Wonderful Forgiveness

To my friends who like the fun and funny posts, this is not one of those. Please stay tuned. Itchy Tingle will eventually return to regular programming.

After a tough, congested night with a plugged up ear-hole, I wondered if I'd be able to do anything today. But I got up, turned on some classical music, and dug into the books I brought with me to my undisclosed retreat location. (OK, some people know where I am, but shhhh...)

I grabbed a couple of books with prayers and thoughts and affirmations and what kept coming up was the theme of forgiveness. So I went with that today. After reading a few things, I decided to start my day with my own affirmation. I pulled out my completely empty, shiny Wonder Woman journal and wrote. Here it is (and keep in mind, I'm not trying to be "full of myself" but I'm trying to be more gentle in my self-talk).

I am wonderful
full of wonder
and others wonder
and are inspired by me
I am beautiful
and I weep at the word
I am open
I am hopeful
I am the deep snow
with its glittery smoothness
tainted by footprints
I am here
fully here
I love without regret
I give without expectation
I am expansive blue
and blinding white
and soft green
I am moving
and doing
I laugh with you
I cry alone
I am a song
with lyrics ever-changing
I see you
because I know me
And today
I forgive.

I went on to write a few pages about forgiveness. About how we don't seek forgiveness because we think we deserve it. About the person I have the hardest time forgiving - myself.

Maybe that is what has blocked me from forgiving - that I do not feel it is deserved. Maybe that is why I don't feel I can forgive myself - because I don't believe I deserve it. So I deal with the guilt and hurt and put myself in a prison of not deserving anything good.

The guilt and hurt I feel are not for things I had choices in, because I make my choices out of love. So why do I feel I can't forgive myself for things I had no control over? I guess because I think I should have. That phenomenon of "should." I should have been there. I should have known. I should have tried harder. And if I had done what I "should" have, would the outcome have been any different?

So, why forgive? Why forgive someone who isn't sorry? Why forgive myself? Because not being able to forgive blocks my own healing. Maybe forgiveness is choosing to continue to love someone (including yourself) even though you've been hurt.

And what if you can't forgive God/the universe? What if, at the time you needed God's embrace, you only felt abandoned? I don't have an answer for that. I've never been a person of blind faith.

Maybe by forgiving myself, I am letting go of the pain the universe inflicted. Somehow I'm able to forgive others before they ask, and sometimes when they never do. Forgiving has helped me heal from the hurt of others. But what about the ways I've hurt myself?

Today, I want to begin the first steps toward forgiving - letting go of the pain and putting love into the space left behind by the hurt leaving me.

I forgive you
I forgive me
we are forgiven.

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I took the photo above at Caesar Creek State Park where I spent several cold hours today.
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