The Hierarchy of the Panties

I was putting laundry away this evening, and found that all of my panties would not fit in the drawer. Since I can't do laundry in China (aside from washing in the sink), I plan to follow my mom's advice and just take-and-toss my undies. This all reminded me of my patented "Hierarchy of the Panties."

I'm willing to bet that everyone has their own Hierarchy of the Panties - even men. Basically, we all have the nicer undies, the not-so-new undies, and the "holey" undies, which are reserved for dire laundry emergencies.

I used to only have 2 tiers in the Hierarchy of the Panties - there were the "nice and newish" and the "on their way outs." When we took an extended vacation to Hawaii, I didn't want to risk not have fresh undies, so I stocked up and took enough (and then some) to last me the whole trip. I figured you can always wear the shorts and t-shirts again, and even stretch the bras and socks, but panties - no way. Not even inside out. I'm weird like that.

Thus began the Lucky Dynasty in the Hierarchy of the Panties. Here is the breakdown:

1. Lucky Panties #1 (the Quarterback) - my absolute favorite panties in every way - love the fit, the fabric, the color, and the way they make me feel. Right now, this is a pair of yellow cotton (always, always, always cotton...) hi-cuts with multicolored mod flower shapes.
2. Lucky Panties #2 - very similar to LP#1, but not the top favorite one. Right now, these are pink with red and pink spirals
3. First String - much like a football team, your first string is ready to go for anything. These are generally new, comfortable, and stain-free - but many are plain white or the colors and prints that aren't my favorite.
4. Second String - your second string is for weekends, lounging, going to an Amusement Park, or for days when the full moon is arising. If LP#1, LP#2, or any of the First Strings get stained or compromised slightly, but are still functional and comfortable, they are moved to the 2nd String.
5. Third String - the third string is for those "not so fresh" days, or when it's "clean up on aisle one" time of month. When I haven't done laundry in a while, there is no choice but to move into the 3rd string, even if some are stained or somewhat unsavory.
6. The Bench - these are the panties that I hardly ever wear because they don't fit as nicely or I don't like the color. These have been pushed to the back of the underwear drawer, but I can't get rid of them because most of them have only been worn once or twice.

So, when no more panties would fit in the drawer, I decided to remove the Benchers and put them with the items I am collecting to take on my China trip. These will be worn once and then thrown away. Some of the 3rd Stringers will also be coming with me on the trip.

When I buy new panties, sometimes a new star quarterback emerges to become Lucky Panties #1, or #2. Some in the pack may become Benchers right away, depending on fit and color. The new panties cause an upset in the natural balance of the panty team, and some panties are assigned new positions in the hierarchy.

Former LP#1 and #2 are moved into First String position. Some First Stringers are moved into Second String, the Second Stringers are culled and some are moved into Third String, and some of the Third Stringers are sent to the "Locker Room" - aka: the trash.

Occassionally, there is a particularly tough panty day, when one of the girls has to "weather the elements." On these days, I have no choice but to send this particular pair, regardless of its position in the Hierarchy, to the "Locker Room" for forced retirement.

Sometimes, I put this pair on the "disabled list" and, through rigorous Stain Stick and bleach therapy, try to save this young star from early retirement. Sometimes this brings a pair back into rotation in the First or Second String, if I'm lucky.

I do my best to coordinate the panty color with the bra color, as well. Last week, I was taking a potty break at work when I realized that I had accidentally matched my blue bra with a pair of blue flowered panties. Since I got dressed in the dark that morning, it was an amazing miracle to me. I knew it was going to be a good day. Of course, it was a Friday...

This is, my friends, The Hierarchy of the Panties!

Driving in cars to go look at cars

This evening, we went to the Auto Show, which was pretty decent. My dad, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, and husband went. We are looking to get a new car, hopefully this year, and not necessarily new, so it's a good place to scope out cars, sit in them, look at gas mileage and other specs.

When we first got there, my 21-month old nephew D was pretty excited about the cars. He was so funny - he got so giddy about being able to sit in the driver's seat. We were looking at one concept car, and I said, "Wow! What do you think?" and he says, "Cooooool car!" It was adorable - and a relief that he was enjoying himself and wasn't bored out of his mind. He was really interested in looking at the engine of one of the cars, too.

Jeep had actually put in a driving course, and my dad and I decided to wait in the 1-hour line for it. We got to ride in a car (with an authorized driver) and go through a course that included bumps, steep hills, and plowing through some water. I joked while we were in line how exciting it was that we got to ride in a car, even though we had all come to the Auto Show in cars. My husband took the photo at the left. I'm in the backseat, gearing up for the steep hill.

When we got up to the front, my brother re-appeared, so he joined us and we got to ride in a suped-up Jeep Grand Cherokee. We were laughing because it had a GPS system in it (in case they got lost on this closed course). The driver didn't say much, but we asked questions. Mostly car-related questions, and then I asked, "Have you ever had someone fart in here?" He said, "No, but that's the first time anyone's ever asked me that!" It really was pretty fun to ride on the course.

When we met up with the family, we saw that Jeep also had a kid's course - they had those motorized Jeeps for little guys to ride around in. Of course we had to get D in one of those! Even though he had to wear a helmet, he loved it (see photo at right). He didn't quite get the idea of using the gas pedal to go, so his mom had to push him around (those Jeeps are amazingly heavy!). It was funny to watch the other kids driving around because they kept crashing into the walls and other cars.

I don't have a really exciting or funny story today, but it was a nice time. I was glad to be able to sit in one of those Scion Xb cars, because now I know I don't want it - it was very uncomfortable and awkward. I think we have pretty much settled on either a Saturn VUE (see photo at left) or a Subaru Forester.

S kept pushing for a Saturn SKY (see photo at right) - but it doesn't have any backseats - and I told him I AM hoping to need backseats someday!

I just learned that one of my favorite actors, Don Knotts, died today. This is sad news to me. If you've never seen "The Incredible Mr. Limpett" you are missing what, to me, is one of the best movies ever. What a comic genius.

Get your hands off my sausage

Tired, so this will be a short post (not that anyone is reading these anyway...)

I think my pet fish in my office like my coworker (who kindly fish-sat for me when I was on vacation) better than they like me. I still love them, though. They just seem to perk up when she comes around. She took care of them while I was away last week. She insists that they watch her work and that their "eyes are glowing!" I must admit, they do look a lot better this week, and bigger, too.

Here's the weird story for the day...
While grocery shopping with my husband, a guy was kind of on the same "track" as we were - you know how sometimes at a store you keep passing the same person, and then you end up in line at the same time? Such a strange phenomenon.

I was looking at italian sausage, and he was looking at italian sausage. I guess he looked at me and thought, "She looks like she eats a lot of sausage. She must know sausage." (Oh yeah, that's not a double entendre...) I picked up a pack of sausage, and then he picked one up. I wandered around the meat department for a while, and then found the CheddarWurst sausages I was looking for, and wouldn't you know that the guy was right behind me and picked up the SAME CHEDDARWURST SAUSAGE!! I had the feeling that he was watching me and then getting what I was getting.

When I reconvened with my husband, the sausage guy vanished. It just struck me as a bit of a strange happening.

Let Your Light Shine!

I know you want to hear more about the backpack drama...

Here's the thing, my loving husband already bought me a huge backpack - it's HUGE! I thought it would be great, because it's like a big dufflebag on my back, but there are all these compartments and straps and it's confusing. It was also one of the few that we tried that had a waist strap that actually fit around me.

But, here's the kicker - I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The pack is so large, it sticks up behind my head! I look like a sherpa for crying out loud!!

I've had that backpack since December, and I've finally decided, it's not going to work. That's where I am now with the whole backpack search and why it has now become somewhat more of an urgent matter. I am limited in the luggage I can bring so I want to make the most of the one backpack and one suitcase I'm bringing. I just need something bigger than a bookbag, but not so big that I could put a midget in there.

Speaking of midgets, I'm thinking of getting one of those Chinese babies. I have infertility issues, so adoption is an option, although we aren't actively pursuing it yet. Yep, "Hi I'm such-n-such, and I'm infertile..." So, they are always trying to get rid of those Chinese babies and I'm thinking about shoving one in my backpack to bring back with me. Maybe I should keep the larger pack. Add a hamster water bottle, and it's like a backpack-n-play. Except the kid can't play. They can barely squirm...

No less than three people I work with have adopted or will adopt internationally. Maybe karma is trying to tell me something. One adopted a baby boy from Guatemala, another picked up her daughter from China last week, and the other person is in the midst of adopting a little boy from Russia. At least I have lots of people to turn to for advice if/when I get to that point.

Finally, today I was asked if I would participate in some promotional filming they were doing at work. I went up to the studio, stood in front of a green screen, and they instructed me to get excited and energized and say some things to motivate people to come to our national convention next year. A bunch of people were asked to do this - including people who speak different languages (I'm fluent in Dork-ese).

First, I was supposed to improvise inviting someone to a party - like, "You won't want to miss it!" or "Everyone will be there!" I stuttered and laughed and it was really bad. There were 4 people in the room - the guy in charge of the project, two videographers, and one sound guy. I'm not very good at performing like that.

Then they wanted me to say, "Let it shine!" in all different ways. I ended up singing "Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..." like the song "This little light of mine." That seemed to work.

The last thing they wanted me to do was to say how my light shines, as in "I let my light shine by...." Of course, they threw the big JC in there, like, "How does the light of Jesus shine through you?" Since I'm not all that into JC, in my mind, I just thought about what my light is and how it shines, as in what gives me joy, what do I bring to the world, what energizes me and feeds my soul.

I wanted to say, "My light shines best when I'm naked!" It's been a long-running goal of mine to streak through our national convention.

Anyway, I had a lot of answers for this, but finally I came to this: "I let my light shine by making people laugh!" I tried to be enthusiastic, but they said, "Could you throw a little laugh in there at the end?" I could not imagine doing that and not sounding fake. They suggested that I do something funny. All I could think of was the "Fish Lips" face. Everyone in the room busted up, so I did that. I felt like a complete cheese-nugget - like I was a Clown for JC or something. And they made me do like 5 takes!

By the time it was over, I felt like I'd been interrogated - standing in front of bright lights and saying things to make the people in the dark happy. I was even sweating!

So, my question for you today is: HOW DOES YOUR LIGHT SHINE? Since I'm anti-religious, but I do consider myself spiritual, try to think of it like what kind of light do you bring to the world? We all bring some kind of light - is yours blue? yellow? plaid? I'd love to hear what your light is made of. Come on, if I could do it in front of a film crew, you can do it anonymously here on the web.

I let my light shine by making people laugh - preferably with me and not at me!

Let the Son Shine In!

My friend, Depressionista, pointed out to me sometime ago that I say some funny swear words a lot, such as "Geezy Petes" and "Bun of a Snitch." So, I started paying attention, and I do this a lot. But I don't think I'm the only one. Especially if you have kids, you are making up swear words. I know my brother and sister-in-law have some funny ones so that they don't swear around my nephew. Here's a list of the ones I say:

Geezy Petes
Bun of a Snitch
Jackwipe (as in, "Get out of my lane, Jackwipe!!!")
Dicklicker (another one I use while driving, as in, "Nice turn signal, Dicklicker!")
Eff, effed, effin (as in, "That's effed up!" or "Shut your effin mouth!")

Some other good ones that are not in my repertoire:

Son of a biscuit
Tarter Sauce! (my bro and SIL used this one around my nephew, from Spongebob)
Cock-knocker

Send me yours!

Also, this reminded me that I was driving to a doctor's appointment today and I passed a church, and on the sign it said, "Exposure to the sun can prevent burning." Obviously, they meant to say, "Exposure to the SON (as in the big JC) can prevent burning (in hell)." I thought it was pretty humorous that it was completely incorrect. Are people that oblivious about the English language? Isn't there just ONE person in that church who would say, "Uh, I think you mean SON there..." I think I'm going to try and take a picture of it this week.

GO LEMMINGS GO!

Fat Bottomed Girl

So, I'm going to China in April. I'm getting nervous, which means that I am turning my attention to frivolous issues that don't really matter - such as finding the PERFECT backpack to take on the trip. It seems like everytime I think I find the perfect travel item, it ends up in embarassment. Like my last airplane trip - I went to California. I was in the front of the airplane, so I was one of the last to board. And there wasn't much overhead space for my "carry-on." I'm all flustered and sweaty as it is, and starting to go into panic mode because there isn't much space in the overhead bins.

I should also mention that I am FAT - not just slightly overweight, but bordering on needing to purchase an extra seat on the plane (I swear I'll carve away my fat with a pocket knife if I ever need to ask for a seatbelt extension on the plane!!). So, I have to turn sideways to get down the aisles, and I'm wacking people with any one of the following: my carry-on suitcase, my laptop case, my elbows, my hips, or my giant ass. Actually, many people were getting any number of combinations from the above projectiles.

Anyhoo, I finally find a space, and I start jamming the suitcase up there, trying not to hit any of the passengers below with my suitcase or my breasts. Of course, it won't fit. By this time, everyone is seated, so I am now the main event. "This afternoon's entertainment is brought to you by the sweaty fat chick, whose arm flab jiggles everytime she tries to get the suitcase in the overhead compartment!"

You would think someone would maybe help, but no - they are obviously staring at me, and then averting their eyes to their Wall Street Journals when I try to plead for assistance.

Finally a stewardess - sorry, a flight attendant - sees my struggles. I'm like, "I think I'll just check this." But she thinks there's room in the compartments in First Class. So, she starts trying to jam it up there, and I'm even trying to crush it down so that it will fit. One of the first class passengers says he will help. He's huge - probably a football player or basketball player - and very kind. He finally gets it up there, saying, "I don't know if you'll be able to get it back out..." What a nightmare!

Anyway, I thought that would be perfect for traveling as a carry-on bag, but it wasn't. I ended up checking it on the way back since I broke out in a cold sweat at just the thought of going through that experience again.

So, back to the backpacks. I mentioned that I'm fat. So, I want a backpack that has enough room for a couple of days of stuff, not just a few biology books, and yet not so big that it could fit a tent in it. And I need the waist belt thing to be long enough to get around my creamy marshmallow nougat center. What to do, what to do... Apparently, "they" want you to be active, but not if you're too fat - if you're too fat, they don't make active wear for you, or hiking backpacks that actually fit.

Did I mention that there aren't any fat people in China?

Maybe I can lose 75 lbs. by April.

What is Itchy Tingle?

One of my favorite conversational questions is "If you had a band, what would you call it?"

For the longest time, I had two perfect names:
Spleen (just imagine: "Ladies and gentlemen, SPLEEEEEENNNNN!!!"
Glistening Panties (this would be an all-girl group)

Lately (fueled by an obsession for "Guitar Hero" on Playstation), I've been thinking up other names.

First, I came up with "Burning Bush." This would also be an all-girl band and it came from trying to come up with ride ideas for a real theme park called "The Holy Land Experience." My friend, "Depressionista" still has the winning ride idea: "The Guilt-a-Whirl."

Anyway, just this weekend, I heard a commercial about cold sores, which described that "itchy tingle" sensation you get when you are developing one. I thought that was a great band name, and now my blog name. Just rolls off the tongue, don't it?

Here are some band names from my friends:
Joy Box
Oily Discharge
Itchy Biscuit
Mack and the Dingleberries
Bad Touch
Anal Leakage
Sneezer
Cameltoe (all girl band)
Gristle or Strings of Gristle or Gristlevein (heavy metal band)
Syphilisten (grunge)

Got a cool, yet funny, band name? E-mail me!