What do you see?

Yesterday, we had a fun day at "Day Out with Thomas the Tank Engine" with my nephews. We had a good time, aside from the noggin injury sustained by my older nephew. But, prior to that, D (the older nephew) stood in line for the train bounce house. When he got to the opening, a burst of air came out and it freaked him out a little, so he didn't go in. Nevertheless, I was thoroughly entertained by watching kids go in and out of the "opening" of the bounce house. Maybe with all this fertility business and all the many people who have had a glimpse at my hoo-ha, I have a different way of looking at things.

Judge for yourself...

PS: The ass sticking out is one of the workers trying to help a kid who is inside. It really adds something to the image, though, doesn't it?

Coping

Today, I'm feeling more human than I have in over 2 weeks. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and got antibiotics for a sinus and ear infection. I was feeling better yesterday, too, but still pretty tired. The only problem is my left ear is still completely blocked which is annoying.

I worked on getting some laundry and dishes done, so that was also a change of pace. And then I did some self-pampering - I spent almost 2 solid hours in the bath. Because of all the trying for a baby, and me having incompetent cervix (they recommend that you don't swim or take baths during pregnancy to avoid infection when you have incompetent cervix), I haven't taken a bath in 6 months. It felt great to soak off all the dead, icky skin, reading the Sex and the City edition of Entertainment Weekly from cover to cover, while listening to oldies (and my neighbors, who currently have about 50 people in their backyard and are playing corn-hole, that bean-bag game).

My self-pampering reminded me of an e-mail I got a few weeks ago from "Babycenter." They finally got smart and now you can sign up for updates and tips when you are TRYING to get pregnant. It's a bit weird - after I lost Eroll, I couldn't stop these e-mails from coming, and it kept breaking my heart over and over, reading the subject line, "Your baby at 30 weeks..." when my baby never made it that far. Even though that was only 4 years ago, there are a lot more resources on pregnancy loss and the grief that comes with it than there were then (at least online).

So, this latest Babycenter e-mail was titled: "Therapists' top ten tips for coping with fertility problems." At first I thought it would be annoying, like, "Just stay positive!" Whenever people learn of our fertility problems, they always want to give me advice, like, "Have you tried taking your temperature?" I want to smack those people - we are SO beyond taking temperatures! And I'm trying to stay positive, I really am! I've still got hopes and dreams for a family and imagine both the fun and the challenges that it all will be. I'm not wallowing (OK, once a month, I do - when I find out I'm not pregnant that month). I'm being proactive! Anyway, this advice wasn't so "pollyanna." Here are some highlights (with my comments):

1. Recognize that a fertility problem is a crisis. A fertility problem may be one of the most difficult challenges you'll ever face.Yep, this is definitely my big hurdle of life.


2. Don't blame yourself. Resist the temptation to get angry at yourself or to listen to the little voice in your head that's saying, "I shouldn't have waited; I should have lost more weight or taken better care of my health; I shouldn't have assumed that I could have children when I wanted" or whatever negative thoughts you may be having. "When you start feeling like you "should have" or "could have," remind yourself that your fertility problem is not your fault.
   This is a challenge for me, since I am pretty good at blaming myself for things that don't even have to do with me, and this is such an intimately "ME" issue.


3. Concentrate on your future. Work as a team with your partner. You and your mate should help each other through this time (and definitely not blame each other for your difficulty getting pregnant). Work together to find practical ways to share the burden.
   Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how very lucky I am to be married to S. He's supportive and patient and has been a shoulder for me to cry on. And I'm positively convinced he won't leave me, even if we never have kids.


4. Educate yourself. Read as much as you can about fertility problems and ask questions of your doctor and other couples in your situation. Staying educated is especially important when you're dealing with a fertility problem because the technologies behind the treatments are complicated and change quickly.
   I am CONSTANTLY trolling the internet to learn about the treatments I'm having and what the next steps might be. This is a good coping mechanism for me, because the more I know, the less I worry.


5. Set limits on how long you're willing to try. Some couples decide from the get-go that they won't go to extreme measures to have a baby. Others spend years and thousands of dollars exhausting all of their treatment options. No one can tell you when to stop trying to conceive — that's a decision you need to make with your partner and doctor — but you'll feel more in control of your life if you start thinking in advance about how far you're willing to go to get pregnant.
   This is not something we've really done yet. At one time, I didn't want to go to something as invasive as IVF. But with IUI not working, it might be an option we'll have to consider. Besides, the drug regimen for IVF is similar to the IUI cycle with shots I just went through, and I survived it.


6. Decide how much you're willing to pay. With in vitro fertilization (IVF) averaging $12,400 a cycle, it's no wonder couples feel anxious about money, especially since women often need to go through multiple cycles before becoming pregnant.And my insurance does not cover ANY of the fertility treatments, tests, or procedures.


7. Get support from professionals and others with fertility problems. Society often fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so those denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation.This is a tough one - all of my close friends are parents. I love them and I love their kids, but it's hard being the lone non-parent among my peers. I often feel isolated and lonely. I have feelings of jealousy and anger sometimes, and really can't stand to listen to people with "perfect lives." Luckily, none of my close friends are those kinds of people - the ones who gush on and on about their blissful life.


8. Just say no to baby-focused activities. If certain gatherings or celebrations are too painful for you — if all your siblings had babies in the last two years, say, or you keep getting invited to baby showers — give yourself permission to decline the invitation or at least to have a good cry afterward.With the exception of one close friend, I have not attended a baby shower since I lost Eroll, and I do not plan on attending one (but always send gifts and well-wishes). Likewise, I do not want a baby shower, if we ever get to that point. I feel like baby showers are pretty presumptive. Even before we lost Eroll and struggled with infertility, baby showers were brutal to me. All the gushing, and I just want to scream, "What if the baby dies?" I've heard too many horror stories of people who lost babies after the baby shower and then had all this stuff to remind them, with no baby to use it. For me, a "healthy arrival, meet the baby" shower is what I hope for.


9. Balance optimism and realism. You need to be optimistic to go through a procedure, but if you're too hopeful — if your hope is unrealistic — you'll be setting yourself up for a huge fall. The array of medical technologies available today leads many couples to keep trying month after month, year after year. But about a third of couples treated for fertility problems won't go on to have a biological child.
   This is always a challenge, like my one friend who calls herself a "cynical dreamer" and another who says he is a "cynical optimist." I can't help but hope with each new month, but I think I am also realistic. Yet, with each disappointing month, I do crash, at least for a day or two.


10. Take care of yourself by pursuing other interests. Being treated for a fertility problem can feel like a full- or at least part-time job, so it's important to keep up with some of the activities or hobbies that bring you pleasure. It won't be easy, especially if you're doing something like going in for a blood test every other day, but look for ways to take care of yourself. If your old activities are painful — maybe all your friends are parents now — look for new diversions.
    This whole thing DOES seem like a part-time job, that's a good way to put it. If I'm not actually at the doctor every other day (not this month, obviously) then I'm reading up on the internet or doing shots or just plain worrying about it all. But I think I have good diversions, my job (that I love - most of the time), hanging out with S., watching movies, talking to friends, and playing with my nephews are all things that feed my soul. So I guess I've got it pretty good!

Elsewhere on Babycenter, it says:
While undergoing fertility treatment, many couples tend to live in month-to-month cycles of hope and disappointment that revolve around ovulation calendars and menstruation. They navigate a tight schedule of tests and treatments, they place their lives on hold — postponing vacations, putting off education, and short-circuiting their careers. Others find that the sorrow, anger, and frustration that can come with prolonged fertility problems invade every area of life, eroding self-confidence and straining friendships.

This is very well-put as to what we've experienced - an emotional cycle in addition to the physical cycle. I recently had an opportunity to travel to the Middle East, which is something I've always wanted to do, but felt so uncertain about where we were with the fertility stuff, and it being so time-sensitive, that I decided not to go. There were other reasons not to go this time, but probably the biggest reason was the fertility stuff. I don't like putting my life on hold - and don't make plans based on "what if I'm pregnant?" - if I did that, I'd be 9+ years not going anywhere and waiting for the stork! But this time, with the shots and monitored cycles I just felt like I needed to keep that the priority right now. Little did I know I'd be forced to "take a month off" anyway.

So, all in all, I think I'm coping pretty well. I'm still out there living my life and experiencing joy and always, always, always HOPING.

This month...

So, we went to the doctor on Monday morning. I was a bit paranoid about how we were going to pay for this round of drugs and tests and procedures - last month, the total was about $3,000 and I put off other bills to pay for everything.

Thankfully, S. went with me. We first went in for the blood work, then for the ultrasound. The ultrasound showed 2 large follicles remained on my left ovary.

The next thing we usually do is meet with a nurse, who tells us the "protocol" we're going to follow for the month, what dose, how to do it, etc.

This time, the nurse sat with us for a moment and told us that the follicles were very large and that in all likelihood, we would need to skip this month and hope those follicles would go back to normal. She said my doctor wanted to meet with us. When she left the room, I immediately started crying.

Dr. G. (who I've known since before we started having fertility issues) came in, closed the door, and sat down. He said, "I'm so sorry, you guys have been through so much already, but we can't do the treatments and IUI this month. The ovaries have been overstimulated and the follicles are too large." He asked me if I'd been in any pain, and I said I had, especially around the ovulation time. He said to call when I got my next period and they'd see what the ovaries looked like then.

I managed to keep it together through the waiting room (I didn't think breaking down in the fertility clinic waiting room was a very good idea). And then I broke down at the elevator, thank goodness S. was there to comfort me.

In a lot of ways, it's probably good - this was an emotional cycle for me. It took a toll emotionally, physically, and financially. Still, after getting my period, I had my few hours of depression, and then geared myself up to try again. I went in that morning with the expectation that this was "Round 2." I never expected that they would tell me I couldn't try this month. I didn't know this was a possibility.

I know it's only a month, but I just feel like so much time is slipping away. I don't want to waste any time!

So, this month, we lay low, no drugs, no injections, no tests, no procedures. But we're still allowed to keep trying on our own, so I guess not all is lost.

Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts and e-mails. Sorry I didn't update you on this before, I needed to wrap my mind around this, and also have had a nasty cold most of the week.

Plan B: A Crappy Week (in every sense)

For those who don't want to read the entire post about my week, the bottom line is: I'm not pregnant. Really. When I called the doctor today, the nurse said, "So, you're experiencing full flow right now?" Yep.

So, let's back up a couple of days.

TUESDAY
The first day of a long week of all day meetings (and I mean ALL day - 8:00am-8:00pm). The meeting is brutal. We spend from 2:30pm-8:30pm (with an hour break for dinner) giving "personal and professional" updates. 6 freaking hours of going around the room talking about ourselves. Yes, this is a nice thing to do, but isn't that why we're having meals together and going out to dinner the next evening??? Besides, I have a lot of work to do and I'd rather be HOME then sitting here being social all evening!

After dinner, I went back to my office for a couple of minutes to feed my fish. One fish is dead and stuck in a plant. His abdomen has been chomped out, seemingly by a fish much bigger than any in my tank (most likely the other fish were just nibbling on his carcass since they don't bite each other). I'm sad for a minute (you hate to see anything die), then take him to the restroom and flush him. It seems very fitting to the crappy day I'm having, and also I relate to this poor fish with a big chunk of him bitten off.

Before the evening "sharing time" begins, I learn there is somewhat of an issue that relates to what I do at work, except that I'm not included in the conversation about the issue or how to solve it. This really pisses me off. I spend the rest of the evening grinding my teeth and focusing on doing some work on the website while others continue to "share." I'm so angry by the time we adjourn for the evening, I'm just shaking. It's all built up from so much stuff - the "issue" (which turned out to not really be anything big), people complaining about how much work they have to do (which we ALL do!), etc. I pack up my stuff, head home, and go right to bed at like 9:30.

WEDNESDAY
I started spotting. It's just spotting, and it stops after the morning. I get a decent start to the day, but still miss the morning "worship" although this is not a big deal to me personally, since I no longer believe in God. Our morning meeting (3 hours) is not well-defined, so we end up using it as planning time in my team. This is a relief - for the first time since these meetings began, we're getting things accomplished. We work out some timelines and plans to get some projects done. This always feels good and makes things seem more manageable.

After lunch, other teams are meeting, but I don’t have to, so I go to my office and check e-mail for a while. This is some nice and much-needed downtime.

Our next meeting starts at 3:00 – we are to go over our “strategic plan” and evaluate what is done, what is next, etc. Keep in mind that I have still been experiencing cramping since Tuesday. At 2:55pm I feel a cramp. I think it’s gas. I let it go (I’m alone in my office). It’s not gas. I shit my pants. Big time.

I move quickly to the restroom. I guess because I was sitting when it happened, the shit went up my back. I sat on the toilet to poop out whatever was left, frantically trying to wipe off my underpants. This was futile, so I contemplated going commando, but it had gone through a bit to my pants (which were thankfully black). Also, I was still spotting and needed to have some “protection.” And the meetings were still going on, so I’d be in confined spaces with my colleagues and I’d be literally smelling like shit.

So, I did the best I could to wipe off my underpants and pants, and then when I stood up, there was poo all over the toilet and all over my ass, up past the crack and almost to my waist!

I wiped my ass, but there’s only so much you can do with dry toilet paper, then I cleaned to toilet thoroughly.

I walked (a very strange walk since I had poo everywhere) back to my office, then went to where we were meeting and told my boss, “I have to go home. I had a mishap and I need to change my clothes.”

Luckily, no one else knew and just a couple of people saw me. I went home as fast as I could, stripped, hopped in the shower and hosed off my ass, got dressed again, and zoomed back to work for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. Of course this couldn’t have happened earlier, when I had all that time just sitting around in my office!

Thankfully, the rest of the evening went OK. Then again, everything else seems rosy when you’ve just shit your pants.

THURSDAY
The spotting seems to pick up today, but it’s still just spotting. I think I should pick up a pregnancy test today since I’m out, but I forget.

This is the final day of the meetings, yay! Still find some particularly irritating things happening and contemplate finding a new job.

Leave work early, go home, and husband and I spend the evening thoroughly cleaning for a Mother’s Day cookout this weekend since it looks like rain and that means everyone will be inside.

FRIDAYOnce again, wake up feeling crampy. Go to the bathroom and pass a large clot (this is common for me after I’ve been laying down). I cry in the shower. I tell my husband, who just says, “OK.” I say, “Don’t you feel disappointed?” and he says “I’m getting pretty used to being disappointed.” He was joking, kind of. I ask him, “Do you think we’ll ever have a biological child?” and he says, “Yes, I really do believe we will.” That makes me feel better.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m letting everyone down who is pulling for us. I feel like my body was just messing with me the past 2 days with the spotting, just daring me to hope that I still might be pregnant. I don’t understand why nothing is working. I think, “What is WRONG with me???”

If I just KNEW that this wouldn’t work, I could deal with that and move on, but it’s the not knowing, the gambling every month, and the HOPING that it will work, even though statistically, it isn’t working for me.

I cry a little on the way to work. I cry a little at work. I get a little pissed when someone tells me that I just need to be “positive” and not get stressed because once she wasn’t stressed about it, she got pregnant right away! Yeah, I’m sure that the 9+ years we’ve been trying is all due to stress! WHATEVER!!!

I talk to one friend at work who says she just wishes there were something she could do. Depressionista says the same thing, and that she’s disappointed for me, not disappointed by me. I understand that helpless feeling – but what can anyone do? Just listen, be there for me, and keep hoping with us, I guess.

Later in the day, one of the people we work with in Asia sends photos of the destruction from the recent cyclone that hit Myanmar (Burma). The photos are full of dead babies and children floating in the water or washed up. I see things like this all the time at work, and it never stops ripping my heart out. I sat there in my office and just sobbed. I wept for the innocent lives and for the parents who now know the agony of losing a child, the worst loss there is. I can still see their beautiful little faces and bodies, now lifeless, and it makes me weep again.

The rest of today I experienced the “full flow” as described by the nurse. I have an appointment for Monday. They will once again do baseline tests (blood work for hormone levels, an ultrasound of my ovaries) and we will once again get the opportunity to shell out a huge chunk of money to pay for the injections, which we also get the opportunity to do again this month, starting next week.

I came home from work a little early, made myself some dinner, and, right before writing this, inhaled 6 Chips Ahoy Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies (my favorite packaged cookies) in under a minute. I think it helped.

All this, just in time for Mother's Day. Perfect.

Plan B Update 7

Just a quick note to say I haven't fully gotten my period yet, but still feeling crampy and still spotting. I don't know what to think, I know some people spot early on, it's pretty common, so I guess there's still hope, but maybe things are just weird with my period this month because of all the hormones.

Anyway, just wanted to say I'm still holding my breath.

Plan B Update 6

Thanks so much for all the positive comments and well-wishes. I'm crying right now from reading them and feeling so grateful that so many people care about me. Sometimes that feels overwhelming and I feel undeserving, but I need it right now, so I extremely grateful.

I think I'm getting my period. No full-on bleed yet, but I've been crampy all day and had a little spotting this morning. It seems to have subsided, but this is often how it begins for me.

Today is cycle day 34, so that's about right. Today is also 14 days since the IUI. I don't want to jump the gun, maybe this isn't it, but at the same time, I think it is.

What is wrong with me??? Why isn't this working???
Why does it have to be so f*#&ing hard!!??

Plan B Update 5

I gave myself the last shot on May 1. S. came down at like 11:00pm, his eyes half open, looking like he was going to fall over, and said, "You want me to give you your shot??" I looked at him and said, "You know what, I'm going to go ahead and take my chances and give it to myself tonight!"

It went fine. This whole week I've been feeling GREAT! I'm happy and energetic! I don't know if that's a good sign or what, but I'm glad to be feeling so much better after 2 weeks of lethargy and aches and pains.

My lower abdomen feels all puffy and swollen, but I'm only 1 day out from the last HcG shot, and that can mess with you and give you pregnancy symptoms, as I understand.

Just wanted to relay to everyone that I'm feeling really good! Now we have to wait 2 weeks to do a pregnancy test (unless I get my period) because I could get a false positive right now. Since home pregnancy tests test for HcG, the shots could make it show up as positive even though it might not be, so they want to wait until the HcG from the shots is out of my system.

So, that's today's quick update!