You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere!

Like most kids in the 70s, I grew up playing with the standard toys of the era: Legos, Star Wars figures, Smurfs, Dukes of Hazard cars, Tinker Toys, and of course, Barbie.

When I would get a new Barbie, the first thing I would do is make it naked. It's never too soon to see what's going on under there. Of course, there wasn't much that was "anatomically correct" about these dolls.

Since my best friend and her sister played with my brother and I, my brother had a Ken doll so he could fit in with all of us girls. Poor Ken - he had to go on dates with a lot of high maintenance girls. Poor Ken - his head popped off all the time. Whenever the Barbies wanted to play soccer, we'd pop off Ken's head and we had a ball.

Sometimes we'd include my best friend's brother's full-size GI Joe in the dating game. Joe had apparently spent too much time in the bathtub, ahem "hot tub," with the Barbies, because the pull string in his back that made him talk only made him garble. especially since Joe had a Jeep and that was a bit more intimate than the other vehicle at Barbie's disposal - the Barbie RV.

I had all sorts of dolls when I was growing up. I was one of those lucky girls who got a Brooke Shields doll on my 10th birthday. Once I liberated her from the box and got her naked, I was never able to get her tight Vidal Sassoon jeans back on her rubbery legs. And that fuzzy pink sweater? That was lost almost instantly. Her hair was out of control! You couldn't do anything with that hair, and she spent most of her doll-life with a big, sloppy-looking pony tail.

I also had a Princess Leia doll. Not an action figure, a DOLL. I still have her, but of course she was well loved and so not in great condition. The thing I loved about her was that her body proportions were actually kind of normal - her boobs weren't too big, her waist wasn't too thin, and her feet were actually in proportion to her body and were FLAT, as opposed to the perpetually pointy-toes of Barbie. But all of this meant that none of Barbie's clothes would fit on Princess Leia, and therefore she spent a lot of time in her white Star Wars gown or in Ken's more girly-looking clothes, since she was more Ken-sized. I remember a vest playing a large part in her wardrobe. And Leia's head was big, too - even Barbie's stretchy knit winter hat wouldn't stretch over her gargantuan melon.

Another feature of her wardrobe were brown plastic rings that made her hair into those two buns on the side of her head. Early on in Leia's life with me, I managed to lose one of those bun-makers. So, being the creative child I was, the other bun-maker became the Barbie toilet for the dolls. After all, their bed was a tissue box, so imagination was important in these days.

In these days, we didn't have those sweet light sabers kids have now - we used wrapping paper tubes. One time, my brother and I mounted the wrapping paper tubes to our flashlights, you know, so they would really light up. We were young and didn't think it through. After we had somehow taped the flashlight to the tube (with masking tape, because no way was mom going to let us use the expensive clear cellophane tape!), we realized that the light was not going to shine THROUGH the cardboard, and only a small amount of light made it out of the end of the tube. An important lesson learned. Eventually, we graduated to using a retractable metal tape measure, which, in addition to being able to retract just like a real light saber, would nicely slice into the flesh of your opponent.

Back to Barbie toilets, I guess my potty fascination began early. When I was about 7 years old, they came out with this pink Barbie toilet. The exciting thing about this toilet was that it actually flushed! You put water into the bowl, and when you lifted the lid, water was pulled into the tank. When you put the lid down, the water was pushed back into the bowl. This kind of technology amazed me at a time when the only video games I knew were Pong, Simon, and Fabulous Fred. I think the toilet also came with a little pink towel and a non-functioning sink.

One of the first Barbie's I had was a Sun Lovin' Malibu Barbie. She had REAL tan lines, which I soon learned meant that her tan was painted on. She also came in a bikini and cool mirrored sunglasses - two items of fashion I myself never owned.

My brother's Ken doll was a Malibu Ken. Ken didn't have tan lines (one of a few things he didn't have...), but he did come with a nice green swimsuit that he pretty much lived in since he didn't have any other clothes for a while. You can probably tell by the picture how easily his aforementioned head could pop off.

When I was a kid, one of the real treats about going to downtown Cleveland was the toy department in Higbee's. I think it was on the 7th floor, and they had toys that we never saw anywhere else. One of my favorite parts was the Barbie section. They had Barbies representing all different areas of the world, and I just loved that. I always picked out the ones I wanted, always from exotic places like India or Japan. I never actually owned one of these Barbies of the World, but I now see that my interest in global affairs began at an early age.

Later in life, when I was considered an "adult" my doll fascination continued. I now own the "X-Files Barbie and Ken" as well as the "Wonder Woman Barbie." Thanks to my childhood best friend, I also secured all of the Queen Amidala dolls from Star Wars. Suffice it to say that none of these have emerged from their boxes.

One of my prized dolls is a Pirates of the Caribbean pirate doll from Disney. Since my favorite rides at Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom have always been Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion, one Christmas, I received a Barbie-sized pirate doll inspired by the ride. This was years before the movies, so this is not a "Johnny Depp" pirate. I thought it was hilarious because the pirate really looked nasty! Of course, when I received him (and yes, this was a gift I received in adult-hood) I immediately made him naked. Much to my chagrin, he was no more anatomically correct than good old Ken. I have scoured the internet for more information about this pirate, but was unable to find anything other than the movie merchandise, so I may need to dig my own pirate doll out of the attic to share him.

The inspiration for this blog entry came from the following two articles, disturbing as they may be:
Barbie Creator's Racy Sex Secrets Revealed
Bild Lilli Doll - the Inspiration for Barbie

Also, many of the links in this post will take you to funny stuff related to that item. Just another service I provide to my faithful readers.


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