Driving Rules

A public service announcement about DRIVING like a human being...

The left lane is only for passing on the interstate. When driving on regular city roads, the left lane is for turning left. If you know you'll need to make a turn, get in the proper lane as far ahead as possible and stay there. This cuts down on lane changes, making your chances of living to a ripe old age much higher.

The speed limit is the speed limit. If the sign says "45" this means you should go no more than 47.5 and not less than 42.5. You should not go 55, nor 65, nor 120. You are not exempt from traffic laws, no matter what your jack-ass hot-shot jock nature tells you. The speed limit is a reference point from which you should not deviate more than 2.5 mph above or below. Plus, traffic engineers partly determine the speed limit according to things like the curves in the road (which you can only take safely at certain speeds) and congestion (which tends to limit the safe speed you can travel at). Also, remember that the traffic light network is set up with people going a certain speed in mind. And not getting stopped at lights is far more significant in making good time than high speed.

Don't go slow either. If you go too slowly, the aforementioned "jack-ass hot-shot jocks" will try to pass you with great velocity and reckless abandon, very likely causing a severe accident. If you can't go the speed limit for some reason (you're very old and don't trust your reaction times, you're driving a moped, whatever) then don't drive - or don't drive on the highway.

Surprising as it may seem, you are neither invincible, nor are you a great drive with incredible control and skill. Doing stupid things to demonstrate your imagined skill is going to get someone killed (possibly you). This includes seeing how long you can drive before turning on your windshield wipers in a rainstorm.

When you see an accident, fire, hostage situation, or anything else interesting, do not slow down to watch as you go by. If it's really worth watching, it will be on the 11:00 news; you can set your Tivo for it.

Remember, the purpose of driving is to get from point A to point B. This is the one and only purpose of driving. This rules out: talking on the phone, applying makeup, reading, having sex, or any other thing you might think of doing. You can do all of these things and more when you get to your destination. I'm guilty of the phone talking - but ALWAYS do it with a headset.

On a two lane highway, the right lane is for you slow people. The left is the passing lane. If you've got no place to be, stick to the right. And if you are in the left lane and someone is behind you, get your ass over! Many people seem to enjoy switching to the left lane and then cruising obliviously at the exact same speed as the car right next to them in the right lane, creating a "stupid driver barrier."

In some instances however, a person in the left lane is genuinely trying to pass the car on the right. You see, every so often one of you slowpokes in the right lane realizes you're not going as fast as you'd like the instant someone tries to pass you. DO NOT speed up! It was your own fault for going so slow, let the guy pass you.

In 3+ lane highways, the middle lane is for you slowpokes. The left is for passing again. The right is for exiting, entering and lost people. Why does it seem there are so many people in this lane? If you're just cruisin', get in the middle lane. Some of us actually need to get over to that exit. I'd rather not perform a stunt maneuver to do so. Furthermore, when I'm entering the highway and trying to merge into traffic, it is not helpful that you are zooming along in the right lane making no room for merging traffic, when you've got 4 or 5 other lanes available for your zooming. If you drive in the rightmost lane on the freeway, expect people to be merging onto the freeway. They will drive more slowly than you. Don't hit them. And don't be an asshole, either.

I would like you to familiarize yourself with a feature of your car that seems to be alien to many drivers. Walk around your car. On all four corners, you will see yellow lights. (The rear ones may be red for some cars.) These are called turn signals. And on the left side of your steering wheel, there is a small lever that controls them. You use them to signal before making a turn. They are not for you. They are for those around you. Not using them, or using them in the middle of a turn, can and will cause an accident. Also, if you can't hear the click-click-click of your turn indicator and you spend 20 minutes with your right turn signal on, you need to turn down the radio.

If you want to talk on your cell phone while driving, fine. But driving is your main priority. And use a headset! Do not take both hands from the steering wheel and use one to hold the phone to your ear and the other to gesticulate as if the person you're talking to is right there. Also, slowing down to 35 on the freeway because you want to focus on the important call is frowned upon.

This may sound trivial because it's written in all DMV driving booklets, but: leave enough space on all sides of your vehicle and monitor your surroundings. This is the best way to avoid accidents.

Yield does not mean stop. Stop does not mean yield. If you see a yield sign, you must make way for other traffic and try and merge with them, NOT come to a complete stop and wait until you can't see any cars coming before you pull out. If you see a stop sign, STOP. If you are rolling or moving through the stop sign, I'm going to assume you think it's optional, and we may end up playing that, "Go ahead..." "No, you go..." game.

If you park on the street, you are NOT to park within 100 feet of an intersection or stop sign. This will keep me from hitting you when I come around a corner. On purpose. In the same vein, if you are on the side of the street where cars are parked, you MUST yield to traffic coming the other way. At the very least, move as much to the right as possible. Please do not drive as far to the left as possible when there is oncoming traffic. This makes me angry. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Those wide white lines on the ground at a light or stop sign are there for a reason. Those lines indicate where you should stop. These are designed so that a truck or bus has enough room to make a turn without hitting you as they come around the corner. Please pay attention to these lines, they aren't just a waste of paint.

The 1/2 mile on-ramp for the highway is so you can get up to speed when entering the highway. Please do your best to get up to highway speed on the on-ramp. It makes merging easier, and keeps me from riding your ass.

Do not drive under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Ever. Even though you feel you're safe. Please.

Thank you for your time.