Sunday, October 26, 2008

Goodbye Snowball


I was saddened to learn this week that one of the polar bears at the Cleveland Zoo died this week. It was interesting to learn that she was almost the same age as me, so she was likely the same polar bear I saw as a kid, and that my nephews got to see, too. I have many polar bear pictures from the Cleveland Zoo, I will add some of my favorites here, even though I don't know which one might be Snowball.


RELEASE DATE: October 24, 2008

Polar Bear Dies at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo


Snowball, a wild born 37-year-old polar bear, died at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo today at approximately 10:30 a.m. She was the oldest zoo polar bear in the United States.

A necropsy (animal autopsy) will be performed by the Zoo's Veterinary Care staff to determine the cause of death. The Zoo will release results from the necropsy as they become available.

Snowball arrived at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo in 1971 when she was 11 months old. Most recently, Snowball resided in the Zoo's Northern Trek area with two other polar bears – 25-year-old female Aurora and 15-year-old male Aquila. The average life expectancy for polar bears in zoos is 20 to 30 years.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Poop Stories

Another shout-out to Depressionista, wanted to post her story about my "beach" poop. The original, along with other hilarious poop stories, is found here:
Poop Stories by Depressionista

-----------------------------

Michiana Shores

Last year (2005), Tingle and her husband S., me and J. vacationed for a long weekend in the Michiana Shores area. It was a cold, blustery day, and yet we longed to walk along the beach and explore an austere and beautiful pier made of stone. We had just had lunch at some kind of bar and grille type place so we were in for a lazy walk. I grabbed my camera bag and we disembarked from the car. S. and J. walked ahead in some kind of manly unspoken competition to see if they could get to the end of the pier without someone wussing out. Tingle and I took it more slowly and walked just along the first part of the rocky construction.

As we walked quietly amongst the stones, watching the water lap at the shore, Tingle began having the signs of an impending diarrheal dump. It soon became clear that there was no way she was getting back to anything resembling civilization before she had to acquiese to her body's needs. Tingle, well known for her ability to piss anywhere, anytime, decided she had no choice but to duck down behind a rock and go for it (at which point I took one of my most favorite photos ever).

There was only one problem, however...neither of us had one scrap of paper, tissue, or even a leaf for clean-up purposes. In a moment of brilliant inspiration, I offered her the handtowel I kept in my camera bag to protect the equipment. Without choice, she accepted it gratefully, and like a cat, buried it, along with the rest of her deposit, beneath the sand. A few weeks later she sent me a replacement towel with a nice note reminding us of the hilarity on the beach. It sits in my camera bag, tag and note still attached, ready for its next use, whatever it may be.

----------------------

This story still makes me laugh. I'll have to find and scan the photo because, as I was trying hard not to poop on any of my parts (shoes, legs, etc.), I was laughing hysterically at the whole scenario - me crouching behind some big rocks, cramping up and trying to let loose, trying not to be seen by anyone else on or near the beach, while Depressionista tries to take a picture of me.

Ego Boost

I was looking through some old posts on Depressionista's blog because I was trying to find her version of my famous beach poop story, and found this, which just made me feel all warm inside. I need this kind of ego boost on a daily basis! I'm so humbled...

Monday, January 29, 2007
Things I Love About Tingle (a small sampling)


1. She has photos of other people's children all over her kitchen...even though she lost her own son and has been struggling with infertility for years.

2. You cannot go to Tingle's house without coming away with all sorts of cool goodies that she just happens to have in her house--a new purse, clothing she doesn't want, fun soaps or hair do-dads, a cool journal. I think when she sees something cool, she just buys it with the knowledge that at some point, the perfect opportunity to give it away will arise.

3. She doesn't beat around the bush. If she doesn't want you to set your glass on the endtable then she tells you. If you leave a mess in the bathroom, she bitches about it. I like that. It's freeing for me because I don't have to worry if I'm annoying her--she lets me know and then I can decide whether or not to alter my behavior or face the consequences!

4. She has fun with my son and helps take care of him so J. and I can smoke together (or have sex, as the case may be).

5. She uses fun phrases like "jeezy Petes!", "it's all effed up," "it's all good" and "bun of a snitch!"

6. She tells me I'm beautiful.

7. She is beautiful.*

8. She's hilarious.

9. She gets excited about stuff.

10. Sometimes she will stand outside with me to keep me company while I smoke, even though she hates it. And sometimes, she totally refuses (see number 3).

11. She's really smart.

12. She walks and talks just as fast as I do.

13. She knows how to get me out of a bad mood.

14. She looks really cute when she purses her lips in mock disgust.

15. She has a personal code of ethics and stands by them without foisting them onto others.

16. She knows all about my bad habits and personality flaws and loves me anyway.

17. She likes my other friends (and they like her!)

18. She has a way of making people feel welcome and at home no matter where she is.

19. She's very kind but never self-righteous or sickeningly sweet about it.

20. She's edgy and deep and fascinating, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life learning more about her.

*Number One Thing I Don't Love About Tingle: That she cannot see the beauty and grace she possesses, inside and out.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Lawrence Welk Show

I love the Lawrence Welk Show, so when I saw this skit on the Saturday Night Live website while catching up on some episodes, I decided to watch it. And I laughed hysterically! Hope you do, too!





It's those hands, it just cracks me up!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ain't No Party Like a Political Party!


Disclaimer: A Political Post

Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for! I think America's political process is exciting, as are the debates and the reasons people vote the way they do. I was reading TIME magazine, which outlined how people vote - statistics and whatnot. It got me thinking and wondering - do we mostly vote the way we were raised to vote? Does the way we vote reflect where we live? Our economic status? Our religion? Our moral beliefs?

I will reveal that, until the 2004 election, I had never voted for a Democrat or Republican for president - I always voted for another political party, like Independent, Green, or Libertarian. Why? Because I tried to find the candidate who fit my beliefs about the issues, not just, as some voters have admitted, "The guy I'd most like to have a beer with."

I do not consider myself a Democrat or a Republican - I am not, nor will probably ever be, affiliated with a major political party. I am registered as "independent."

While we like to think of the U.S. as a place where anyone can become president, the U.S. is considered a two-party system, where two political parties dominate the system to the extent that getting elected under any other party is extremely difficult.

What do you think? What makes you vote the way you do? Do you fit in one of these categories?

Major Political Parties

The Socialist Party bases most of its philosophies on revising the system of capitalism (our current economic structure). Need to visit the hospital? Forget insurance. The Socialists believe in universal health care (a system practiced in many European countries), meaning that everyone can get medical coverage, no matter who they are and how much they make. Like the Greens, the Socialists also believe in preserving the environment by the use of other non-destructive forces, like solar energy and hydro power.

The Socialist Party strives to establish a radical democracy that places people's lives under their own control - a non-racist, classless, feminist socialist society... where working people own and control the means of production and distribution through democratically-controlled public agencies; where full employment is realized for everyone who wants to work; where workers have the right to form unions freely, and to strike and engage in other forms of job actions; and where the production of society is used for the benefit of all humanity, not for the private profit of a few.

Socialists believe socialism and democracy are one and indivisible. The working class is in a key and central position to fight back against the ruling capitalist class and its power. The working class is the major force worldwide that can lead the way to a socialist future - to a real radical democracy from below. The Socialist Party fights for progressive changes compatible with a socialist future. Socialists support militant working class struggles and electoral action, independent of the capitalist controlled two-party system, to present socialist alternatives. We strive for democratic revolutions - radical and fundamental changes in the structure and quality of economic, political, and personal relations - to abolish the power now exercised by the few who control great wealth and the government. The Socialist Party is a democratic, multi-tendency organization, with structure and practices visible and accessible to all members.

The Constitution Party was founded as the U.S. Taxpayers' Party in 1992. It ranks third nationally amongst all U.S. political parties in registered voters, with 366,937 registered members as of November 2006. The Constitution Party advocates a platform which aims to reflect the principles of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution of the United States, and the Bill of Rights.

Seven Principles of the Constitution Party are:
  1. Life: For all human beings, from conception to natural death;

  2. Liberty: Freedom of conscience and actions for the self-governed individual;

  3. Family: One husband and one wife with their children as divinely instituted;

  4. Property: Each individual's right to own and steward personal property without government burden;

  5. Constitution: and Bill of Rights interpreted according to the actual intent of the Founding Fathers;

  6. States' Rights: Everything not specifically delegated by the Constitution to the federal government is reserved for the state and local jurisdictions;

  7. American Sovereignty: American government committed to the protection of the borders, trade, and common defense of Americans, and not entangled in foreign alliances.
The Republican Party is often considered "the Right" or "conservative" party, the Republican Party opposes gay marriage, high taxes and abortion (except in the case of rape, incest or problem pregnancies). Many republicans support harsher punishments for drug users, standardized testing within schools and a strong military force. The Republicans were among the first and strongest supporters of the war in Iraq. They also favor privatization of health care.

Founded in 1854 by anti-slavery expansion activists and modernizers, the Republican Party quickly surpassed the Whig Party as the principal opposition to the Democratic Party. Today, the party supports a neoconservative platform with further foundations in supply-side fiscal policies, partial government ownership of the financial industry, and social conservatism.

Republicans like to think of themselves as the conservative party—for small government, a strong national defense, and traditional moral values. The Republican party's beliefs include: a fiscally responsible government that allows “individuals to keep more of the money they earn” and the “best government is that which governs the least.” Translated—lower taxes and more laws decided at the state level. Small government means our federal government should only intervene on issues and laws outlined in the Constitution; otherwise, issues of public policy should be resolved at the state level.

The Libertarian Party is currently one of the largest third political party in the United States with 200,000 registered members. Libertarians are deeply supportive of the concept of individual liberty as a precondition for moral and stable societies. In their ''Statement of Principles,'' they declare: ''We hold that all individuals have the right to exercise sole dominion over their own lives, and have the right to live in whatever manner they choose, so long as they do not forcibly interfere with the equal rights of others to live in whatever manner they choose.'' To this end, Libertarians want to reduce the size of government (eliminating many of its current functions entirely).The party tends to favor minimally regulated economic markets, strong civil liberties, minimally regulated migration across borders, and non-interventionism in foreign policy with a respect for freedom of trade and travel to all foreign countries. Combing aspects of both popular parties, Libertarians tend to focus on reduced taxation, privatization of Social Security and welfare, reduced regulation of business, rollbacks of labor regulations, and reduction of government interference in foreign trade. They tend to support the unrestricted right to guns, abolishing laws against victimless crimes such as drug possession, prostitution and driving regulations.

The big issue that most Libertarians are known for is their love of guns. They take the second amendment very seriously and even refer to it as their "hot-button" issue for the 2004 election. The Libertarians like to stress the individual and believe that the government is too controlling and intrusive on many issues. They favor the privatization of certain services, such as health care and schooling. Sounds a little republican? While they do seem to have much in common, a couple of things separate these groups, such as the Libertarians' stance on the legalization of marijuana, abortion rights and gay marriage - they believe in the rights of the individual to make these decisions. In addition, the Libertarians believe morals are an individual's concern and should not be dictated by the government.

Key tenets of the Libertarian Party platform include the following:
  • Adoption of laissez-faire principles which would reduce the state's role in the economy. This would include, among other things, markedly reduced taxation, privatization of Social Security and welfare (for individuals, as well as elimination of "corporate welfare"), markedly reduced regulation of business, rollbacks of labor regulations, and reduction of government interference in foreign trade.

  • Protection of property rights.

  • Minimal government bureaucracy. The Libertarian Party states that the government's responsibilities should be limited to the protection of individual rights from the initiation of force and fraud.

  • Strong civil liberties positions, including privacy protection, freedom of speech, freedom of association, and sexual freedom.

  • Opposition to civil rights laws that regulate the private sector, such as affirmative action and non-discrimination laws.

  • Support for the unrestricted right to the means of self-defense (such as gun rights, the right to carry mace or pepper spray, etc).

  • Abolition of laws against "victimless crimes" (such as prostitution, driving without a seat belt, use of controlled substances, fraternization, etc.).

  • Opposition to regulations on how businesses should run themselves (e.g., smoking)

  • A foreign policy of free trade and non-interventionism.

  • Support for a fiscally responsible government including a hard currency (commodity-based money supply as opposed to fiat currency).

  • Abolition of all forms of taxpayer-funded assistance (welfare, food stamps, public housing, Health care, etc.)

Libertarians state that their platform follows from the consistent application of their guiding principle: "mutual respect for rights." They are therefore deeply supportive of the concept of individual liberty as a precondition for moral and stable societies. In their "Statement of Principles," they declare: "We hold that all individuals have the right to exercise sole dominion over their own lives, and have the right to live in whatever manner they choose, so long as they do not forcibly interfere with the equal right of others to live in whatever manner they choose." To this end, Libertarians want to reduce the size of government (eliminating many of its current functions entirely).

The Democratic Party was originally known as "the party of the common man." Called "the Left" or "liberal" party, the Democrats have been linked to the middle class and receive a large percent of minority vote in elections. They are opposed to corporate tax breaks and focus more on providing public services. Mainly pro-choice, the party has strong support from many feminist groups, like Planned Parenthood and FMLA (Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance). Originally supportive of the war in Iraq, many democrats feel that the time has come to leave the Middle East and rebuild alliances with foreign nations. As for gay marriage, many dems are for gay unions--equal rights, but not exactly the same as marriage. The Democrats continue to focus their energy on working class America and hope to strengthen the middle class.

Since the 1890s, the Democratic Party has favored "liberal" positions (the term "liberal" in this sense describes social liberalism, not classical liberalism). In recent exit polls, the Democratic Party has had broad appeal across all socio-ethno-economic demographics. Historically, the party has favored farmers, laborers, labor unions, and religious and ethnic minorities; it has opposed unregulated business and finance, and favored progressive income taxes.

In recent decades, the party has adopted a centrist economic and more socially progressive agenda, with the voter base having shifted considerably. Once dominated by unionized labor and the working class, the Democratic base now consists of social liberals who tend to be well-educated as well as the socially more conservative working class. Today, Democrats advocate more social freedoms, affirmative action, balanced budget, and a free enterprise system tempered by government intervention (mixed economy). The party believes that government should play a role in alleviating poverty and social injustice, even if such requires a larger role for government and progressive taxation.

The Green Party was officially formed in 2001 after several state chapters of the Green Party came together. Their initial goal was to help the state politicians grow, however they burst onto the national scene when Ralph Nader was nominated and placed third in the 2000 presidential election. The defining position of the Greens is their dedication to environmental issues--hence the name "Green." They also believe in grassroots democracy, supporting local activism, smaller and independently owned business, abortion rights, as well as the restructuring of certain political institutions. Openly opposed to the war since the beginning, the Greens support the removal of the troops from Iraq immediately and if elected would support a decrease in military spending.

The Green Party of the United States emphasizes environmentalism, non-hierarchical participatory democracy, social justice, respect for diversity, peace and nonviolence. Their "Ten Key Values," which are described as non-authoritative guiding principles, are as follows:

  1. Grassroots democracy

  2. Social justice and equal opportunity

  3. Ecological wisdom

  4. Non-violence

  5. Decentralization

  6. Community-based economics and economic justice

  7. Feminism and gender equity

  8. Respect for diversity

  9. Personal and global responsibility

  10. Future focus and sustainability

I've taken several political quizzes to see where I fit. I've found that I usually fall somewhere between Libertarian and Socialist. While I do believe in a lot of the Libertarian platforms, I differ about gun control, their "hot button" issue.

Interested in quizzing yourself? Try one of these (I tried to only post quizzes that include other parties, not just the Big Two):

http://www.politicalcompass.org/index
You don't need to provide any personal information here, which is a bonus. This test shows where your political compass puts you on a spectrum, not which party you would fit. It showed that my political compass puts me right between Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. Wow!

http://quiz.myyearbook.com/myspace/PersonalityEmotion/390235/Which_Political_Party_Represents_You_Best.html This one pins me as Libertarian...

http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=Smood
This very short quiz says I'm Green Party...

http://www.gurl.com/play/quizzes/pages/0,,647035,00.html
A good quiz, very girl-centric though. This one says I'm Socialist...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Now I'm freeee.... free balling!

I've been really busy lately - not home a whole lot. And with the time I had to do laundry yesterday, I washed towels since S. was complaining about no clean towels and my nephews were sleeping over and we were giving them baths. But I should have washed underwear.

When I got dressed this morning, all I had left were the "reserve" underwear. These are 3 pairs of underwear that really don't fit me at all, but for some reason I've kept them in the back of the drawer. They are relatively new, since I apparently bought the wrong size to begin with. "Oh well," I thought. I've worn them before, and they end up being more like bikinis on my usual-brief-wearing lower torso. Not comfortable, but at least it's undies. (Check out my previous writing about panties: The Hierarchy of the Panties)

We took the boys to the zoo today. A really nice, if somewhat cool, fall day at a very empty zoo. Of course, as we usually do at the zoo, there was a lot of running and racing. First off, we started racing to the front of the zoo, me pushing the stroller, and S. running with my older nephew. After some jogging along, I felt the undies sliding off. Since there were other people around, I stopped running and check to make sure it's just the undies and not the pants, too. Everything's good, so I hike up the undies and keep going.

We visited the primate and aquatic building, which was exciting because the animals were very active today - we saw the gorillas, red pandas, a crazy running armadillo, and even a baboon with a really long penis that he was showing off (some people took pictures, but I was trying to keep an eye on the boys who were running around like crazy. Besides, last year I got some great shots of a chimpanzee being a cunning linguist on another chimp, and also two crazy squirrels going at it for like 20 minutes).

After seeing the animals, playing on the playground, and getting some lunch, we headed back down the hill to the Australian Outback area. At this point, my panties were really not doing anything for me. I had to keep pulling them up, and they pretty much parked below my butt, below my naughty bits - the only thing keeping them from falling off completely was the crotch of my pants that were holding them up. S. said that you couldn't tell they were falling off, but I don't know if I believe him.

After the Australia experience, we went to the bathroom, did the diaper change thing, and I decided that was it - time to lose the panties. I took 'em off and thought for a mili-second about putting them in my pocket, but decided to just toss them out.

When I came out, I said, "I'm free!" S. said, "So, you're going commando?" I said, "Can you tell?" And he said, "Yes." I said, "Really?" and he said, "Yeah, I can see the hairs poking out!" Nice! hahaha

Being this free is not very comfortable for me out in public. I like to have at least 2 layers of fabric between me and the outside world, especially at a germ-fest like the zoo.

I have been undie-less before, although it's rare. I have had a few occasions when I admit, I've pooped my pants. And the more people I admit this to, the more I know that pretty much everyone has or will poop their pants at some time in their life. If you haven't already, you will.

Most recently, I had a break during our board meetings last November from like noon to 3:00pm. I had a meeting at 3:00, so after a few hours of doing some work and trying not to fall asleep, right at 2:55, I had some gas, and yes, I let it rip. Well, it wasn't gas. And it was a LOT of shit. Sometimes you just have a little come out, ya know? This was so much, I had trouble getting down the hall to the bathroom! When I got there, I took off the undies and threw them away. But there was shit all down my legs and on my pants. I did the best I could, but there was no way I could go sit in a meeting smelling like shit.

I told my boss I was going to miss part of the meeting because "I had an incident and needed to go home and change my pants." She didn't even say anything, just "OK." So, I was only commando for the drive home, but still, walking to my car without undies and smelling like shit, well, you just feel like everyone knows. I ended up needing to shower off my ass and legs before changing my clothes and returning to work.

Back to the zoo story, I stayed undie-less for the rest of the afternoon and all the way home. We all got naps when we got home, and I finally washed a load of underwear. There's no way I can go to work tomorrow without panties!

Interestingly enough, Wikipedia has an entry for "Going Commando." I looked it up as I was curious about the origins of the phrase. Read it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_commando

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Tingle Gets a Little "Tang"

I went to the eye doctor today. I know you are supposed to go every year these days, but I think that's a ploy for eye doctors to make more money. My prescription hasn't changed in over 15 years, and once again, at this appointment, it is the same.

I ordered new contacts, and also got the dreaded glaucoma test where they put the drops in your eyes and wait for your pupils to dilate. Ugh.

While I was waiting for my pupils to dilate, I shopped for new eyeglass frames. I think it's been about 10 years since I got new eyeglasses. I rarely wear them, so it hasn't really mattered. But now the paint is wearing off on the bridge and scratching my face right between my nose, and they are so worn that they don't fit on my head very well.

I would estimate that 80% of the glasses they had to choose from were what I call "Sarah Palin Glasses." They are many different versions of the rectangular-shaped glasses. I don't have anything against them - they look great on some people. But for me, they just didn't look right. And also, I'm not a fan of "trendy."

After getting opinions from the ladies working there, (2 of them liked the Sarah Palin glasses, 1 of them plus me liked the rounder ones that I chose) I decided on the below glasses. They're made by Shanghai Tang, which is apparently some hip brand, but I'd never heard of 'em. They are fun and different. I thought they were "me." See what you think.

When my glasses come in (a week or two) I'll take a picture of me in them.

My eyes have been screwed up ALL day from those glaucoma drops! At first, it wasn't too bad because it was cloudy, but after spending a little bit of time shopping and waiting for my eyes to feel better, the sun broke through, and while beautiful, made my eyes hurt and I could barely keep them open! Those drops are torture!

Friday, October 17, 2008

OhiObama

An Itchy Tingle teaching moment...

This, my dear pupils, is the State Flag of the great state of Ohio:


That is all for today. Class dismissed.

Read below links for extra credit:
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/archives/individual/2008_10/015233.php
http://mediamatters.org/items/200810160022

Thursday, October 16, 2008

If you don't laugh, there's something wrong...

My mom sent me this HILARIOUS bit and I just about choked on my Oodles of Noodles. I think my coworkers might have been wondering what the heck I was doing as I was laughing violently in my office as I read this.

This is a pretty accurate description of what my colonoscopy was like (I had one done in 2005). I'll share some more details of my colonoscopy after the wonderful words from Dave Barry...


This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

TINGLE'S TAKE: First of all, I had to prep with a product called "GoLitely" which should really be called "GoViolently" because there was nothing "lite" about what happened when I drank the stuff. It took a few hours for things to really get "moving" for me, so I was lulled into thinking, "This isn't too bad..."

But when it started, it was just as Dave Barry describes. I actually considered setting up a little cot in the bathroom.

I also slept through the whole thing. Thank goodness. They didn't play music for me, though.

When I woke up in the "waking up" room, they gave me some crackers and ginger ale. I had LOTS of gas - very airy, noisy gas. It had to come out, I was in no state to try and "hold it" in. I apologized to the nurse, and then she told me that it was OK, that she couldn't let me leave until she heard me pass gas. Could you imagine that job? Being the nurse who gives you crackers and ginger ale and then waits around until you fart? I hope she either has a great sense of humor or makes good money.

Also, I didn't have perfect intestines like Dave Barry. When the doctor talked to me, he explained that I had "diverticula throughout" which means that I have little pockets throughout my intestines where stuff can get trapped making me susceptible to infection or diverticulitis. He urged me to avoid foods which give me "issues" (which for me tend to be raw veggies and fruits, particularly lettuce and any kind of "skins").

And, I had a polyp. Which I guess is pretty common, but also means I'm supposed to get a colonoscopy once every 5 years or something. They removed the polyp while they were in there. When he told me I had a polyp, he showed me a nice color portrait of the polyp before it was removed. I asked if I could have a copy of the picture - he looked at me funny, and I said, "I'm not leaving here until I get a picture of my polyp!" (Keep in mind that I was still a bit loopy...)

So, he had the nurse make a copy of the picture for me, and I was sent away happy. I went home and slept the day away to get rid of the general anesthesia hangover. A few days later, the polyp biopsy came back and it was benign.

I always thought I'd never have a colonoscopy or a urinary catheter before I was 50, but the cruel universe had different plans because now I've had both. Must be downhill from here!

And now, my friends, I present to you in full vivd technicolor, the debut of my polyp. Yes, this is the actual photo of my polyp, removed from my innards in October 2005, and hereby dubbed by me: Shiny Happy Polyp.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Vested Interest


I do not understand vests. A vest is a clothing item I don't get. As a fashion accessory, OK, sure. But don't pretend it has a purpose. People wear vests at this time of year as outerwear.

When I get cold, the first parts to get cold are my extremities. Isn't that true of everyone? We're always complaining that our feet are cold, our hands are cold, our legs are cold, our ears are cold. I have never thought to myself, nor have I heard anyone else say, "Gee, my chest sure is cold!" or "Wow, this cold hits me right in the belly."

So, why the vest? When it gets cold, wouldn't it make more sense to have just sleeves with gloves? Isn't that the part that gets cold first?

Bottom line is, unless you are protecting your vital organs (ala a bullet-proof vest), then I don't see the point in vests.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Lost Together


I no longer expect things to make sense. I know there is no safety. But that does not mean there is no magic. It does not mean there is no hope. It simply means that each of us has reason to be wishful and frightened, aspiring and flawed. And it means that, to the degree we are lost, it is on the same ocean, in the same night.

- Elizabeth Kaye (author)