Fat Bottomed Girl

So, I'm going to China in April. I'm getting nervous, which means that I am turning my attention to frivolous issues that don't really matter - such as finding the PERFECT backpack to take on the trip. It seems like everytime I think I find the perfect travel item, it ends up in embarassment. Like my last airplane trip - I went to California. I was in the front of the airplane, so I was one of the last to board. And there wasn't much overhead space for my "carry-on." I'm all flustered and sweaty as it is, and starting to go into panic mode because there isn't much space in the overhead bins.

I should also mention that I am FAT - not just slightly overweight, but bordering on needing to purchase an extra seat on the plane (I swear I'll carve away my fat with a pocket knife if I ever need to ask for a seatbelt extension on the plane!!). So, I have to turn sideways to get down the aisles, and I'm wacking people with any one of the following: my carry-on suitcase, my laptop case, my elbows, my hips, or my giant ass. Actually, many people were getting any number of combinations from the above projectiles.

Anyhoo, I finally find a space, and I start jamming the suitcase up there, trying not to hit any of the passengers below with my suitcase or my breasts. Of course, it won't fit. By this time, everyone is seated, so I am now the main event. "This afternoon's entertainment is brought to you by the sweaty fat chick, whose arm flab jiggles everytime she tries to get the suitcase in the overhead compartment!"

You would think someone would maybe help, but no - they are obviously staring at me, and then averting their eyes to their Wall Street Journals when I try to plead for assistance.

Finally a stewardess - sorry, a flight attendant - sees my struggles. I'm like, "I think I'll just check this." But she thinks there's room in the compartments in First Class. So, she starts trying to jam it up there, and I'm even trying to crush it down so that it will fit. One of the first class passengers says he will help. He's huge - probably a football player or basketball player - and very kind. He finally gets it up there, saying, "I don't know if you'll be able to get it back out..." What a nightmare!

Anyway, I thought that would be perfect for traveling as a carry-on bag, but it wasn't. I ended up checking it on the way back since I broke out in a cold sweat at just the thought of going through that experience again.

So, back to the backpacks. I mentioned that I'm fat. So, I want a backpack that has enough room for a couple of days of stuff, not just a few biology books, and yet not so big that it could fit a tent in it. And I need the waist belt thing to be long enough to get around my creamy marshmallow nougat center. What to do, what to do... Apparently, "they" want you to be active, but not if you're too fat - if you're too fat, they don't make active wear for you, or hiking backpacks that actually fit.

Did I mention that there aren't any fat people in China?

Maybe I can lose 75 lbs. by April.