This week on the Infertility Network...

Sorry to have left y'all hanging after the last post.

Even though I had one leftover follicle this month, they allowed me to go ahead and do this cycle after my blood work hormone level was normal. Started on the Clomid the next day, then the shots on Saturday. I've been feeling miserable! Sunday night, about 1/2 hour after the shot, I threw up. Then I threw up again the next morning after my shower. Since I was also having hot flashes, felt dizzy, extremely tired, and crabby, I was pretty sure it was the shots, so I went to work. In the middle of a meeting, I had to run out and go puke again. I HATE throwing up. HATE IT! I was crying and wretching and just felt miserable, so I went home and went right to bed.

I had my check-in appointment Tuesday morning, and the ultrasound looked good - the follicle was still there, but hadn't gotten any bigger, so that's a good thing. And there were a few little follicles popping so that was also good. The nurse said everything looked fine and that I was probably just having some side effects, but it wasn't anything to worry about unless the ultrasound or blood work came back abnormal. But they didn't. She said if I'm really miserable, I can quit - it's always up to me.

That evening, I was just sobbing to Sean, "I don't want to do this anymore!" I've just been feeling SO miserable. But, I couldn't see wasting the shots, since essentially we're talking about $150 per day for my shots, I didn't want to throw that away.

So, I've soldiered on. Yesterday was a decent day, although I was in bed by 8:30. Today, I was SOOO tired at work, I came home and took a long nap. Tomorrow I go back in for the next ultrasound and blood hormone check. I hope I'm progressing well so we can go to the next insemination already!

Plan E, F, G??

What happens when you get to "Plan Z" and it still hasn't worked out?

This morning, I went in for the next baseline for the next cycle of IUI. I still have one large follicle. After reviewing my blood work, my doctor decided I can go ahead with shots and such for this cycle.

Tomorrow I start on the Clomid and then a few days later get to do the shots again. The beginning of the whole cycle really isn't bad, it's toward the end when I just get so physically uncomfortable.

I called S. as I left the doctor's office (he couldn't make it to the appointment with me this time). At that point, I wasn't sure if they'd let me go ahead with this cycle. I said to him, "Are we going to keep trying??" And he said, "Of course!" He's so positive about it, I'm not so sure.

In the waiting room, I was reading a "Conceive" magazine, and there was an article about how people don't always factor in that it might take many tries to get pregnant and with IUI, then IVF, and several cycles of each, many couples are getting what they referred to as "The $100,000 Baby." I guess that's what prompted me to wonder, "How long are we going to keep trying? What are we willing to pay? What are we willing to go through?"

Anyway, we're giving it another shot this month and we'll see. I'm trying to be positive and at the same time, not focusing on it too much (although that's not easy when you have to give yourself a shot every night!).

Keep sending those positive vibes. Hopefully I'll get to be a parent before I'm 40.

The Grace of Gratitude

I've always been a gift giver. It makes me happy, it's my way of showing I care. It literally hurts my feelings to have a gift rejected - like I'm being rejected myself. My gifts have no strings attached - I give without any expectation of anything in return.

I sometimes wonder where this, and my "people-pleasing" personality come from. Was I born like this? Or did events in my early years form me this way? And why is it so hard for some people to accept gifts with gratitude, rather than shove them away, saying, "I don't need that" or "You don't have to do that." Of course you don't need it, and of course I don't have to. Who in the United States of America subsists ONLY on what they NEED? I don't need TV, or a computer or 95% of the things I have, but in America, "need" and "want" aren't mutually exclusive. And who would give a gift if we "had to?"

Whenever I went on family vacations, I'd bring back souvenirs for all my friends. I guess it was my way of telling them I was thinking of them. I still do this, bringing back little surprises for the people I care about, because I missed them and wanted to share my trip with them.

I love to shop for people - even if it's not a birthday or Christmas or Festivus or some other holiday. Who doesn't love to get a gift "just because?" Isn't it great to know someone is thinking of you even if it's not a holiday? I'd much rather shop for others than for myself. I love surprising the people I love. I love spoiling people - I think we all deserve to feel like we are spoiled sometimes.

I think there are several kinds of people:

GIVERS: Like me, these folks are generous - of time, of themselves, of their resources. Givers do not expect anything in return and give because of the love for another person. Givers give because they care about their community and their world and want to do their part, no matter how small, to make a difference - in the life of one person or thousands. Givers volunteer, donate, and support causes they care about. They give gifts to the people they care about because they love them, because giving makes a giver happy.

TAKERS: I try not to associate with these folks - but they are usually self-centered people who constantly take - your time, your resources. If a Taker actually gives something, they expect to be compensated in return. Takers tell you their problems, but never listen to yours. Takers are "consumers" - using up and spitting out, whether that is a material possession, a human being, or their environment. Takers don't believe one person makes a difference and so their behavior doesn't matter.

RECEIVERS: I think most Receivers are also Givers. Receivers are the folks who graciously accept a gift, knowing and understanding that it has been offered with love. Receivers are grateful people in every sense - they are grateful for their lives, the good things they have, the people who love them. Receivers understand the grace of gratitude.

I believe there is a grace in gratitude that not everyone is capable of. We accept so many gifts of the universe every day - hey, the sun came up! The world didn't explode last night! woo-hoo! Why is it easy to accept those gifts, to take them for granted, but not as easy to accept a physical gift from someone? Or money? Or help?

Why are people too proud or embarassed to accept a gift? I don't know anyone who gives gifts to show off or humiliate someone else - we give because we can and we want to. Would it be easier to accept a gift if you understood that it's the way some people show their love?

I'm frustrated by people who come up with excuses for not accepting a gift, when in reality it's their pride. I'm extemely hurt by people who shun a gift I try to give. Why can't people just say THANK YOU and enjoy the gift and the moment? Why do some people have to turn it into something negative, making both the giver and the potential receiver feel hurt and dejected?

I find that gratitude brings me joy and contentment, and I find things to be grateful for every day. I stand in the shower and am grateful for clean, hot water. I'm grateful that I have this big house to live in, food to eat, a car to drive, a job... Depends on the day, sometimes there are specific things to be grateful for and sometimes it's the "broader" things. Even with the fertility issues, I'm grateful to have options, to have medicines and procedures we can try, to have compassionate medical care, to have a husband who is with me every step of the way.

Mostly, I'm grateful for the people in my life who make my life feel meaningful. I Receive them in my life with grace and gratitude - never shunning the gifts of love, of friendship, of family, of kindness, of patience, of understanding, of joy that they bring me, in addition to physical gifts. I wish everyone could accept ALL gifts with grace.

Every gift is an opportunity for us to be grateful.

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn

or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of

living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

- Denis Waitley, author, speaker

My beloved fruit pie, how I love your creamy center...

Today, for lunch, I'm eating a cherry Hostess Fruit Pie. I have probably eaten no more than 10 of these in my whole life, mainly because I don't ever buy them in the store, but only get them out of vending machines.

I didn't feel like taking the time to go out into the world (aka downtown Cleveland) to scavenge for lunch today, so I decided to make some soup and went to Vend-o-land (as Depressionista calls it) in our lunchroom to get a diet Dr. Pepper. I peeked in the candy/chips vending machine to see if anything looked good, and there were my beloved Hostess fruit pies.

I figured, since I was drinking a diet Dr. P, that the sugar in the fruit pie would be OK. Since my choices today were cherry and chocolate (that is not fruit, Hostess!), I opted for cherry. The machine ate my first dollar, but since I was now on a mission, I went ahead and put in another dollar. $1.85 later, I held the waxy packaging of a tender, delicious fruit pie that has a shelf life longer than my life expectancy.

I'm eating it right now as I write this. It's really nothing like real pie, but there is something "magical" about it. The Hostess fruit pie website says, "However you serve them, they won't be around for long. No one can hold a Hostess Fruit Pie in their hands without making them disappear." Maybe that's why the fruit pie mascot is "Fruit Pie the Magician." I couldn't find "FPTM" on my package, and learned from Wikipedia (yes, this is important research) that FPTM began as a mascot in 1973 and was retired in 2006, which is probably the year I ate my last Hostess fruit pie.

The mascot's name was actually "Fruit Pie" - what lazy ad writer came up with that?? And, while many have shared their theories about what Fruit Pie was supposed to be, he was, in fact, an anthropomorphized fruit pie with a cape and hat.

I now have a new quest, a new reason for living: bringing back Fruit Pie the Magician. The fruit pie labels just aren't the same without him. There's even a site for saving Fruit Pie the Magician, complete with history and how you can get involved in this important, world-changing campaign: Save Fruit Pie the Magician

Fruit pies come in the following flavors:

• Apple (yum)
• Cherry (my personal favorite)
• Pineapple (huh? I've never seen one of those, but it sounds deeeeelicious!)
• Lemon (I like lemon, but this is just OK in my book)
• Blackberry (I don't like the little seeds...)
• Strawberry (see Blackberry...)
• French apple (I've never seen this kind)
• Blueberry (like 'em, but blueberries give me acid reflux)
• Peach (intriguing, but I wouldn't pick it over apple or cherry)
• Chocolate (looks absolutely disgusting and is also NOT a fruit!)

While I wasn't able to find any recipes using Hostess fruit pies, there certainly are plenty of recipes for the ubiquitous Twinkie. And, check this out: wedding cakes made with Hostess snack cakes.

A post for another time: the "barbie"-sized cakes that constitute a 100-calorie pack of Hostess cupcakes (don't let the ads fool you, these things are hilariously small!).