Adventures in Hair Removal

Welcome to my day. It started off innocently - I was to catch a flight for a conference in Washington DC at 4:45, and planned to leave for the airport at 3:00pm. I slept in a little, checked in with work (but didn't go to work even though I could have), did a few loads of laundry so I would have something to wear, and got my husband to come home and have lunch with me so I could see him before he left.

We finished lunch and I decided at 2:00pm that I needed to start getting ready if I was really going to leave at 3:00. I hadn't finished packing or showered yet.

Here's where you need to know that I am really hairy, and I hate it. I have tried so many different hair removal options, and continue to be lured by anything new. Earlier in the day, I did my "plucking" of stray hairs on my face and around the eyebrows. I pluck almost daily, I'm a freak about it.

Lately, my arm hair has really been bothering me. A couple of times, I bleached my dark arm hair in a feeble attempt to not look like I had man arms. As I get older, I get hairier, and I am actually starting to get some dark, long hairs popping up on the back of my hands. Unacceptable!

So, at 2:00, I pulled out this "cold wax" treatment I had in the closet for a while and decided to use it on my arms. About a year ago, I trimmed the arm hair a bit, just so they weren't so manly, and it ended up growing back longer and darker, or so it seemed. And I didn't want to shave my arms, just not going there - I have enough to shave already!

Spreading the "cold wax" on my arm was torture - the directions say to make a thin layer, but it's so sticky it's almost impossible. Then you put put the paper on top, rub it down, and then yank it off. MOTHER OF GOD!!!! It hurt like HELL! I immediately started to bleed in a couple of now-empty follicles, and flashed to the scene in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" where he gets his chest waxed.

I could have, maybe should have, stopped there. But seeing all the hair on the paper was strangely satisfying. So I kept going, getting a weird thrill from the hair I was exhuming, until 40 minutes later I decided I'd better get moving or I wouldn't make my plane. Rinsing off the residue in the shower, I managed to give myself a weird blood-blister type bruise near my wrist from the hair pulling and what looks like a bunch of red needle pricks on the inside of my elbow. Oh, and now I look sunburned! But it will be all worth it to have smooth, womanly arms.

In the shower, I decided I needed to trim the nether-regions and also shave my legs. I finally emerged from the shower at 3:00pm - the time I was planning to leave for the airport. I quickly dried my hair, brushed my teeth, put on some makeup, got together my toiletries, jammed them into the suitcase, got dressed, and got the other stuff together, forcing it all to fit in the suitcase or computer bag.

I ended up pulling out of the driveway at 3:45pm! My plane ticket said board time was 4:10, and I was still a good 20 minutes from the airport, and I had to park my car in long-term parking and hike to the terminal, AND check my bag! AND get through security! And of course, my flight was in the gate farthest away!

By some miracle (and driving 75+ most of the way), I made it into the parking garage at 4:05, checked my bag at 4:10, and got into line at security. By 4:30, I was through security (which probably would have gone faster if the fashionable bitches in front of me didn't have to remove their high-heeled boots, jackets, belts, earrings, and laptops, and each of them had a purse and a laptop bag and a suitcase - it was quite a circus and I was increasingly pissed off, especially when one of them set off the alarm and giggled, "Oh, my belt! hehehe" and another one of them left her boarding pass in her purse that went through the conveyer belt. Listen bitches, some of us have SOMEPLACE TO BE!!!!)

About 20 feet from security, I did something I never thought I'd do: I hitched a ride on one of the courtesy golf carts they have for old people and invalids. Was this a lifesaver! We sped down the terminal, connected with another cart, and sped down to the gate. I was practically running, imagining that everyone would already be on the plane and they'd stare at me with ire while I sweatily boarded.

When I got to the gate at about 4:40, there was no plane, and everyone was sitting in the waiting area. One of my colleagues was apparently on the same flight and she said it hadn't arrived yet. THANK GOD! I had a few minutes to go and pee and brush my hair and stop sweating and get and drink an iced tea! Another one of my colleagues arrived at about 4:50, and I thought to myself, "Well, at least I wasn't THAT late!"

I have never cut it so close for a flight before in my life. And the sad part is, I was home all day and still couldn't get my act together! The flight was uneventful, and as we flew into Washington DC, we flew over Mt. Vernon, then the National Mall right at sunset, and it was just stunning. The sky was clear blue and the sun was that bright orange-red that burns into your eyes. The Washington Monument and Capitol are amazing to see from the sky.

My hotel room is heavenly - a king bed, a big room, modern and clean with Neutrogena stuff (including facial wash and moisturizer!) in the bathroom. I have 2 big cushy chairs and a comfortable desk. And a huge window. From my window, I look right out to Washington DC - I can see the Washington Monument and Capitol building right from here, it's quite beautiful.

I ordered pizza from a delivery service for dinner, and watched some TV, and now I'm going to go to bed, my smooth arms and legs against the soft sheets, and sleep in the glow of our nation's capitol.