The Art of Receiving

I was amazed to see these words on the cover of my recent issue of Ode Magazine: "The Art of Receiving - How to open your heart to the gifts of life." I thought, "Could it be? Someone else is exploring the fine art of gracious acceptance?"

During this season of giving and receiving, I encourage you to read my post from June of this year, called The Grace of Gratitude, and the Ode article, called The Art of Receiving.

The Ode article really helped me to understand the dynamics of giving and receiving a little better. It also mentions Sobonfu Somé, someone I have admired since I first read her book years ago. She is a teacher from the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso in West Africa who left her tribe to bring the teachings of her people to the West.

Some highlights of the article:

• Receiving is harder than giving, but can lead to even greater personal and spiritual growth
• Giving and receiving are fundamental aspects of experience, connecting all life in an interdependent whole. Just as many of us long to experience moments of pure altruism, when we offer our hearts with no strings attached, we also long to receive deeply and freely, fully experiencing what it means to be given to—touched, ­nourished and even transformed by life.
• There is a difference between receiving and taking
• Receiving isn’t easy. If it were, more of us would do it with grace and gratitude.
• The ability to receive is, in fact, essential to physical health, psychological ­balance and spiritual engagement.
• We are taught that giving is better than receiving, so to receive would be embracing the "lesser" part
• Scientists monitored the brain activity of volunteers while they played computer games in which they could win cash rewards and donate the proceeds to charity. Both receiving money and giving it away increased levels of dopamine, a hormone related to ­feeling good. But giving away money caused more activity, and released oxytocin, ­another “feel good” hormone associated with emotional closeness. The study suggests that giving is hardwired into our brains, making us feel good about doing good.
• In a “you scratch my back; I’ll scratch yours” society, saying yes to a gift or a gesture more often than not means saying yes to unspoken obligations, not the least of which is to respond in kind.
• There is a “spiritual” significance to the connection between giver and receiver. “One has no right to refuse a gift,” wrote anthropolgist Marcel Mauss. “To act in this way is to show that one is afraid of having to reciprocate."
• There are several motives for gift-giving - such as the receiver expressing positive feelings, the giver maintaining power and prestige, and the giver promoting self-interest.
• Many of us instinctively resist receiving because we sense the power dynamics involved, which reduce the receiver to the weaker position. Receiving empowers the giver - which is not necessarily a bad thing, and can boost the confidence of the giver in relationships of love and trust.
• Guilt is one way our conscience responds to situations in which we feel we don’t deserve the good things that come to us. In the U.S., we have a basic belief system that we work for what we are given. To receive, we might need to leave behind the safety net of a work-equals-reward mentality.
• Accepting may mean allowing for the possibility that we never had to deserve what we’ve “earned” in the first place. And if there’s no ­deserving, it means some things, at least, are simply free.
• “One of the biggest reasons we don’t receive well is that we think receiving is going to take something away from someone else,” says Sobonfu Somé. “So we feel guilty accepting what we are given.”
• When we receive deeply we’re receiving not just from an individual but from spirit itself. And when we receive from spirit, “we receive from an abundant source that can offer whatever we need.” Adds Somé, “There is always enough for everybody. Everything from spirit is free. There is no price in receiving. We don’t need to earn what we’re given. We just need to turn toward spirit with an attitude of service. So we can feel grateful, but there is no reason to feel guilty.”
• Without receiving we can’t feel close to others. Receiving is very much about intimacy. When we receive a gift, help or a compliment, we feel a connection to the giver and they feel connected to us.
• Receiving isn’t easy, because it means we’ve given up control, but the more you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable, which happens automatically when you’re receiving and giving up that degree of control, the closer you’re both going to feel.
• Like giving, there is power in receiving, in saying "yes"
• Receiving heals us individually, it is a medicine designed to heal and strengthen us. Being seen, loved and appreciated are just a few of the gifts that one can receive in relationships.
• Sometimes we have to change our limited thoughts on the experience of giving and receiving - instead of thinking, "She is trying to control me" try thinking, "She wants me to be happy."
• Life is a gift we receive each day, but the gift can be terrifying when we don’t get what we want or want what we get, when there is disappointment and even catastrophe. So we close down. And when we’re closed, it’s as though we are asleep to the gift of life.
• There is transformation that takes place when we receive what we’re given, and discover the possibilities hidden in the pain. The gift in grieving for our losses, for example, is deep gratitude.
• Health and creativity require equal measures of both giving and receiving - how can we really give to life if we haven’t received from life? Giving without receiving, doing without regenerating, is like burning the candle at both ends.

I hope during this holiday season, you were open to receiving the gifts you were given with gratitude and grace!