The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Lately, I've been in need of a "break." Some time off from my life, from everything. Toward the end of last year, I had a hard time emotionally and came close to the breaking point. I told my therapist that I considered checking myself into an in-patient facility, and she told me that unless I had a knife in my hand, they wouldn't take me. Um, thanks? Maybe not an institutional secret that you should share...

Anyway, today is the first day of my "break" of 3 weeks. I had hoped to take a study leave, which I am entitled to next year, but it was not to be. When this was denied, I was devastated. But my super-cool boss helped me find a way to still take some time. So now, I'm officially on vacation! But I'm determined to make this time have a purpose and to hopefully come back to my life with renewed enthusiasm.

My super-cool boss gave me a card and a gift and told me not to open it until this morning. The card said:

On this day you begin an adventure of fun, discovery and journey. I wish you

• the green of early spring
• the humor of nature's wonders
• the explosion of white into rainbows of delight
• and a peace that goes far into the days and nights!

Have a delightful experience of BEing!

The gift was a hanging crystal prism. She's so creative, and what a great way to start my time away.

I let the weekend be a regular weekend, which was fun - enjoyed the nephews' Little Gym performance, and had a great dinner out with friends. I wanted today to have some kind of meaning, even if it was just a small sense of accomplishment. Sean finished painting the kitchen and we started putting the kitchen back together. We shortened the weird counter that juts out (if you've been to my house, you know what I'm talking about) and it looks great. Sean's done a great job on the kitchen and it's so much brighter and cleaner now. That, combined with the dent I'm making in the laundry has given me a sense of accomplishment.

But the big thing I did today? I emailed the mother of my older brother. The brother I never knew I had until a few years ago. The brother who my dad has still never told me about, even though he knows that I know. I asked her if he would be open to being in contact with me. She said she'd let him know and we'll see.

For me, this is big. This is a long time coming. I've had a gamut of emotions. Mostly, hurt that I went through years and years without knowing that someone who should have been a part of my life wasn't. I felt a bit like I'd been lied to all my life. And I am not sure I can forgive my dad - not just for not telling me, but for giving up his son at a young age and never seeing him again. I wouldn't blame this new brother if he hated my dad, and if he hated my younger brother and I for getting to grow up with his father.

So, I guess I'm just putting it out there that I'm open to communicating with this brother who I wonder about, who I feel I missed out on getting to know.

As they say, no one ever regrets the things they did, just the things they didn't do.

And I know it's a cliche, but I'm tired of waiting and wanting. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I choose to make it count.