Coping

Today, I'm feeling more human than I have in over 2 weeks. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and got antibiotics for a sinus and ear infection. I was feeling better yesterday, too, but still pretty tired. The only problem is my left ear is still completely blocked which is annoying.

I worked on getting some laundry and dishes done, so that was also a change of pace. And then I did some self-pampering - I spent almost 2 solid hours in the bath. Because of all the trying for a baby, and me having incompetent cervix (they recommend that you don't swim or take baths during pregnancy to avoid infection when you have incompetent cervix), I haven't taken a bath in 6 months. It felt great to soak off all the dead, icky skin, reading the Sex and the City edition of Entertainment Weekly from cover to cover, while listening to oldies (and my neighbors, who currently have about 50 people in their backyard and are playing corn-hole, that bean-bag game).

My self-pampering reminded me of an e-mail I got a few weeks ago from "Babycenter." They finally got smart and now you can sign up for updates and tips when you are TRYING to get pregnant. It's a bit weird - after I lost Eroll, I couldn't stop these e-mails from coming, and it kept breaking my heart over and over, reading the subject line, "Your baby at 30 weeks..." when my baby never made it that far. Even though that was only 4 years ago, there are a lot more resources on pregnancy loss and the grief that comes with it than there were then (at least online).

So, this latest Babycenter e-mail was titled: "Therapists' top ten tips for coping with fertility problems." At first I thought it would be annoying, like, "Just stay positive!" Whenever people learn of our fertility problems, they always want to give me advice, like, "Have you tried taking your temperature?" I want to smack those people - we are SO beyond taking temperatures! And I'm trying to stay positive, I really am! I've still got hopes and dreams for a family and imagine both the fun and the challenges that it all will be. I'm not wallowing (OK, once a month, I do - when I find out I'm not pregnant that month). I'm being proactive! Anyway, this advice wasn't so "pollyanna." Here are some highlights (with my comments):

1. Recognize that a fertility problem is a crisis. A fertility problem may be one of the most difficult challenges you'll ever face.Yep, this is definitely my big hurdle of life.


2. Don't blame yourself. Resist the temptation to get angry at yourself or to listen to the little voice in your head that's saying, "I shouldn't have waited; I should have lost more weight or taken better care of my health; I shouldn't have assumed that I could have children when I wanted" or whatever negative thoughts you may be having. "When you start feeling like you "should have" or "could have," remind yourself that your fertility problem is not your fault.
   This is a challenge for me, since I am pretty good at blaming myself for things that don't even have to do with me, and this is such an intimately "ME" issue.


3. Concentrate on your future. Work as a team with your partner. You and your mate should help each other through this time (and definitely not blame each other for your difficulty getting pregnant). Work together to find practical ways to share the burden.
   Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how very lucky I am to be married to S. He's supportive and patient and has been a shoulder for me to cry on. And I'm positively convinced he won't leave me, even if we never have kids.


4. Educate yourself. Read as much as you can about fertility problems and ask questions of your doctor and other couples in your situation. Staying educated is especially important when you're dealing with a fertility problem because the technologies behind the treatments are complicated and change quickly.
   I am CONSTANTLY trolling the internet to learn about the treatments I'm having and what the next steps might be. This is a good coping mechanism for me, because the more I know, the less I worry.


5. Set limits on how long you're willing to try. Some couples decide from the get-go that they won't go to extreme measures to have a baby. Others spend years and thousands of dollars exhausting all of their treatment options. No one can tell you when to stop trying to conceive — that's a decision you need to make with your partner and doctor — but you'll feel more in control of your life if you start thinking in advance about how far you're willing to go to get pregnant.
   This is not something we've really done yet. At one time, I didn't want to go to something as invasive as IVF. But with IUI not working, it might be an option we'll have to consider. Besides, the drug regimen for IVF is similar to the IUI cycle with shots I just went through, and I survived it.


6. Decide how much you're willing to pay. With in vitro fertilization (IVF) averaging $12,400 a cycle, it's no wonder couples feel anxious about money, especially since women often need to go through multiple cycles before becoming pregnant.And my insurance does not cover ANY of the fertility treatments, tests, or procedures.


7. Get support from professionals and others with fertility problems. Society often fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so those denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation.This is a tough one - all of my close friends are parents. I love them and I love their kids, but it's hard being the lone non-parent among my peers. I often feel isolated and lonely. I have feelings of jealousy and anger sometimes, and really can't stand to listen to people with "perfect lives." Luckily, none of my close friends are those kinds of people - the ones who gush on and on about their blissful life.


8. Just say no to baby-focused activities. If certain gatherings or celebrations are too painful for you — if all your siblings had babies in the last two years, say, or you keep getting invited to baby showers — give yourself permission to decline the invitation or at least to have a good cry afterward.With the exception of one close friend, I have not attended a baby shower since I lost Eroll, and I do not plan on attending one (but always send gifts and well-wishes). Likewise, I do not want a baby shower, if we ever get to that point. I feel like baby showers are pretty presumptive. Even before we lost Eroll and struggled with infertility, baby showers were brutal to me. All the gushing, and I just want to scream, "What if the baby dies?" I've heard too many horror stories of people who lost babies after the baby shower and then had all this stuff to remind them, with no baby to use it. For me, a "healthy arrival, meet the baby" shower is what I hope for.


9. Balance optimism and realism. You need to be optimistic to go through a procedure, but if you're too hopeful — if your hope is unrealistic — you'll be setting yourself up for a huge fall. The array of medical technologies available today leads many couples to keep trying month after month, year after year. But about a third of couples treated for fertility problems won't go on to have a biological child.
   This is always a challenge, like my one friend who calls herself a "cynical dreamer" and another who says he is a "cynical optimist." I can't help but hope with each new month, but I think I am also realistic. Yet, with each disappointing month, I do crash, at least for a day or two.


10. Take care of yourself by pursuing other interests. Being treated for a fertility problem can feel like a full- or at least part-time job, so it's important to keep up with some of the activities or hobbies that bring you pleasure. It won't be easy, especially if you're doing something like going in for a blood test every other day, but look for ways to take care of yourself. If your old activities are painful — maybe all your friends are parents now — look for new diversions.
    This whole thing DOES seem like a part-time job, that's a good way to put it. If I'm not actually at the doctor every other day (not this month, obviously) then I'm reading up on the internet or doing shots or just plain worrying about it all. But I think I have good diversions, my job (that I love - most of the time), hanging out with S., watching movies, talking to friends, and playing with my nephews are all things that feed my soul. So I guess I've got it pretty good!

Elsewhere on Babycenter, it says:
While undergoing fertility treatment, many couples tend to live in month-to-month cycles of hope and disappointment that revolve around ovulation calendars and menstruation. They navigate a tight schedule of tests and treatments, they place their lives on hold — postponing vacations, putting off education, and short-circuiting their careers. Others find that the sorrow, anger, and frustration that can come with prolonged fertility problems invade every area of life, eroding self-confidence and straining friendships.

This is very well-put as to what we've experienced - an emotional cycle in addition to the physical cycle. I recently had an opportunity to travel to the Middle East, which is something I've always wanted to do, but felt so uncertain about where we were with the fertility stuff, and it being so time-sensitive, that I decided not to go. There were other reasons not to go this time, but probably the biggest reason was the fertility stuff. I don't like putting my life on hold - and don't make plans based on "what if I'm pregnant?" - if I did that, I'd be 9+ years not going anywhere and waiting for the stork! But this time, with the shots and monitored cycles I just felt like I needed to keep that the priority right now. Little did I know I'd be forced to "take a month off" anyway.

So, all in all, I think I'm coping pretty well. I'm still out there living my life and experiencing joy and always, always, always HOPING.