NPY

Not Pregnant Yet.

Sorry to not have posted until now. I've been feeling pretty down the last 2 days and am trying not to write here when in the throes of depression. Besides, I hardly had the energy.

Sunday, I started spotting. It was just a very little bit of spotting, so I wasn't too concerned - implant bleed can cause spotting, and so can the progesterone suppositories. I actually thought it was a good sign.

It continued until Wednesday, when it started increasing. By Wednesday evening, I was pretty sure I was getting my period, but it was still pretty light flow. I had the busiest day at work and then had a meeting after work from 5:30-9:30. I whined to S., "I think I'm getting my period and I don't even have time to wallow in the disappointment!!!"

Thursday I was an emotional wreck. While the flow was still pretty light, I was still pretty sure it was coming. I was very crampy. I talked to my mom on the phone and cried (she's so supportive, and a great listener). I texted K. and Depressionista (both as disappointed as I was) and cried. I talked to my boss (also a wonderful support and cheerleader) and cried.

Mid-morning, I was in the bathroom, and passed something. I wiped and inspected the TP. There was some purplish-grayish matter. I sometimes have clots - this was not a clot. My heart sank. It looked like a vein or sack, some sort of tissue. After that, the flow picked up and was quite heavy.

I called my doctor and left a message. I was so emotional, I wanted to talk about options, about taking a break, about whether or not I should be concerned about the tissue material. I came home with a headache and took a nap. Of course, the nurse called back after 5:00, while I was napping and their phones went straight to the answering service.

I got up after 1/2 hour and went to Cracker Barrel with S. and my mom and my brother and sister-in-law and nephews. Some of my favorite people AND Cracker Barrel (one of my favorite places to eat) was a good way to get me out of my funk.

Unfortunately, I ended up crying there, too. Geez.

Full flow today, and the nurse called me back this morning, too. From what I described, she said it sounded like an early miscarriage. She said we would want to make sure the HcG levels were lowering and I could come in for a blood test or do a pregnancy test. I decided to run across the street to CVS to get a pregnancy test. She said if it was positive, they would have me come in for blood work and then they would want to make sure I didn't have any residual tissue (which would require a D&C). If it was negative, hopefully that meant everything was happening naturally.

At CVS, I got some more pads (I had stocked up on panty-liners, but was out of pads), and a pack of pregnancy tests (I'm sure that looked interesting - preg tests AND pads), and a GIANT Hershey's bar with almonds that looked so glorious I thought it might have a golden ticket inside.

The nurse was surprised that I would do the test at work. I was like, "We do have stalls with doors in the bathroom..." So, I took my CVS bag to the bathroom, did the test and waited. It was negative.

I went back to my office and spent the rest of the day just doing my thing. Toward the end of the day, the nurse called back to see how I was doing. I thought that was really nice. She said I didn't need to call if it was negative, but she still wanted to check in. She said to call them right away if the flow didn't start tapering off over the weekend, or if it got worse, or I felt sick, crampy, or feverish.

It occurred to me later that this was very much the experience I had when I miscarried in March 2004 at about 8 weeks. I spotted for about a week, then it started picking up, I passed the sack (I'm not sure what to call it), then the bleeding increased, but stopped in a couple of days. At that time, I had done a pregnancy test at home that was positive, had one done at the doctor's office, and had an ultrasound after I started spotting. The ultrasound showed that there was no heartbeat and no fetal pole, and that it looked like the embryo stopped developing at 5 weeks. They told me I could have a D&C or wait and see if it passed on its own. If there can be a silver lining, it's that my body seems to take care of things like that and I haven't had to have a D&C.

S. and I stayed up late last night and had a good talk. I am emotionally spent. I want to weigh our options and just take a break. S. was pretty much OK with whatever I wanted. So, I told the nurse this afternoon that we were going to take a month off and that I would schedule a consultation with my fertility doctor to figure out what we want to do next.

Thanks to all for the support and understanding and positive thoughts and comments. I hope you'll continue to send them. I just believe I'll be a mom someday, one way or another.

And you know what else? I didn't even take one bite of my glorious chocolate bar. It's still in pristine, Wonka condition, awaiting the next crisis.