Donuts!

This is a public service announcement.

This morning, as I drove to work, I saw something that I see often. Sure, I see people talking on their cell phones and swerving around the road. That bothers me, but I'll save that for another blog. Today, I want to talk to you about donuts.

"MMMmmmm, donuts," you're probably thinking. No, not that kind of donut, Homer.

A "Donut" is the small, spare tire you get with a car. Donuts replaced spare tires in the late 1970s as a way to reduce weight and improve fuel efficiency (for those of you who remember the great fuel crisis). Nowadays, most cars come with a full-size spare, especially larger cars. But you still see the donuts.

Donut tires are a handy thing to have. However, there are rules and responsibilities that come with using a spare tire. These are pretty basic:

1. Donut spare tires are not supposed to be driven on any further than it takes to haul your flat tire to a tire store - most say 20 miles max.
2. It is unsafe and irresponsible to drive on a donut faster than 30 MPH.

So, why oh why do I see folks driving 60 on the highway during my commute to work? When I see these people, I try to get around them as I envision their donut tire flying off at high speed, slamming into my windshield, and decapitating me. Please, please, if you can't afford to get the tire fixed, ride the bus!

Super Chin!

After seeing a picture of myself from this past weekend (shown at left), I decided that if I were a super hero, my name would be "SUPER CHIN!"

Another Mental Snack...

If it weren't for political scandal, I wouldn't know the names of any politicians outside of the obvious ones and my local politicians. Let's hear it for scandal, the educator of the masses!

All Orange

One of my favorite jokes (learned from my Mom):

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

It's an eye-roller, but always a hit with the kids! So, speaking of orange, it is currently my favorite color and I have many orange items that I wear. On my last out of town trip, I realized I was wearing an orange shirt and was carrying an orange purse. I decided that, from now on, when I go to the airport, I'm going to dress in the color of the "Terror Alert" level for the airlines.

CURRENT TERROR ALERT LEVEL:

(top color for air travel, bottom color for everyone else)
OR General Terror Alert Level:


Did you know the terror alert level for air travel is often different than it is for the rest of us? Currently, the terror alert for people in average life situations is yellow, or elevated. Those who are catapulting themselves into the air in a weapon of mass destruction (aka, an airplane) are experiencing the terror alert level set to orange, or high.

Below: Creative take on the terror alert level


Ever since Sept. 11, flying has been a nightmare, but this has become even more multiplied since the events in August, 2006, when a plot was discovered in the UK to blow up planes headed to the US with liquid explosives. Ever since then, people have no longer been able to carry liquids with them as carry-on items, including water, contact lens solution, shampoo, lotion, toothpaste, etc.

I have been prepared for this on my last few flights. My first one, instead of carrying my toiletries with me as a carry-on (my personal safeguard against lost luggage), I packed all of them. I forgot to think about my purse, and ended up throwing away 2 small containers of hand sanitizer. OK, no biggie. Later, I realized I still had toothpaste in there, and no one said anything.

On the return flight for that trip, a woman was flying alone with an infant child. After miraculously getting everything, including the stroller, through the x-ray machine without dropping the kid, she was told she had to dump out the 2 oz. of juice that were in her child's sippy cup before she could go through.

The next flight I took (to Washington DC), I was just amazed at how people seem to suddenly lose many IQ points as they enter the security area. Business people who looked like they flew all the time didn't take their laptops out of their bags. Even though there are signs everywhere, people didn't take off their shoes. It's almost like the radiation of the x-ray machine renders people temporarily brain-dead. On the return trip, they actually had a TSA agent at the gate. She had her rubber gloves and a table all set up and was doing "random" bag searches. But she was stopping nearly everyone. When her attention was distracted to someone who was walking up to the line with a question, I zoomed past her and got down the jetway. Whew! Later, a lady sitting near me said her concealer make-up had been confiscated. Concealer!!! Please!

On my recent trip to Indianapolis, I remembered to not pack any liquids in my carry-on. I even took my laptop out of my bag before I got to the conveyer belt so I was ready to go. This made everything smooth sailing. When I got to the gate, I was fishing around in my bag and realized I had a pair of 6" scissors in my bag, and no one said anything! Apparently, it's OK once again to stab people on airplanes, but you'd better not dare smuggle any water on that plane!

I learned after getting to Indy that you can now bring toiletries on board, as long as they are in a clear plastic bag AND are less than 4 oz. Conveniently, there was a gift shop right by the security check point where you could buy zip-loc bags. Isn't that so thoughtful?

I was pretty sure I didn't have anything, so I went on through. Security at the Indianapolis airport has always been the most brutal ordeal. Nearly every trip I've taken there, they practically do an anal cavity search. The line for the "special" security check, which includes this machine that emits puffs of air up and down your body, almost always includes anyone of color - an Indian family, a black woman, a guy with a dark tan, etc. No racial profiling here!

Everytime I've gone through Indianapolis airport's security, it has been an issue. Once, they searched my laptop bag, removing everything and then shoving it back in haphazardly in such a way that I couldn't zip the bag again. Once they had to "swab" my bag, whatever that means.

This time, my laptop and bag made it through, cords and wires and all, but not my purse. I had a small pot of Blistex DCT in my purse, and I was immediately pulled to the side. "Is there anything in here that might stab me?" she said. I said, "Not that I know of, but my keys and pens are in there." She rifled around until she removed the lip goo. "Do you have a clear plastic bag for this?" she said. "No..." I said with a big sigh, and then added, "This is considered a liquid??" She said, "Liquids, gels, creams...." and did her litany of non-allowed substances, none of which sounded like a category I would put the lip stuff into, since it's essentially a solid in my opinion. "It's less than 4 ounces," I said. "It has to be in a clear plastic bag," she said. "So, I could keep this if I put it in a clear plastic bag?" I said. "Yes," she said. Well, I didn't have a clear plastic bag, and I was running a little late, so I said, "Forget it, just throw it away."

I was infuriated. She had the stuff in her hand, why would it need to be in a clear plastic bag? I can understand if I had a whole bunch of toiletries, but one little pot of lip goo, which is essentially a solid to begin with? So, the flaw in this system is this: you can bring as many liquids, gels, creams, etc. as you want onto the airplane, as long as they are all in less than 4 oz. containers and they fit into a quart-sized zip-loc bag. That's right - you can have an entire ziploc baggie full of little pots of Blistex DCT, but you can't carry ONE without a baggie. Does that make any sense whatsoever? The logic for this on the TSA website is that this limits the amounts per passenger to a quart size bag per person. Except I had ONE TINY ITEM!!!

And then one of the TSA agents is yelling out, "We don't make these rules, we just follow them. One incident ruins it for everyone." One incident? Which would that be? Oh, she must mean the alleged plot to destroy aircraft in mid-flight from the UK to the US with liquid explosives in their carry-ons. The one that all the news channels ran with as if the world itself were imploding, but officials have since stated that the proposed plans that were reported had been "speculative and exaggerated." In fact, no one can agree on what kind of liquid explosives these people were planning to use, because they hadn't, in fact, made any kind of bombs. According to NBC News, a senior British official contended that an attack was not imminent, noting that the suspects had not yet purchased airline tickets and some did not even have passports

A former senior British Army Intelligence Officer with decades of anti-terror and explosives experience, declared the plot to be 'fiction,' saying that the explosives in question could not possibly have been produced on the plane. He further suggested that the plot was an invention of the UK security services in order to justify new security measures that threaten to permanently curtail civil liberties and to suspend sections of the United Kingdom's Human Rights Act of 1998. Wow, sounds like they are taking notes on Human Rights from the US!

In the immediate aftermath of this supposed "incident" (which really was not an incident at all but more of an idea), United States Homeland Security banned all liquids and gels except baby formula and prescription medications in carry-on luggage on all flights. The terror threat level in the United States was raised to 'severe' (red) for all flights from the UK. The terror level for all other domestic or non-British international flights in the United States was raised to High (orange).

According to the TSA website, there is no restriction on the amount of "non-prescription" items, such as, and I quote, "KY jelly!"

So, now that you know I was not able to take that Blistex on board with me, but I did, in fact, carry a pair of 6" scissors on the plane with me, ORANGE you glad TSA is doing such a great job at protecting us?

Mental Snack for the Day...

If I were rich, after giving to charity and all that, I would commission a study on how many facial tissues are sent through the washing machine yearly. This statistic would appear with many other useless studies in a gentle publication such as Women's Day or Reader's Digest.

Along with these statistics, I would also point out that "Kleenex" is a brand name and not a noun.

*Note: Because I keep putting pressure on myself to have full, long blog entries, and this often prevents me from posting at all, I am going to periodically post "Thoughts for the day," little bite-size pieces of mental candy that pop into my head and are relatively short, but will keep the blog fresh.

Brain Google

Did you ever think about someone you know, and you know their name and where you know them from, but you can't picture their face? This could be a former classmate, a celebrity, a relative, even your spouse. This happened to me this morning. For some reason thinking about a former co-worker who was super-hot, and I could remember the department he worked in, his name, his coworkers, etc. But, even though I KNEW he was super-hot, I couldn't picture his face. So, I put into effect the "Brain Google," searching my mental databases and eventually (and rather quickly) was able to bring up what he looked like. But it was a conscious effort.

It's very unnerving when this happens for someone you are very close to - like a sibling, parent, spouse/partner, child. You know that you should know their face, you see them nearly every day. I think somehow our brains start to take those images for granted - like we are so used to seeing them, our brain stops seeing them and just assumes it's already got that image stored, so no need to re-invent the wheel. Except that when you are away from that person for a while, and you try to think about what they look like, you can't pull up their face on your mental monitor. This can even happen when you are sitting right next to them, and then you can cheat and look over and say, "Oh yeah, that's the one..." It's not that you don't think of this person, or others, often when you are not around them, because you do - but I think we don't always think of a picture of their face when we think of them. For me, it's more of a "soul imprint" that I think of - not so much an "image" but a feeling that you recognize and associate with that person.

It's nonetheless distressing when you can't picture the "whole" of someone you care about. I usually have to do the Brain Google for different parts of their face - eyes, mouth, hair - and slowly piece the entire picture back together, which isn't always easy to do. Maybe I'm the only one who has this problem, some sort of facial amnesia, but I like to think that it also has to do with how I've always been more attracted to a person's spirit and personality than their physical being. And this probably comes from my hope that people see more to me than my physical self.

Hotel Karma

Apparently, I was a rock star who trashed hotel rooms in a former life. I have terrible hotel karma. If I'm staying someplace for a vacation or something, no problem, but when traveling for work (which I do a lot lately), I have terrible luck. It sucks, because work travel often requires long hours and not much rest, so when you do get to rest, you don't want to have to deal with issues in your room. The following is my recent journal of bad hotel karma...

June 2004: Minneapolis
The room was way at the end, and in a weird shape, and strangely dark. The giant king-sized bed had a big rut in the middle, causing me to roll into it when I got into bed, and it was extemely uncomfortable. The first night, I woke up to the feeling of someone or something sitting on the end of the bed, like someone sat down or an animal jumped up there. I was convinced the room was haunted, and called the hotel to ask to be moved due to the uncomfortable bed. I was moved - to the room right next to the elevator, and the room was much smaller, but much brighter and a comfortable bed. And it wasn't haunted.

April 2006: Radisson City Centre - Indianapolis
Because we were doing a training event, we had several free suite upgrades. I got one of the suite rooms because we were going to do a "movie night" in my room one evening for participants. When I first got in the room, the closet bar fell when I put clothes on it. I ignored it and just didn't hang anything in the closet. One evening, I came into the room and sat on the couch in living room area. I guess the motion of me sitting down disturbed the picture on the wall, because it fell on me. I heard it sliding and instinctively put my arm up to catch it, so I wasn't injured. Which was good, because when I called the hotel, they never apologized or asked if I was OK, they just said, "Do you want someone to come re-hang it for you?"

June 2006: Hyatt Hotel - Indianapolis
Somehow, I got a handicapped room, I guess because it was one of the only rooms available at the time I arrived. When I got into the room, it looked like no one has been in the room in months, it was dusty and there was dirt in the sink. When I flushed the toilet, it wouldn't go down, and I could hear air in the line. After flushing about 4 times, it finally started to flush normally. When I washed my hands, the sink tap was spouting intermittently as air was obviously in the lines. But the part that put it over the edge was that the sink would not drain. A maintenance person came and said he would need to take the sink apart to find the blockage, so they move me to a new room. The maintenance guy was super nice and brought me a bunch of waters and pop (he offered wine or beer, but I was there for a work event, so I didn't want to go there...)

October 2006: Radisson City Centre - Indianapolis
They didn't have my reservation for my first night, but managed to squeeze me in although they were sold out, betting on a cancellation. They also had the wrong check-out date for me. The highspeed internet cord was so short, I had to have the computer at the back of the desk to reach the outlet. Sitting at the computer, I heard the toilet flush upstairs, and then I heard dripping water - in my bathroom. I looked in to see a steady drip coming from a crack in the ceiling right over the counter, drenching my toiletries. Engineering came, and eventually I was moved to another room. Instead of the luxurious king-sized Sleep Number bed, I had 2 low full-sized beds (NON Sleep Number). I was also RIGHT next to the elevator, which I could hear constantly whooshing like a jet taking off. Even when the A/C was off, there was an annoying tapping/clunking noise coming from the vent by the door. Luckily, I had some earplugs (Thanks LilCherie!!!) and was able to sleep quite soundly all night.

The next night, I was talking on the phone when a loud grinding noise started coming from the A/C vent by the door. It was so loud that the front desk could hear it on the phone when I called. They sent up a key for another room. I was in my pajamas, so I pulled on some pants and quickly packed up my stuff. The room I was moved to was on the end, a large room with a king-sized bed. As soon as the bell-person opened the door, I could smell a strong odor of smoke. I said, "Is this a smoking room?" and he said, "No, but some people don't pay attention to that..." OK, I thought, I'll just turn on the A/C and live with it. So, the bell person left. I took off my shoes and walked to the other side of the bed - and the carpet was soaked. From the window to half the room, the carpet was drenched. I called the front desk, pretty much hyperventilating and near tears - it was almost 11:00pm and I was SO tired after the first full day of our event.

They moved me right down the hall to a suite room, which was actually quite nice. The bell-person walked around the room and turned on the lights to make sure they worked, and tried the TV and everything. He was hesitant to leave, saying, "Are you SURE everything is OK?" as if I were the most high-maintenance person they'd ever had in the hotel. I was teary and upset, so I just said, "It's fine, it's fine..." The room ended up being fine for the next 2 nights, thankfully.

I've had plenty of other bad experiences in hotels, I just never thought that much about them until now. It's one thing when you stay in a Super 8 or something, your expectations are lower, but quite frankly, I don't think I've ever had a bad experience in one of those motels. Heck, even in China I didn't have water dripping from the ceiling or anything. Sure, you HAD to wear shoes or slippers all the time (one time I went down the hall and back to my room barefoot and the bottoms of my feet were literally black with dirt) and flip-flops in the shower, but we were prepared for that and it truly wasn't as bad as my experiences in Indianapolis! I'm actually starting to think it's less the hotel and more the city of Indianapolis! I don't have to go back there until next Spring, which will be too soon for me.

Alien Season

I've had no less than 2-3 bloody noses per day the last few days. This usually happens when the cold weather hits and the air becomes dryer. But, I like to believe that it's because of the nasal implant the aliens placed in me during my abduction.

I have a love-hate relationship with aliens, which is better described as a deep fascination/horrific fear relationship. Logically, I want to believe there are no aliens. But something inside me thinks there not only are aliens, but they have abducted me - I just can't remember it.

Here are the reasons I think I've been abducted, all things that are actual symptoms of abductees from a list of common indicators shared by most UFO abductees taken from this webpage: Symptoms of Alien Abduction. I haven't included all the symptoms, just the ones I feel I have. But there are only 52, and quite frankly, I think I have almost all of them. The indicator is in black, my comment is in purple.

• Have been paralyzed in bed with a being in your room - mainly when I was younger
• Have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them -especially if you have an emotional reaction to them. (i.e. small scoop indentation, straight line scar, scars in roof of mouth. in nose, behind or in ears, or genitals, etc. - a couple (but I think they are probably chicken pox scars, and not on my genitals, not that I could see that anyway...)
• Have seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations - some completely unexplainable, for real.
• Have a memory of flying through the air which could not be a dream - I have memories of going through a kind of warp while awake, kind of like an out of body experience.
• Have seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window - again some unexplainable (but I'm pretty sure some were headlights...)
• Have had dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings - yes, but I think a lot of people have, right?
• Have had a UFO sighting or sightings in your life - you're never really sure and sometimes you explain what you saw away. But one time, about 2 years ago, I saw a shiny oval-shaped orb in the sky as the sun was setting and a reflection coming off of it. It appeared to be far away, and I was driving home, so I didn't get a good look before it disappeared.
• Have a cosmic awareness, an interest in ecology, environment, vegetarianism, or are very socially conscious - I feel very passionate about social issues and justice in relation to humanity and the planet.
• Have a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform, without knowing where this compulsion came from - now this will sound weird to some of you, but I have ALWAYS had this sense that there is something very important I am here to do - I've even thought at times that I am a sort of prophet, that's how strong the feeling is. Although I'm not sure what that is I'm here to do, it's a very strong feeling that I feel I've always had.
• Have had unexplainable events occur in your life, and felt strangely anxious afterwards - I've often said I have the "shit rock" in life - which is the opposite of having a lucky charm. But I don't think it's that unusual to feel anxious about strange events.
• For women only: Have had false pregnancy or missing fetus. (pregnant, and then not) - many abductees have problems with infertility and pregnancy loss. As strange as this might sound, the thought has crossed my mind that my issues have to do with the alien's experiments. I lost a son who was born premature and died during labor in November 2003, and I was pregnant in early 2004, but they could never find a heartbeat and they told me it never developed.
• Have had a dream of eyes such as animal eyes (like an owl or deer), or remember seeing an animal looking in at you. Also if you have a fear of eyes. - yes, and I get full-body heebie-jeebies when I think about this. But I don't have a "fear of eyes" really.
• Have awoken in the middle of the night startled. - all the time - sometimes I think I hear someone entering the house, or rummaging around downstairs or in another room. Several times I've woken startled by someone saying my name or telling me something.
• Have strong reaction to cover of Communion or pictures of aliens. Either an aversion to or being drawn to. - yes - I am both fascinated by aliens and completely freaked out by them. The first time I saw a picture of an alien like on the cover of Communion, it really freaked me out. Seeing the movie pushed me even farther to the edge. It's like many things we're horrified by - it causes us fear, and yet we can't look away and are strangely intrigued.
• Have inexplicably strong fears or phobias. (i.e. heights, snakes, spiders, large insects, certain sounds, bright lights, your personal security or being alone). - I have a strong fear of beetles, among other things. Oh, and aliens.
• Have experienced self-esteem problem much of your life. - anyone who knows me will know I don't even have to answer this one (uh, yeah!)
• Have awoken with marks, burns or bruises which appeared during the night with no explanation on how you could have possibly received them. - I have, but I usually explain them away by something I bumped into or something, even though I can't remember it and I'm very difficult to bruise. My husband has also woken up with bruises he can't explain.
• Have had, at any time, blood or an unusual stain on sheet or pillow, with no explanation of how it got there. - again, the nosebleeds are what I use to explain this away.
• Have an interest in the subject of UFO sightings or aliens, perhaps compelled to read about it a lot, or an extreme aversion towards the subject. - I'm completely compelled to read about it, even though I try to convince myself that there are no aliens and that it's just some fun, science fiction thing (keyword there, "fiction" - as in "not real")
• Have been suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out of the way or unknown area. - yes, but I think this is just being exploring and the need to be alone and drive. I've taken many drives to out of the way areas in woods or farm areas.
• Have the feeling of being watched much of the time, especially at night. - I have often felt a deep sense of paranoia.
• Have heard strange humming or pulsing sounds, and you could not identify the source. - this often bothers me. It's one thing to hear someone's bass pumping at 2am, but there have been times when I've heard a different sound and cannot figure out what it is or where it is coming from, although it is a similar humming or buzzing sound.
• Have had unusual nose bleeds at any time in your life. Or have awoken with a nose bleed. - OFTEN and FREQUENTLY. I have had many times when I will just lean over, and blood is pouring out of my nose. I frequently wake up in the middle of the night to the feeling of blood coming out of my nose to find I'm having a nosebleed. These are never just scratchy, dry nose kind of bleeds - it is literally pouring out of my nose. Once when I was in High School, I sat down to dinner with my mom and brother and blood poured out of my nose all over my dinner plate - we were having chicken nuggets. Thus began the legend of the Bloody Nugget. As I was hungry and had band practice or something, I ate the nuggets anyway, even though they were bloody - I figured it was my own blood after all.
• Have had back or neck problems, T-3 vertebrae out often, or awoken with an unusual stiffness in any part of the body. - every so often, I will have a horribly stiff and sore neck to the point that I can't turn my head. I have never had an explanation for this, I just wake up that way. I usually figure I just slept weird.
• Have had chronic sinusitis or nasal problems. - I have frequent colds or allergy-like symptoms, and often fluid in my head settles in my ears and causes ear infections.
• Have had electronics around you go haywire or oddly malfunction with no explanation (such as street lights going out as you walk under them, TV's and radios affected as you move close, etc.). - OK, those of you who know me know that I am not making this shit up, I truly have had MANY street lights, sign lights, porch lights, etc., go out while I'm either driving under them or walking under them. It's completely freaky, and pretty much a daily/weekly occurrence. My microwave's digital readout has gone completely haywire and is unreadable. I love computers and working with them, but have had many unusual problems with them. Of the 2 computers I've had at work, both have experienced a power supply problem where the power source and motherboard had to be replaced. My laptop, which is not yet one year old, has had the LCD screen replaced 4 times.
• Have had frequent or sporadic ringing in your ears, especially in one ear - I've had a ringing in one ear for so long that I don't really notice it unless it is very quiet. I also don't hear out of that ear as well. I attribute this to having had so many ear infections in my life.
• Have insomnia or sleep disorders which are puzzling to you. - I rarely sleep very deeply and wake frequently in the night (like 6-10 times per night)
• Have had dreams of doctors or medical procedures. - again, I have, but I don't think this is that unusual.
• Have frequent or sporadic headaches, especially in the sinus, behind one eye, or in one ear. - I don't have frequent headaches, but when I do get them, they are often sinus headaches, or a sharp pain behind one eye, or pain that is more in my jawline than my ear.
• Have the feeling that you are going crazy for even thinking about these sorts of things. - well, wouldn't you?
• Have had paranormal or psychic experiences, including intuition. - I often feel I "know" things before they happen or that people don't say or that I've never been told. An example of this will have to wait for another time. I also feel a deep sense of connection to some people in my life, like I recognize their spirits and feel a particular closeness with them.
• Have been prone to compulsive or addictive behavior. - thankfully, I don't drink much, because I could see myself having trouble with this if I did. I do have compulsive thoughts that are irrational and my love for Reese's Cups might be considered an addiction by some.
• Have been afraid of your closet, now or as a child. - this probably comes from watching the movie ET at an impressionable young age.
• Have to sleep against the wall or must sleep with your bed against a wall. - not really, but I do have to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door, so this might be considered a different kind of compulsive behavior.
• Have a difficult time trusting other people. especially authority figures. - definitely, in fact I rarely trust people in high authority roles, such as the head of my department or the president or lawmakers or mayors. I pretty much always think they are corrupt and making uninformed decisions, even if I get to know them and think they are OK people, I still think they are poor leaders and don't trust them. Again, the president probably isn't a very good example since I think most of us don't have much trust in him these days...
• Have had dreams of destruction or catastrophe. - most of the dreams I can remember are dreams about disaster on a large scale - earthquakes, nuclear bombs, flooding.
• Have the feeling that you are not supposed to talk about these things, or that you should not talk about them. - yeah, but I think that's because I feel people will think I'm crazy or just being funny. And really, everything I've put here is real.
• Have tried to resolve these types of problems with little or no success. - I almost went into therapy after seeing the movie "Signs." I constantly "seeing" the aliens from that movie - sometimes walking by my door at night, or peering into the skylight over the shower. I wasn't actually seeing them, but I frequently had the image of them watching me in my mind whenever I saw a window or doorway. I sorted this out by rationalizing that this fear was stemming from my deep anxiety about the then impending Iraq war.
• Have many of these traits but can't remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter. - true, true.

Some more fascinating info about Alien Abduction (and some funny stuff, too).

• UFO Abduction Quiz - when I took the quiz, they said it was not clear whether or not I was abducted, but this site also has interesting info on aliens
• Alien Abduction Insurance - you can't get much more hilarious than Alien Abduction Insurance!
• Intruders Foundation - these people are serious, I'm not sure what to think of that
• Thought Screening Helmet - shows you step-by-step how to make an effective helmet to keep the aliens from reading your thoughts
• Book Review: Alien Abduction - Can It Happen to You? - book review, I just thought the cover of the book was hilarious (see right)
• Did I forget I was abducted? - this is totally and completely worth reading for it's hilarity factor
• Greys - Wikipedia info on the "greys" which are the aliens I am most afraid of, and therefore are probably the aliens that took me

I don't have a nice neat way to wrap this blog up, so I'm going to just end it here and I'll probably add more to this topic in the future.

PS: I've completely freaked myself out while looking for photos for this blog entry!

KFC for ME!

Every few months or so, I get and intense craving for KFC - Kentucky Fried Chicken. Not the extra crispy, the super spicey, the popcorn variety, or wings. All I want is Original Recipe. As I drove to KFC tonight, I knew deep in my heart that eating fried chicken was going to make me feel like grease is coursing through my veins for the next few hours, but I couldn't help myself. My husband wasn't around tonight, I needed dinner, and he hates KFC. It was my perfect opportunity.

What I REALLY want is the skin. When I was doing Weight Watchers, they'd tell us to pull off the skin before eating chicken to save us from signifcant fat and calories. Throw away the skin? I don't think so! I'd like to propose to KFC that they market a new item called "Bucket-O-Skin." That's right, a bucket with NO chicken meat - just chicken skin battered in those secret herbs and spices and deep fried to crispy golden brown goodness.

We saw several KFCs in China. McDonald's and KFC, those are the little pieces of America that they have in China. I did eat in a McDonald's in Hong Kong (you could get breakfast ANY TIME OF THE DAY!!! I had an egg mcmuffin at 10:00 at night!!!), but I didn't brave the KFC. While I did eat chicken in China (Chickity China the Chinese chicken, You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin') the thought of eating KFC was not appealing in the era of Avian Flu.

I probably should have eaten there, though - KFC is HUGE in China - the most recognized global brand in China, if you can believe it. Yes, more recognized than even McDonald's. Probably has to do with chicken being a large dietary staple there, with beef a close second, but we NEVER had ground beef there except in McDonald's, so it's understandable that the Chinese might not get the appeal of Mickey D's. Also in China, KFC has a mascot - "Chicky," a fluffy chicken mascot who is intensely popular with the kiddies.

Another fun fact: KFC's advertising slogan "finger-lickin' good" was mistranslated into Chinese characters that meant "eat your fingers off." Hey, sometimes it's just THAT good!

Which brings me to another KFC story. My brother once convinced me that KFC couldn't call the restaurants "Kentucky Fried Chicken" anymore because the genetically engineered meat they used could not be referred to as "chicken" by the government. My brother went so far as to tell me that the mutant "chicken" products were grown with no heads or claws in jars hooked up to equipment, which gave me the image of naked, headless chickens floating in fluid ala Luke Skywalker in the bacta tank after being pulled from the frozen tundra of Hoth (after warming in the belly of a tauntaun, of course.) Of course, this was eventually shown to be an urban legend.

Even that didn't stop me from wanting that delicious, slippery, salty, buttery, somewhat crunchy skin. Oh KFC, please at least try marketing a Bucket-o-Skin! We want SKIN!

How to Spot a Serial Killer

Last night, I was sitting in the parking lot of a shopping center waiting for my husband to close the store so we could go to dinner. I was playing with my cell phone and watching the people around the mostly deserted parking lot. The only people really there were shoppers at the 24-hour grocery store next door.

I had to look when a car that can only be described as a "hoopty" pulled up to one of the empty parking spots next to me.

A man emerges from the car carrying a Swiffer in his hand, along with what appears to be a receipt. He was about 40, with a gentle walk, and wearing brown pants, a striped long-sleeve shirt, and bright white tennis shoes (sneakers, if you will.)

He entered the store with the Swiffer, and a few minutes later exited with nothing. At first, I didn't think much of it, but when he came back to his car, something about those unnaturally white sneakers and his gentle walk bothered me.

He proceded to spend no less than 15 minutes (I was waiting for husband for 1/2 hour) messing around in his backseat and trunk. That was when I decided this guy was a serial killer. He parked quite far away from the grocery store, in the almost empty lot of the store where my husband works. He looked the part. And he was messing around in his trunk. Could it be more obvious?

Let me describe the car for you - it was one of those older boat-like cars with sharp corners. The color was dark blue mixed with bondo, and some places had silver duct tape. The back bumper was tied onto the car by what appeared to be either twine or thick wire. When closed, the trunk didn't really close all the way, and around all of the doors there were gaps, as if the car were made up of puzzle pieces from different puzzles that didn't quite fit.

The car looked very much like the one driven by "snipers" John Muhammad John Lee Malvo during their multiple-state (around DC area) spree picking off strangers with a high-powered gun from their car in 2002.

The only things I could see the man take out of his trunk were a large gas can and a rather large funnel. Mmmmm...

What can we learn from this? 1. Serial killers like clean sneakers. 2. A Swiffer won't remove bloodstains. (Now, the Swiffer Wetjet, maybe...)

And as he drove off into the night, I heard him exclaim, "It puts the lotion on its skin!"

Courtesy...

Today, I have awful, stinky gas. Other than that, I'm feeling good. The night before last, I had some sand-like diarrhea, almost thought I might not be up to walking in the Race for the Cure, but I soldiered on for the cause. The diarrhea has subsided, but has left the aftermath of very putrid smelling gas.

If the explosive diarrhea (or, as I call it, the "assplosion") was the mushroom cloud of my atomic intestines, this gas would be the aftermath - the cloud of radioactive fallout that is following me around lo these past 24 hours.

This kind of gas can only be tolerated and released until it is out of the system. The fact that I ate beef hotdogs for lunch only made the smell stronger - with a tinge of beefiness. You know you're having strong gas when you can actually smell the stink while you're in the shower - and it makes you gag!

All of this reminds me of the curious bathroom habits we all have when it comes to pretty much everything except peeing. I was in the restroom at work just this past week, and someone entered the stall next to me, started to go, flushed the toilet, flushed again, and then started to spray something around. She apparently brought this with her into the bathroom since we don't have that stuff in there.

When I was on a certain medication, I would have such terrible diarrhea, with little or no warning. I had to carry extra clothes with me - and a couple of times I had to use them! One time, I ran down the hall to the restroom at work, only to find a couple of colleagues chatting it up in there. I yelled at them, "I'm about to have some explosive diarrhea, so can you take your conversation elsewhere?"

In the airport in Seoul, Korea (the nicest airport, EVER, I must say), there were these little doorbell looking things in each stall, right next to the toilet paper. Some said, "Courtesy Bell" on them, some said, "Etiquette Bell." I was SO curious about that thing, but was too afraid to press it. Maybe it was a poor translation of something and if I pressed it, the authorities would rush in and drag me out with my pants around my ankles.

But now, 6 months later, I keep thinking about that button and what it does. After thorough research, my suspicions were confirmed - the "Courtesy Bell" is meant to mask any sounds which might be deemed impolite or un-ladylike. Once pushed, it makes a "flushing water" sound to cover the sounds of any possible air, poo, or gremlin escaping from your anal area. Interestingly, it is only in the women's restroom. Apparently men relishing their stink and sounds is universal.

So, of course my next thought is to wonder just how loud this flushing sound is. I mean, I've had some NOISY gas, I've had poo come shooting out so hard that it practically hits the back wall. And what if you're making vocal noises? Straining, or just plain whimpering at the curse upon your bowels. What might be even better is if the bell actually let out a little puff of air freshener when you used it, you know, a dual-duty appliance. Now, I'm even more disappointed that I didn't test that bell!