I was putting laundry away this evening, and found that all of my panties would not fit in the drawer. Since I can't do laundry in China (aside from washing in the sink), I plan to follow my mom's advice and just take-and-toss my undies. This all reminded me of my patented "Hierarchy of the Panties."
I'm willing to bet that everyone has their own Hierarchy of the Panties - even men. Basically, we all have the nicer undies, the not-so-new undies, and the "holey" undies, which are reserved for dire laundry emergencies.
I used to only have 2 tiers in the Hierarchy of the Panties - there were the "nice and newish" and the "on their way outs." When we took an extended vacation to Hawaii, I didn't want to risk not have fresh undies, so I stocked up and took enough (and then some) to last me the whole trip. I figured you can always wear the shorts and t-shirts again, and even stretch the bras and socks, but panties - no way. Not even inside out. I'm weird like that.
Thus began the Lucky Dynasty in the Hierarchy of the Panties. Here is the breakdown:
1. Lucky Panties #1 (the Quarterback) - my absolute favorite panties in every way - love the fit, the fabric, the color, and the way they make me feel. Right now, this is a pair of yellow cotton (always, always, always cotton...) hi-cuts with multicolored mod flower shapes.
2. Lucky Panties #2 - very similar to LP#1, but not the top favorite one. Right now, these are pink with red and pink spirals
3. First String - much like a football team, your first string is ready to go for anything. These are generally new, comfortable, and stain-free - but many are plain white or the colors and prints that aren't my favorite.
4. Second String - your second string is for weekends, lounging, going to an Amusement Park, or for days when the full moon is arising. If LP#1, LP#2, or any of the First Strings get stained or compromised slightly, but are still functional and comfortable, they are moved to the 2nd String.
5. Third String - the third string is for those "not so fresh" days, or when it's "clean up on aisle one" time of month. When I haven't done laundry in a while, there is no choice but to move into the 3rd string, even if some are stained or somewhat unsavory.
6. The Bench - these are the panties that I hardly ever wear because they don't fit as nicely or I don't like the color. These have been pushed to the back of the underwear drawer, but I can't get rid of them because most of them have only been worn once or twice.
So, when no more panties would fit in the drawer, I decided to remove the Benchers and put them with the items I am collecting to take on my China trip. These will be worn once and then thrown away. Some of the 3rd Stringers will also be coming with me on the trip.
When I buy new panties, sometimes a new star quarterback emerges to become Lucky Panties #1, or #2. Some in the pack may become Benchers right away, depending on fit and color. The new panties cause an upset in the natural balance of the panty team, and some panties are assigned new positions in the hierarchy.
Former LP#1 and #2 are moved into First String position. Some First Stringers are moved into Second String, the Second Stringers are culled and some are moved into Third String, and some of the Third Stringers are sent to the "Locker Room" - aka: the trash.
Occassionally, there is a particularly tough panty day, when one of the girls has to "weather the elements." On these days, I have no choice but to send this particular pair, regardless of its position in the Hierarchy, to the "Locker Room" for forced retirement.
Sometimes, I put this pair on the "disabled list" and, through rigorous Stain Stick and bleach therapy, try to save this young star from early retirement. Sometimes this brings a pair back into rotation in the First or Second String, if I'm lucky.
I do my best to coordinate the panty color with the bra color, as well. Last week, I was taking a potty break at work when I realized that I had accidentally matched my blue bra with a pair of blue flowered panties. Since I got dressed in the dark that morning, it was an amazing miracle to me. I knew it was going to be a good day. Of course, it was a Friday...
This is, my friends, The Hierarchy of the Panties!
1 comment:
This is an amazing piece of writing. I just love it. It is SO you to have such a complex method of panty organization. I have to admit I only have a first and second string and the benchers. No luckies, no third string.
My first string are my "fat" underwear. Originally purchased when I was pregnant, they now fit me well (isn't that sad). They're my faves. Very few stains and no holes.
My second string are a smaller size but stretched out enough that they'll do. These have sustained substantial staining but nothing so egregious that it seems gross.
My benchers are the smaller size ones that are TIGHT, man, and I can't go through the day with tight undies. They'll be sent to the locker room the next time I feel like spending $20 on huge underwear that are comfortable.
And mine are all white cotton.
This was hilarious. I think my favorite section was #5 about the third stringers, and the part about "weathering the elements." This is awesome!
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