For those who don't want to read the entire post about my week, the bottom line is: I'm not pregnant. Really. When I called the doctor today, the nurse said, "So, you're experiencing full flow right now?" Yep.
So, let's back up a couple of days.
TUESDAY
The first day of a long week of all day meetings (and I mean ALL day - 8:00am-8:00pm). The meeting is brutal. We spend from 2:30pm-8:30pm (with an hour break for dinner) giving "personal and professional" updates. 6 freaking hours of going around the room talking about ourselves. Yes, this is a nice thing to do, but isn't that why we're having meals together and going out to dinner the next evening??? Besides, I have a lot of work to do and I'd rather be HOME then sitting here being social all evening!
After dinner, I went back to my office for a couple of minutes to feed my fish. One fish is dead and stuck in a plant. His abdomen has been chomped out, seemingly by a fish much bigger than any in my tank (most likely the other fish were just nibbling on his carcass since they don't bite each other). I'm sad for a minute (you hate to see anything die), then take him to the restroom and flush him. It seems very fitting to the crappy day I'm having, and also I relate to this poor fish with a big chunk of him bitten off.
Before the evening "sharing time" begins, I learn there is somewhat of an issue that relates to what I do at work, except that I'm not included in the conversation about the issue or how to solve it. This really pisses me off. I spend the rest of the evening grinding my teeth and focusing on doing some work on the website while others continue to "share." I'm so angry by the time we adjourn for the evening, I'm just shaking. It's all built up from so much stuff - the "issue" (which turned out to not really be anything big), people complaining about how much work they have to do (which we ALL do!), etc. I pack up my stuff, head home, and go right to bed at like 9:30.
WEDNESDAY
I started spotting. It's just spotting, and it stops after the morning. I get a decent start to the day, but still miss the morning "worship" although this is not a big deal to me personally, since I no longer believe in God. Our morning meeting (3 hours) is not well-defined, so we end up using it as planning time in my team. This is a relief - for the first time since these meetings began, we're getting things accomplished. We work out some timelines and plans to get some projects done. This always feels good and makes things seem more manageable.
After lunch, other teams are meeting, but I don’t have to, so I go to my office and check e-mail for a while. This is some nice and much-needed downtime.
Our next meeting starts at 3:00 – we are to go over our “strategic plan” and evaluate what is done, what is next, etc. Keep in mind that I have still been experiencing cramping since Tuesday. At 2:55pm I feel a cramp. I think it’s gas. I let it go (I’m alone in my office). It’s not gas. I shit my pants. Big time.
I move quickly to the restroom. I guess because I was sitting when it happened, the shit went up my back. I sat on the toilet to poop out whatever was left, frantically trying to wipe off my underpants. This was futile, so I contemplated going commando, but it had gone through a bit to my pants (which were thankfully black). Also, I was still spotting and needed to have some “protection.” And the meetings were still going on, so I’d be in confined spaces with my colleagues and I’d be literally smelling like shit.
So, I did the best I could to wipe off my underpants and pants, and then when I stood up, there was poo all over the toilet and all over my ass, up past the crack and almost to my waist!
I wiped my ass, but there’s only so much you can do with dry toilet paper, then I cleaned to toilet thoroughly.
I walked (a very strange walk since I had poo everywhere) back to my office, then went to where we were meeting and told my boss, “I have to go home. I had a mishap and I need to change my clothes.”
Luckily, no one else knew and just a couple of people saw me. I went home as fast as I could, stripped, hopped in the shower and hosed off my ass, got dressed again, and zoomed back to work for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. Of course this couldn’t have happened earlier, when I had all that time just sitting around in my office!
Thankfully, the rest of the evening went OK. Then again, everything else seems rosy when you’ve just shit your pants.
THURSDAY
The spotting seems to pick up today, but it’s still just spotting. I think I should pick up a pregnancy test today since I’m out, but I forget.
This is the final day of the meetings, yay! Still find some particularly irritating things happening and contemplate finding a new job.
Leave work early, go home, and husband and I spend the evening thoroughly cleaning for a Mother’s Day cookout this weekend since it looks like rain and that means everyone will be inside.
FRIDAYOnce again, wake up feeling crampy. Go to the bathroom and pass a large clot (this is common for me after I’ve been laying down). I cry in the shower. I tell my husband, who just says, “OK.” I say, “Don’t you feel disappointed?” and he says “I’m getting pretty used to being disappointed.” He was joking, kind of. I ask him, “Do you think we’ll ever have a biological child?” and he says, “Yes, I really do believe we will.” That makes me feel better.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m letting everyone down who is pulling for us. I feel like my body was just messing with me the past 2 days with the spotting, just daring me to hope that I still might be pregnant. I don’t understand why nothing is working. I think, “What is WRONG with me???”
If I just KNEW that this wouldn’t work, I could deal with that and move on, but it’s the not knowing, the gambling every month, and the HOPING that it will work, even though statistically, it isn’t working for me.
I cry a little on the way to work. I cry a little at work. I get a little pissed when someone tells me that I just need to be “positive” and not get stressed because once she wasn’t stressed about it, she got pregnant right away! Yeah, I’m sure that the 9+ years we’ve been trying is all due to stress! WHATEVER!!!
I talk to one friend at work who says she just wishes there were something she could do. Depressionista says the same thing, and that she’s disappointed for me, not disappointed by me. I understand that helpless feeling – but what can anyone do? Just listen, be there for me, and keep hoping with us, I guess.
Later in the day, one of the people we work with in Asia sends photos of the destruction from the recent cyclone that hit Myanmar (Burma). The photos are full of dead babies and children floating in the water or washed up. I see things like this all the time at work, and it never stops ripping my heart out. I sat there in my office and just sobbed. I wept for the innocent lives and for the parents who now know the agony of losing a child, the worst loss there is. I can still see their beautiful little faces and bodies, now lifeless, and it makes me weep again.
The rest of today I experienced the “full flow” as described by the nurse. I have an appointment for Monday. They will once again do baseline tests (blood work for hormone levels, an ultrasound of my ovaries) and we will once again get the opportunity to shell out a huge chunk of money to pay for the injections, which we also get the opportunity to do again this month, starting next week.
I came home from work a little early, made myself some dinner, and, right before writing this, inhaled 6 Chips Ahoy Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies (my favorite packaged cookies) in under a minute. I think it helped.
So, let's back up a couple of days.
TUESDAY
The first day of a long week of all day meetings (and I mean ALL day - 8:00am-8:00pm). The meeting is brutal. We spend from 2:30pm-8:30pm (with an hour break for dinner) giving "personal and professional" updates. 6 freaking hours of going around the room talking about ourselves. Yes, this is a nice thing to do, but isn't that why we're having meals together and going out to dinner the next evening??? Besides, I have a lot of work to do and I'd rather be HOME then sitting here being social all evening!
After dinner, I went back to my office for a couple of minutes to feed my fish. One fish is dead and stuck in a plant. His abdomen has been chomped out, seemingly by a fish much bigger than any in my tank (most likely the other fish were just nibbling on his carcass since they don't bite each other). I'm sad for a minute (you hate to see anything die), then take him to the restroom and flush him. It seems very fitting to the crappy day I'm having, and also I relate to this poor fish with a big chunk of him bitten off.
Before the evening "sharing time" begins, I learn there is somewhat of an issue that relates to what I do at work, except that I'm not included in the conversation about the issue or how to solve it. This really pisses me off. I spend the rest of the evening grinding my teeth and focusing on doing some work on the website while others continue to "share." I'm so angry by the time we adjourn for the evening, I'm just shaking. It's all built up from so much stuff - the "issue" (which turned out to not really be anything big), people complaining about how much work they have to do (which we ALL do!), etc. I pack up my stuff, head home, and go right to bed at like 9:30.
WEDNESDAY
I started spotting. It's just spotting, and it stops after the morning. I get a decent start to the day, but still miss the morning "worship" although this is not a big deal to me personally, since I no longer believe in God. Our morning meeting (3 hours) is not well-defined, so we end up using it as planning time in my team. This is a relief - for the first time since these meetings began, we're getting things accomplished. We work out some timelines and plans to get some projects done. This always feels good and makes things seem more manageable.
After lunch, other teams are meeting, but I don’t have to, so I go to my office and check e-mail for a while. This is some nice and much-needed downtime.
Our next meeting starts at 3:00 – we are to go over our “strategic plan” and evaluate what is done, what is next, etc. Keep in mind that I have still been experiencing cramping since Tuesday. At 2:55pm I feel a cramp. I think it’s gas. I let it go (I’m alone in my office). It’s not gas. I shit my pants. Big time.
I move quickly to the restroom. I guess because I was sitting when it happened, the shit went up my back. I sat on the toilet to poop out whatever was left, frantically trying to wipe off my underpants. This was futile, so I contemplated going commando, but it had gone through a bit to my pants (which were thankfully black). Also, I was still spotting and needed to have some “protection.” And the meetings were still going on, so I’d be in confined spaces with my colleagues and I’d be literally smelling like shit.
So, I did the best I could to wipe off my underpants and pants, and then when I stood up, there was poo all over the toilet and all over my ass, up past the crack and almost to my waist!
I wiped my ass, but there’s only so much you can do with dry toilet paper, then I cleaned to toilet thoroughly.
I walked (a very strange walk since I had poo everywhere) back to my office, then went to where we were meeting and told my boss, “I have to go home. I had a mishap and I need to change my clothes.”
Luckily, no one else knew and just a couple of people saw me. I went home as fast as I could, stripped, hopped in the shower and hosed off my ass, got dressed again, and zoomed back to work for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. Of course this couldn’t have happened earlier, when I had all that time just sitting around in my office!
Thankfully, the rest of the evening went OK. Then again, everything else seems rosy when you’ve just shit your pants.
THURSDAY
The spotting seems to pick up today, but it’s still just spotting. I think I should pick up a pregnancy test today since I’m out, but I forget.
This is the final day of the meetings, yay! Still find some particularly irritating things happening and contemplate finding a new job.
Leave work early, go home, and husband and I spend the evening thoroughly cleaning for a Mother’s Day cookout this weekend since it looks like rain and that means everyone will be inside.
FRIDAYOnce again, wake up feeling crampy. Go to the bathroom and pass a large clot (this is common for me after I’ve been laying down). I cry in the shower. I tell my husband, who just says, “OK.” I say, “Don’t you feel disappointed?” and he says “I’m getting pretty used to being disappointed.” He was joking, kind of. I ask him, “Do you think we’ll ever have a biological child?” and he says, “Yes, I really do believe we will.” That makes me feel better.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m letting everyone down who is pulling for us. I feel like my body was just messing with me the past 2 days with the spotting, just daring me to hope that I still might be pregnant. I don’t understand why nothing is working. I think, “What is WRONG with me???”
If I just KNEW that this wouldn’t work, I could deal with that and move on, but it’s the not knowing, the gambling every month, and the HOPING that it will work, even though statistically, it isn’t working for me.
I cry a little on the way to work. I cry a little at work. I get a little pissed when someone tells me that I just need to be “positive” and not get stressed because once she wasn’t stressed about it, she got pregnant right away! Yeah, I’m sure that the 9+ years we’ve been trying is all due to stress! WHATEVER!!!
I talk to one friend at work who says she just wishes there were something she could do. Depressionista says the same thing, and that she’s disappointed for me, not disappointed by me. I understand that helpless feeling – but what can anyone do? Just listen, be there for me, and keep hoping with us, I guess.
Later in the day, one of the people we work with in Asia sends photos of the destruction from the recent cyclone that hit Myanmar (Burma). The photos are full of dead babies and children floating in the water or washed up. I see things like this all the time at work, and it never stops ripping my heart out. I sat there in my office and just sobbed. I wept for the innocent lives and for the parents who now know the agony of losing a child, the worst loss there is. I can still see their beautiful little faces and bodies, now lifeless, and it makes me weep again.
The rest of today I experienced the “full flow” as described by the nurse. I have an appointment for Monday. They will once again do baseline tests (blood work for hormone levels, an ultrasound of my ovaries) and we will once again get the opportunity to shell out a huge chunk of money to pay for the injections, which we also get the opportunity to do again this month, starting next week.
I came home from work a little early, made myself some dinner, and, right before writing this, inhaled 6 Chips Ahoy Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies (my favorite packaged cookies) in under a minute. I think it helped.
All this, just in time for Mother's Day. Perfect.
3 comments:
Even in your sorrow, you make me laugh with your shit story.
I've told you everything on the phone, but just want you to know I'm reading and I care and all of that.
Also, I'm seriously impressed that you only ate six cookies. On a bad night, I can go through at least half a full-size package of Oreos.
Love you!
By not being pregnant, you are not letting anyone down . Everyone who cares about you feels sad, & frustated. Some of us may even feel angry, which, once we figure out there is no one to be angry with, is really frustrating. You can't let anyone down when you're doing everything in you're power. And you certanly are doing that! Heck, you even gave yourself a shot! Some of us could't get past just looking at the needle.
One day, one way or another, you and S will be parents,GREAT parents!
Oh, and Depressionista is right....ONLY six cookies?! If that happens again, call me. I'll cry with you and I'll finish the package of cookies, assuming it's full. Not full? I'll bring my own!
I love you!
I am so sorry...you've put yourself out there 110% to make this a reality. You are doing everything you possibly can -- even giving yourself shots, which I would imagine is very difficult. I also have to agree with Depressionista that even in your sorrow you made me laugh --you have the greatest bathroom stories! All I can say is that my heart goes out to you and S. I still feel that you and S. will have a child one day -- it only makes sense.
Love you guys!
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