Why is it that I have to be sensitive about saying anything about my dead son around pregnant women (or anyone), but it's OK for pregnant women to discuss every detail of their pregnancies, and rub their bellies, while others gush on and on about how great pregnancy is? Why do I have to be so sensitive when few people are sensitive to how I might feel about it?
It continues to pain me that people forget that I had a son, that I was pregnant once, too and that I am a childless mother.
1 comment:
Oh honey, you know I know what you are saying and that I have been there (and am still there at times). What I want to say to you, and I hope it doesn't sound harsh, is that you don't have to. You do not have to be sensitive about saying anything about your son around anyone.
I know in the situation you might feel like you have to bear it stoically, or you feel that it would be uncomfortable--for everyone--to bring up your son. Or sometimes, it's just hard to figure out exactly how to do it. But if you can find a way--if you can think of something you'd like to say about E. or your pregnancy with him that fits into the conversation, do it.
Let them feel uncomfortable if that's how they take it. Let them feel embarrassed about their gushing and rubbing and general ignorance of your presence and your experience. Let them feel that you "should be over it" or whatever. Tell them exactly what you've written here--that you were pregnant once, that you had a son, that you are a mother.
I'm certainly not an expert at this, and there are times when I just do not have the stamina to bring my daughter up in conversations like that. But more and more I find myself casually mentioning her, even to pregnant women. I'll say things like, "When I was pregnant with Hope, I had terrible morning sickness for the first 18 weeks." Or "I remember with Hope I had real cravings for cherry Icees" or whatever. I almost do it unconciously, but when it happens it makes me happy.
I think it's harmful to stuff your feelings down. I think it's bad for you to "deny" what happened to you for others' benefit. If someone is going on and on about how great pregnancy is, could you say something like, "I really enjoyed my pregnancy with E. too. I hope I get to experience it again." Or something like that?
You're probably not looking for advice or solutions. You probably just want some understanding and cameraderie. You have it from me, you know that. I've experienced few people in this world who are more self-centered than your average naive pregnant woman. Just because they are knocked up doesn't give them the right to think only about themselves.
I'm sorry sweetie.
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