Hair Today, Goon Tomorrow!

Got my hair cut today - wanted to do something nice for myself, as my therapist suggested. Well, actually she suggested a pedicure or manicure, but I'm not into that, and the first thing that popped in my head was getting my hair did. I have been SO hot all the time, and I finally realized it was my hair making me hot. I had about 8 inches cut off! This is a picture-blog...

BEFORE

AFTER

Shark Week Clarification

In clarification on my Shark Week post, I want to add that, while I DID personally take all the photos in that post, the photo of the shark was taken at the Waikiki Aquarium, where the shark was on one side of the glass and I was on the other. A couple of my favorites from the aquarium are below.

Things to remember if I'm ever homeless

Since I work downtown, I see quite a few homeless people. They are often asking for money, spare change. Recently, signs and fliers have been popping up around downtown that say "Don't Give Where it Can't Help" in an effort to stop aggressive panhandling, especially from people posing as homeless people. After some criticism, they now have signs that say, "It's OK to say no."

Whenever someone visits me downtown, or if we're downtown for a performance or sporting event, people feel obligated to give to the panhandlers. I do not. As I say, if I gave to everyone who asked, I would be giving every day!

One time, as I was driving home, I saw near an overpass, in some trees and bushes, a makeshift shelter with a blue tarp. It got me thinking, what would I do if I were homeless?

Now I should point out that I know I will never be homeless. Even if I hit some serious financial troubles, I know there are people who would take care of me. And I am VERY grateful to know that I will never be hungry or homeless.

First off, I would not be homeless in Cleveland. I would do anything possible to get to a warmer climate - walk, hitchhike, jump on the back of a horse-drawn wagon as in days of old.

I would want to be homeless by the beach, preferably in Hawaii. There are actually homeless people in Hawaii. We saw them hanging out in a grassy area under banyan trees near the beach.

If I couldn't get to a warmer climate, I would build a shelter for myself someplace deep in one of the nearby parks, where hopefully no one would find me.

I also have a brilliant scheme for getting money without begging. I was in the drive-thru a couple of weeks ago and the person in front of me dropped some change, left it, and dug for some more. I bet if you periodically checked by drive-thru windows, you'd find some serious change. I've done it before, and because it's so tight there, you usually can't open the door to get it, so you leave it. Cha-ching!

A Reason to Go On...

Finally, a reason to climb out from under the blankets of self-pity and gloom:

SHARK WEEK!!!

I don't know what it is, but I love Shark Week on the Discovery Channel! I was never that into marine life growing up, but ever since S. studied marine biology and worked in Florida and Lake Erie at marine labs, I've found it fascinating. And then, on our first trip to Hawaii in 1999, we went snorkeling, and that was it for me. I was hooked. Still a little scared about being swept out to sea or being attached by a barracuda, I feel braver than I think I am when I get out there.

For me and S., snorkeling is like bird watching. We try to find good snorkeling beaches, hope for bright sun (even though it burns our backs, it makes the underwater world easier to see) and dive in. I usually use an underwater camera if possible and try to capture the different fish we see, including the elusive state fish of Hawaii, the humu­humu­nuku­nuku­āpuaʻa (which I've been thrilled to see on several occasions!). Like bird watching, we don't take anything away with us but the photos and the memories. And then we lie on the sand and look in our Hawaii Fishes book to identify the fish we saw.

We bought snorkel gear before our 2007 trip to Hawaii in eager anticipation. 2007's snorkeling did not disappoint. We saw many fish we had not seen in 1999, including 2 eels, one of which I hovered over as it tried to catch a fish - like watching the Discovery Channel live and in person!

In 1999, I had an "encounter" with a large puffer fish that had me screaming underwater and heading back to the beach - it came right at my face and it was large and freaked me out. I say I was "attacked" by it, but I wasn't, of course. While I was on the beach, Sean went back out in the water and ended up swimming with a couple of sea turtles, how cool is that?

In 2007, I made peace with the puffer fish. At the same beach where the first encounter happened (apparently a good hangout for the puffer fish), a puffer fish and I stared into one another's eyes for what seemed like 20 minutes (but was probably only about 1 minute). I realized then that they were just very curious and not skittish like the other fish who darted away from you. I felt like the puffer fish experience had come full circle, and I think the puffer fish smiled at me.

I love Shark Week, because it debunks the myths that sharks are evil and out there to attack people. This is, of course, not true. Sharks are often in the water with you anytime you are swimming in the ocean, and they rarely come near, let alone attack. The National Safety Council says that you have a 1 in 4,473 chance of dying from falling out of a bed, chair or other furniture. Shark attacks didn't even make the list. You are more likely to be attacked by hornets, wasps, bees and dogs.

I'm fascinated by the undersea world and, while sharks are not my favorite undersea creature, I do find them intriguing. I should also point out that I have never personally seen a shark in the water while snorkeling. S. has, however, been swimming with sharks numerous times, and would be in a tank with them in order to clean the tank at one of the marine labs. He has never had an incident.

Ever since I've been with S., I've discovered new things that I never thought I would like, and now I enjoy them and am relatively knowledgeable about them. Now, I actually watch ESPN, The Food Network, and The History Channel when he's not around (although mostly I watch them when he is around). I think it's interesting how I'm more into "learning" than I ever was growing up. It helps when you find something you are interested in, but at the same time, it's equally fun to learn about something that someone else is interested in.

Note: All of the photos in this posting were taken by ME!

NPY

Not Pregnant Yet.

Sorry to not have posted until now. I've been feeling pretty down the last 2 days and am trying not to write here when in the throes of depression. Besides, I hardly had the energy.

Sunday, I started spotting. It was just a very little bit of spotting, so I wasn't too concerned - implant bleed can cause spotting, and so can the progesterone suppositories. I actually thought it was a good sign.

It continued until Wednesday, when it started increasing. By Wednesday evening, I was pretty sure I was getting my period, but it was still pretty light flow. I had the busiest day at work and then had a meeting after work from 5:30-9:30. I whined to S., "I think I'm getting my period and I don't even have time to wallow in the disappointment!!!"

Thursday I was an emotional wreck. While the flow was still pretty light, I was still pretty sure it was coming. I was very crampy. I talked to my mom on the phone and cried (she's so supportive, and a great listener). I texted K. and Depressionista (both as disappointed as I was) and cried. I talked to my boss (also a wonderful support and cheerleader) and cried.

Mid-morning, I was in the bathroom, and passed something. I wiped and inspected the TP. There was some purplish-grayish matter. I sometimes have clots - this was not a clot. My heart sank. It looked like a vein or sack, some sort of tissue. After that, the flow picked up and was quite heavy.

I called my doctor and left a message. I was so emotional, I wanted to talk about options, about taking a break, about whether or not I should be concerned about the tissue material. I came home with a headache and took a nap. Of course, the nurse called back after 5:00, while I was napping and their phones went straight to the answering service.

I got up after 1/2 hour and went to Cracker Barrel with S. and my mom and my brother and sister-in-law and nephews. Some of my favorite people AND Cracker Barrel (one of my favorite places to eat) was a good way to get me out of my funk.

Unfortunately, I ended up crying there, too. Geez.

Full flow today, and the nurse called me back this morning, too. From what I described, she said it sounded like an early miscarriage. She said we would want to make sure the HcG levels were lowering and I could come in for a blood test or do a pregnancy test. I decided to run across the street to CVS to get a pregnancy test. She said if it was positive, they would have me come in for blood work and then they would want to make sure I didn't have any residual tissue (which would require a D&C). If it was negative, hopefully that meant everything was happening naturally.

At CVS, I got some more pads (I had stocked up on panty-liners, but was out of pads), and a pack of pregnancy tests (I'm sure that looked interesting - preg tests AND pads), and a GIANT Hershey's bar with almonds that looked so glorious I thought it might have a golden ticket inside.

The nurse was surprised that I would do the test at work. I was like, "We do have stalls with doors in the bathroom..." So, I took my CVS bag to the bathroom, did the test and waited. It was negative.

I went back to my office and spent the rest of the day just doing my thing. Toward the end of the day, the nurse called back to see how I was doing. I thought that was really nice. She said I didn't need to call if it was negative, but she still wanted to check in. She said to call them right away if the flow didn't start tapering off over the weekend, or if it got worse, or I felt sick, crampy, or feverish.

It occurred to me later that this was very much the experience I had when I miscarried in March 2004 at about 8 weeks. I spotted for about a week, then it started picking up, I passed the sack (I'm not sure what to call it), then the bleeding increased, but stopped in a couple of days. At that time, I had done a pregnancy test at home that was positive, had one done at the doctor's office, and had an ultrasound after I started spotting. The ultrasound showed that there was no heartbeat and no fetal pole, and that it looked like the embryo stopped developing at 5 weeks. They told me I could have a D&C or wait and see if it passed on its own. If there can be a silver lining, it's that my body seems to take care of things like that and I haven't had to have a D&C.

S. and I stayed up late last night and had a good talk. I am emotionally spent. I want to weigh our options and just take a break. S. was pretty much OK with whatever I wanted. So, I told the nurse this afternoon that we were going to take a month off and that I would schedule a consultation with my fertility doctor to figure out what we want to do next.

Thanks to all for the support and understanding and positive thoughts and comments. I hope you'll continue to send them. I just believe I'll be a mom someday, one way or another.

And you know what else? I didn't even take one bite of my glorious chocolate bar. It's still in pristine, Wonka condition, awaiting the next crisis.