When I get things done, that just means I have to help others who didn't get their job done on time. Why don't I just procrastinate like everyone else so I don't have to do MY job and THEIR job?? I feel like by getting my stuff done on time, I'm enabling the procrastinators!!
• Billboards of Michigan: "Guns Galore"
• I LOVE Godspell!!!!!
• Billboards of Michigan: "poopycredit.com"
• Gotta love driving through an area where there are signs saying "Prison area - do not pick up hitchhikers." As opposed to all the times when I do pick up hitchhikers?
• Why do men like to carry large bills? Sean gave me a $100 bill before I left (which was very thoughtful) but what do I do with it? No one would make change for it, including McDonald's, where my cheeseburger and diet Coke amounted to $2.50.
• Driving along, a really crappy, loud car goes barrelling past me. I look over and say to myself, "What a piece of crap!" Not even 30 seconds later, this car's tire blows up - literally - causing me to have to do evasive maneuvers and still some rubber bits hit my car. Hey, if you have a crappy car, either keep it off the highway, or don't be driving like a maniac!
• I stopped at an outlet mall and somehow spent $60 on undergarments
• The techno remix of the Knight Rider theme song makes me want to drive fast
• I used to love Meijer stores - it was a novelty since we don't have them in Cleveland, and they are open 24 hours. After stopping at one yesterday, not so much anymore. Very, very, very trashy.
• Driving along, I see something crossing the road. I say out loud, "Go little creature!!" because it's just about to walk into my lane and it is going SLOW. I get closer, and I'm like, "What is wrong with its head??" because it's head is all flat. Then I realize, it's a really large turtle! I avoided it, and I hope others did, too. After I passed it, I was like, "Go! Go! Go turtle!!!"
• Is Paul Harvey still alive? (and that's the REST of the story!) (Apparently not - he died in February 2009, I just learned)
• I love Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey!"
• Signs for Grand Rapids say: Gd Rapids. Which makes me think: god-damn rapids!
  

Going for a Ride

In solidarity with my friends and colleagues who are bicycling to General Synod in Grand Rapids (riders began in NY, and the Cleveland crew left this morning) and because Sean wanted to, today I took a ride in the park. I have a new bike, so this was the first time I'd taken it out (although I did ride it around the neighborhood). After shaving my legs for optimal speed, we loaded up and went. Here's pretty much the breakdown of the ride:

5.5 = miles we rode
1 = stop made on the way there
3 = stops made on the way back
2 = walkers I passed
0 = bicyclers I passed
3 = dragonflies I saw
1 = great blue heron I saw (coming in for a landing, it was cool!)
1 = stop made for ice cream
20+ = times I complained about the ride being too hard
1 = time I broke down in tears because it was hard
1 = time I asked Sean to go get the car and pick me up
0 = times he picked me up with the car (after I broke down, he went to get the car, but I got back on the bike and finished the ride. When he got to the place where he thought I'd be waiting, he said there were people looking into the canal and he thought, "Oh great, she went into the canal!")
1 = old guy on a bike who verbally harassed me
1 = guy I saw riding a bike with a Burger King crown instead of a helmet
1 = number of times I said I should probably carry a personal defibrillator with me

Here's me on my bike today:


And, in case you are wondering about my super-awesome t-shirt, here's what it says:

When Midges Attack!

That says midges, by the way, NOT midgets! That will be a different blog entry.

People have all sorts of different names for them - midges, muffleheads, sand flies. Whatever you call them, they are back in droves!

It's a phenomenon I've only really witnessed since I've worked downtown. Midges seem to only be found within 1 mile or less of the Lake Erie shoreline. So, at my house, we are completely midge free. But downtown, I can't walk with my mouth open on the street for fear of inhaling one! My office window is at times covered with them, and the sign for our building seems to attract them like crazy.

Last week, I started finding them INSIDE the office building! They were on the elevator door, dead ones on the floor, and when I went into our storage room to get some mounted photo enlargements out, the pictures were COVERED with dead midges! Ewww!

This year, I've enhaled 2 midges, and probably eaten more than that since I sat on the patio a couple of times at local eateries.

They look a LOT like mosquitoes, but they aren't. They don't bite, and they are only around for a few days. You'll see them in swarms downtown and anywhere near the lake. Many days, my car is covered with them. I had one clinging to my windshield as I sped along the highway!

They really are annoying, but the good news is that when they appear, it means Lake Erie is healthy! Midges are an indicator of good water quality. Their populations suffered from water pollution back in the 50s and 60s.

Officially, they are called chironomids, or non-biting midges. They pose no health threat to humans and are an essential part of the local food chain, as they are a dietary staple of many local fish species. Experts are saying we've had more than usual this year and they aren't really sure why.

The life cycle of a midge begins when a female drops eggs near or on the water. The eggs hatch within three days and drop to the bottom of a body of water. As larva, the midges feed mostly on algae. They thrive in otherwise poor conditions, including polluted water or water with a low oxygen count. After a year, those that survive predators such as fish emerge from the water as flies and gather in swarms in areas near the lake.

Next, midges search for mates. Males hover in swarms as they look for elusive females. They live for just about a week, and they are often eaten by small birds or end up squashed on car windshields.

We have many different species in Northeast Ohio, and while they will be around all summer, they won't always be in such large swarms as we've been seeing lately. But, since their purpose is to mate and lay eggs, when this "crop" dies out, we can look forward to another round of midges in 5 weeks or so.

IVF FAQs

I just completed an IVF cycle – except that the cycle was dropped and we weren’t able to do the IVF. They didn’t want to waste the eggs, so we did an IUI cycle instead. People have been asking me some questions about how this all works and how it is different from what we did last year. So I present to you some answers (from my perspective, of course!)

What is IVF?
IVF stands for In Vitro Fertilization. It is the process where the egg is fertilized outside the womb (in vitro). The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process, removing eggs from the woman's ovaries (called “retrieval”) and letting sperm fertilize them in a special fluid. The fertilized egg is then transferred to the patient's uterus (called “embryo transfer) with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.

How is IVF different from IUI?
IUI stands for Intra-Uterine Insemination. Sometimes IUI is also called “artificial insemination.” With IUI, the ovulation process is again controlled, but the egg is not removed from the body. The sperm (which is “washed” in a special way and has the slow ones removed) is injected directly into the uterus with a catheter, giving both the sperm and egg a higher chance of actually meeting.

What about the injections?
For this IVF cycle, they started me on Lupron, which I injected into my abdomen every night with an insulin syringe. The Lupron suppresses the cycle and prevents premature ovulation. It basically puts me into a menopausal-like state. During this time, I went to the fertility office for ultrasounds and bloodwork about every 5 days. They watch the hormone level and the uterus lining and the ovaries. When everything looks good (the ovaries are calm, uterus is calm) they start me on Follistim (follicle stimulating hormone gonadotropins – FSH), which I also inject into my abdomen, that stimulates the ovaries to produce eggs... lots of eggs. Once the Follistim starts, they check my ovaries and hormone level every other day or so until it is at the level where the eggs have grown to a good size. Once we get to where the eggs and hormones look good, I do the “trigger shot.” This final injection is human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) makes the ovaries release the eggs into the fallopian tubes in the next 48 hours or so. For IVF, I would go into the doctor 36 hours after the trigger shot so that the eggs can be retrieved before they are released. This injection also requires mixing the ingredients and filling the syringe. And this shot is usually the most painful – it burns and is often sore for days. And yes, I gave myself all of the injections except the trigger shot.

How do they check the hormone level and the follicles?
The hormone level is checked by a simple blood test. They draw a tube of blood every few days and send it to the lab. The results are returned that afternoon.

For the follicles, a trans-vaginal ultrasound is used. They ask me to go to the bathroom before the test and strip from my waist down. I always ask if I can keep my socks on. At my last appointment, I asked if they wanted us to empty the bladder because it interferes with the ultrasound or because the ultrasound tech doesn’t want to get peed on. The ultrasound tech said that she’s had every kind of bodily fluid on her at some point, but that they ask you do empty the bladder for “patient comfort.” I lie down on a padded table with my feet in stirrups. The trans-vaginal ultrasound is performed with a tube-shaped probe that is completely covered by a lubricated condom and inserted into the vaginal canal.

How do they retrieve the eggs for IVF?
With IVF, I would go in before the eggs are released, exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot. Then they put me out with general anesthesia (like a colonoscopy) and they transvaginally go in and retrieve the eggs with a long tube and a needle – they use an ultrasound to guide them and with the needle, they draw the eggs out of the follicles. They hope to get at least 8 eggs. It is very uncomfortable, so you are given pain medication and also antibiotics.

Then what?
The eggs would then be incubated with the sperm and hopefully be fertilized. They will probably take at least one of them and actually inject the sperm into it (intracytoplasmic sperm injection or ICSI) in case that is the problem (that the sperm can’t get through the egg wall).

The fertilized egg is then put into a special growth medium and left until it reaches the 6-8 cell stage (usually 3 days after retrieval). The embryo quality is then determined based on number of cells and evenness of growth.

The number of embryos transferred depends on the the number available, the age of the woman and other health and diagnostic factors. In countries such as the UK, Australia and New Zealand, a maximum of two embryos are transferred except in unusual circumstances. But in the U.S., embryo transfer is based on individual fertility diagnoses. Most ethical clinics will transfer 2 embryos in women under 35, and 3 in women over 35. This is to minimize the risk of multiple pregnancies which can be risky for both mother and baby(ies).

The embryo transfer is very similar to the insemination – the embryos are inserted into the uterus with a thin, plastic catheter.

OK, what kind of pain/discomfort are we talking here?
The injections are not that bad, in my opinion. It’s a little stressful, especially filling the syringe and trying to minimize air bubbles and whatnot, but the needle is very small and is barely a pin prick. The only one that is difficult is the last one, the trigger shot. It usually burns going in and often leaves a welt and a painful spot for several days.

The blood draw is similar, just a pin prick. And the trans-vaginal ultrasound is only slightly uncomfortable.

I am not a fan of the speculum, so the insemination part is never fun for me. It is painful and uncomfortable. At this last insemination, she had to readjust it several times to get access to my cervix and I had some bleeding. I hold my breath the whole time the speculum is being used.

I also tend to experience a great deal of cramping and abdominal and back pain during the ovulation. There have been times when I’ve spent 24 hours laying in bed crying from it.

And I feel extremely bloated for at least 2 weeks of the process.

Emotionally, it is a roller-coaster. One day, the eggs aren’t growing optimally, the next day they are doing great. The hormones make me a little ditzy and forgetful, and I do tend to be close to tears for the final 3 days or so of the injections. I ask people to be patient and nice to me, as I am extra fragile during this process. Pretty much every cycle I think to myself, "I am not doing this again..." but HOPE always wins.

And the cost?
The most expensive parts are the shots and the procedures. Of course none of it is covered by insurance.

For IUI, a single cycle costs around $3000, most of which is the shots. The Follistim costs about $200 per injection. The procedure itself is about $500. Additionally, there are the office visits, routine blood tests and ultrasounds.

For IVF, the entire cycle is around $12,000. The procedure itself is about $9,000 and the remaining costs are the shots and supplemental medications as well as the office visits, routine blood tests and ultrasounds.

This baby-making is BIG business!

What are the odds?
For IUI, success rates are between 20 and 60 percent. There are many differing opinions on the success, obviously, and different factors affect the success rates.

For IVF, the average success rate is about 35%, with a live birth rate of about 27%.

There is a 10-40% chance of my conceiving twins or more with these fertility drugs. While this would normally be an exciting blessing, multiple pregnancies for me would not be a good thing since I have incompetent cervix and I am at risk for miscarriage, premature birth, and other complications with even one baby, let alone more than one. I had to sign a waiver that I would consider selective reduction of the pregnancies if it becomes necessary for my health or the health of the baby(ies).

What Now?
The insemination was this past Friday. Now we wait 2 weeks to see if it worked! Twice a day, I give myself a vaginal suppository called Prometrium to help the uterine lining. I've had some abdominal discomfort, but it is getting less each day. I'll keep you posted!

Clucked Up

At an appointment this week, I went to use the restroom in the facility. On one of the stalls was a sign. I have a thing for funny signs, so felt compelled to take a photo of this. With my phone, because that's all I had with me. And of course, as I'm aiming, someone walks in! I made like I was just texting on my phone, and when she went in the stall, I took the picture.

In case it doesn't come through, this is the translation of the sign:

Bathrooms.
Toliet.
is
Clucked. up.
Do not use.
Out of Orodor.

OK, there are certain understandable misspellings here. The word "toilet" is not easy to spell unless you made it through 4th grade. I understand that.

But the part that gets me is "Clucked up." Did they mean to say "F---ed up?" Is this a new word: CLOGGED + PLUGGED = CLUCKED?

Was there a chicken stuck in the toilet? Is that why it's all clucked up?

Why did the chicken go into the bathroom? To cluck up the toilet, of course!

It seems that every day there is more reason for me to lose my faith in humanity.

The Mams Have Been Grammed!

On Thursday, I had my first mammogram. I always thought you were supposed to start having those at age 40, but my doctor wanted me to have it done before we start the IVF stuff.

When I made my appointment, they said that I should wear a "2-piece" outfit because you have to undress from the waist up (and presumably they don't want you standing there completely naked) and that I should not wear any deodorant, perfume, creams, lotions, or powder. Because my appointment wasn't until 2:55pm, it was a challenge for me not to wear deodorant that morning, but I did it. I was self-conscious all day, but I did it.

I got there a few minutes early to fill out the paperwork, including a form about if I was having any breast issues or if breast cancer runs in the family and all that stuff.

As soon as I turned that in, they called me back. I went into a little dressing room where I was to undress from the waist up and put on a hospital gown.

OK, so someone help me out here - are you supposed to put these things on with the ties in the back or the front??? I never know! I put it on with the ties in the back (but didn't tie it) and went into the exam room.

She asked me a few questions (most importantly if I was pregnant) and then had me slip one arm out of the gown. She lifted my breast onto a flat shelf on the machine, had me lean forward, and then lowered a clear plastic "vice-like" part that clamped down on the breast. It continues to press down until the breast is flat as a pancake. It is UNBELIEVABLE how flat they make your breast! I looked down and my boob looked like a dinner plate! The technician said to me, "Please keep your head up" which I think was just to keep you from freaking out about what your boob looks like!
The first scan was not as painful as I thought it might be - it was tight and uncomfortable, but it only stays clamped for like 30 seconds and as soon as the scan is done, it releases.

The second "position" was more uncomfortable - it was a scan of the side, so you kind of hug the machine and it clamps sideways. That hurt a bit - the technician said to "hold my breath" during the scan, but for that second position, I was holding my breath the whole time.

Before the second boob, I said to the technician that I thought I should get Mardi Gras beads because it was my first mammogram, and it was Mardi Gras week, and I was showing my boobs to a stranger! She chuckled a little and said that she was surprised no one ever said that before.

When I was having trouble getting in to the "position," she said that even though she knows what to do, she still has a hard time when she gets her own mammogram done. She also said that I have a "lot of breast tissue to work with" so that helps! I was like, "Why thank you!"

For the second boob, I put my arm back into the gown and took the other arm out. This always makes me think - why bother with the gown?? I mean, you're going to see and touch both of my breasts anyway, why not just let them be out there? I think it's just for the comfort and modesty of the patient, but I think it's ridiculous. It's the same at the gyno appointments - you strip from the waist down, get up on the table, and they give you this paper sheet to put over your legs. Um, hello? Yeah, you are going to have your head between my legs and will be all up in there in a couple of minutes - do I really need this ridiculous sheet? The doctor is going to see my most intimate of intimates, and I'm covering up with a paper sheet? For what?? Like I said, I'm sure it's for patient comfort, but I think we, as patients, need to start being realistic about the ridiculousness of these things!

After the second scan of the second boob, she wanted to look at the scans quickly, and while she was waiting for the computer to bring them up, I asked about this small glass wall, and she said it was "leaded glass" for her protection. I thought that was pretty cool, I'd never seen that before (usually the technician at an x-ray place or dentist's office goes back behind a wall or whatever). I said, "The Cleveland Clinic has the best stuff!" and she agreed saying, "Yeah, you should have seen the place where I worked before!"

All in all, the entire process took less than 10 minutes! I expected to be there for a while, but they got me in and out and on my way very quickly. They said my results will be sent to my doctor and then I'll get results in the mail in 2 weeks or so. And now I know, it wasn't that bad at all!

Second Annual Itchy Awards

Here are my special awards from the Oscar fashions. To see my picks from last year, go to: And the Itchy goes to...

The "I'm not even really sure what is going on with this dress" award goes to Reese Witherspoon...

The "80s hair is in again, right? What? It's not???" award goes to Lisa Rinna...

The "WTF?? But what did we expect?" for a male award goes to Mickey Rourke...

The "WTF" award for a female goes to (I don't know who this lady is, the wife of some executive or something)...

The "Dive into the butter" award goes to Sophia Loren...

The "No one this skinny should have boobs this big" award goes to Sarah Jessica Parker... The "Always Stunning" award goes to Queen Latifah (and my apologies that I was unable to find a picture of her entire dress, but she still looks stunning)...

The "she looks GREAT and isn't even an actress" award goes to Anne Sweeney...

The "I guess you didn't learn anything from last year's Oscars" award goes to Tilda Swinton...
The "is anyone else as offended as I am that they call these beautiful children the 'Slumdog Kids' but they looked just adorable and age-appropriate" award goes to the "Slumdog Kids"...
The "I'm again not sure what to think here" award goes to Amanda Seifried...

The "pink done wrong" award goes to Natalie Portman...

The "pink done right" award goes to Alicia Keyes...The "beautiful sari-inspired dress really works, I love how it honors her culture and looks red-carpet-worthy" award goes to Freida Pinto... The "I actually kinda dig this look" award goes to Virginia Madsen...
The "not taking any chances, but looking very elegant" award goes to Diane Lane...
The "I didn't like your dress last year, either, even if you are a trendsetting beauty" award goes to Heidi Klum...

The "apparently the tabloids are wrong and she's not pregnant again" award goes to Angelina Jolie...
The "built in airbags (and I'm not just talking about her boobs and/or head)" award goes to Jessica Biehl...The "yeah it's different, but I think you look like a couch from an old-folks home" award goes to Mary Hart...
The "I know other people loved this but I think it's horrendous and what's with the belt??" award goes to Miley Cyrus...
The "lots of people hated this, but I really liked it" award goes to Amy Adams...The "I'm not usually a fan, but this is the first time I love what you're wearing" award goes to Penelope Cruz
The "complete hotness in anything (or nothing)" award goes to Daniel Craig...
And my picks for the best dressed at the 2009 Academy Awards:

Kate Winslet (I know, not everyone liked this, but I thought it was edgy and elegant)...

Viola Davis (I love this look, simple, stunning and the whole look just WORKS)...Jennifer Aniston (the best she has ever looked, IMO!)

Anne Hathaway (I know, I liked her look last year, too, but this is amazing)

Taraji P. Henson (unique and just beautiful! Quite possibly my favorite of the night!)

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