Shiny Happy Uterus!

We did the insemination yesterday. It went pretty well. We continued the Follistim shots until Monday night (I did every one of them myself this time). Monday, we went to the doctor, and things were looking good, so they had me come back on Tuesday, and there were 6 follicles looking just about ripe. They seemed happy about that and about how my uterine lining was looking (the ultrasound tech said, "Beautiful!"). Apparently, I'm really good at making eggs. They had me do the trigger shot Tuesday night and go in for insemination on Thursday morning.

The trigger shot, as last time, was uncomfortable. I had a hard time getting it right, so S. ended up doing it for me - for the trigger shot, we have to mix the solution with powder and load the syringe ourselves. I couldn't get all the fluid into the syringe without a giant air bubble. S. saved the day.

It burned going in and still is sore there, but not too bad. On Wednesday, after Depressionista and Lil Cherie left (we had another awesome Girls' Weekend in Cleveland!) I slept most of the day. My abdominal region was feeling crampy all the way around from my gut to my back. It's kind of like painful constipation, but in a different region. Anyway, it wasn't that bad, just tender. And I was so tired!

Thursday, we got up early and S. did his part at 7:30am, then we went for a bagel, took a nap in the car, and then went back in for my part at 9:00am. It went pretty smoothly. It's never comfortable, but this time wasn't as painful as last time.

Came home and guess what? Slept again for most of the day. Got up for my 2nd appointment with my new therapist later in the day.

It was a good appointment. We talked about my self-esteem issues. She said she was surprised to hear I had self-esteem issues because I put forth a very confident persona.

This led to talking about how disconnected I am with my body. My self-talk to my body has always been negative. I've always been a "larger" person and I've always been self-conscious about my looks. I love myself in many ways, but I do not love my body.

This, of course, took on another dimension when we lost Eroll. My baby was perfect, but my body was not. It was my body that failed.

My therapist asked me to try being more positive about my body - telling it, "I know you've failed in the past, but it's not going to happen again. We know what went wrong and how to fix it." She also suggested I visualize a perfect happy egg meeting with a strong healthy sperm and to even visualize the fertilized egg dividing. I thought this was an interesting idea, and it also felt like a meditative and soothing thing to do. I sometimes visualize the ocean and just watch waves go in and out in my mind to help me sleep. Watching an egg divide and divide and divide could have the same effect for me.

I then realized something. I've been trying to visualize a pretty pink uterus, and I've been asking everyone to send me happy warm uterus thoughts. But, I haven't been having my own happy uterus thoughts. So, I'm changing that. I've started thinking about all of my girlie parts as pink, shiny, and glittery. I'm thinking of working on a collage of girlie parts (ovaries, uterus, etc.) and just covering them all with magical glitter.

I really feel good about this month. I'm feeling uber-positive and happy. Who knows what will happen, but for now, I'm riding the wave of positive thinking and I'm going to believe it worked this time.